In Transit

Got posted to school. Got my timetable. Got my committee. Almost settled down at our new place. Trying to settle into our new routine. Abigail's starting school next Wednesday. I won't be able to be with her. Parents are allowed to accompany their child for one day only. My school's starting next wednesday also. Haven't planned seating layout yet. Haven't cleaned classroom yet. Haven't arranged tables yet. Trying to prepare for first day of school now. So many things to blog but thoughts are flying all over the place. We have reclaimed the final part of our marriage. :)

Woo Hoo!

I have internet access! :D Anyway, quick updates...,

> Found Shalom's ears to be really dirty when we brought the kids over on Saturday. I checked with lina and Eka, and assumed it was just itchy fingers that traveled from the cereal bowl into the ear. We cleaned the ears, especially the right one. The next day, it was waxy again. It seemed like it splattered from inside. I started to panic. He was having a slight fever, on and off also. He was generally well, except for runny nose. We thought it was from the dust at our new place. At times he was fussy, but he's rather feisty, so no alarms set off. On Monday morning, I saw the bed stained. I checked Shalom's ears and found thick fluid flowing out! I was frantic. Grabbed breakfast and tried to surf the net on GPRS for info while waiting for GP's opening hour. I wasn't sure about the operating hours, so I waited abit. Doc checked and said that his eardrum was BROKEN. I was horrified. It was a middle ear infection, most likely triggered by the frequent colds and ailments that he's been suffering, thanks to Abby going to childcare and other reasons. Anyway the doc said that it's a good thing that the ear drum's broken, so that the fluid would flow out instead of building up, which would possibly lead to hearing loss. The ear drum would heal by itself (THANK GOD!) and he'll be fine. Just that now he needs to be put on rather strong antibiotics, plus medicine for runny nose, cough and phlegm. As much as we've been restricting his diet (no sugar no salt) the medication he's been taking so regularly is so filled with sugar, I feel our efforts are pointless. However, he keeps coughing and then throwing up whatever medication he takes (strong gag reflex) that I doubt any medicine has been getting in. It's only sometimes that he doesn't throw up.

> Abby's schedule to go for eye op this thursday. The styes have found themselves a new recruit - so altogether there are three visible ones (two have already affected her skin so there'll be scarring, regardless whether she undergoes surgery) and a couple of dormat ones. KKH Eye centre snr consultant will do an I&D (incision and drainage) to clear the styes. There was this nurse today who tried to explain the procedure to Abby, but it sounded so horrifying I distracted Abby halfway and tried to get her NOT to pay attention to the nurse. It went something like, "Girl, you go for operation okay! The doctor will cut your eye then take it out. It will be very painful but the doctors and nurses will make you better ok?" ARGH. Abby had this horrified look on her face. She knows that she's going for surgery. In fact she's been in such pain she keeps asking for "Put towel eye" - warm compress on her eye. Except that she's not willing to put the medication. I think they sting.

> We had our house blessing yesterday. Mum and my aunt's family came over and prayed for the place. When we went around anointing the house, Abby also took part in the action. It was so cute seeing her with her right palm facing up holding a drip of anointing oil and anointing the house, AND praying and walking around. Mum just came back from Israel, so she bought some stuff as well as a cross for the house. :)

> The place is almost ready, except for the upgrading stuff and curtains and feature wall (if we save up enough). Nevertheless, it's really our very own pad. :) Now the kids sleep separately from us, and we're having separation anxiety.

Abigail's Graduation Concert

Abby's childcare had their graduation concert last Thursday at the HDB auditorium. We were all pretty anxious. I mean, I've known Abby to be the clingy, "MUMMY! MUMMY!" then burst into big tears sort, so I didn't know how she'd fare on stage. But this charming girl took all of us by surprise! When it was the playgroup's turn to perform, the curtains revealed a bunch of all-too-cute boys and girls who started shaking their hands to Sesame Street's No-No-No! (I didn't know there was such a song. Now I know where all her NOs! came from...hmm...)


Actually the kids started shaking, then slowly they all stopped and a few burst out in tears. Stage fright. Almost all came to a standstill except Abby. She was happily shaking, singing the song to the entire audience, wasn't searching for us, just purely enjoying herself! Except when she started getting distracted by this boy who cried off the stage... and then she regained composure and continued shaking her sparklers. And at the final part, everyone was supposed to do a star-jump, and she was one of the rare few who did it! Pity thing was, although Ben took a video recording, Abby was mostly blocked from our direction, so we could only see her partially. She was blocked by a local celebrity's daughter - didn't know she was in the same class as Abby. Argh. Anyway, after we're done with moving house, hopefully Ben will transfer the video to the computer so that I can upload it online. :D



We were very disappointed coz we really couldn't see Abby very well. It was all too fast! She really really enjoyed herself. :D It was over too quickly, and I started wondering - everytime I asked her about her concert, she would roll her hands and walk forward and backwards. Then I figured that the step was self-created. But later we figured that she might have another appearance during the finale, so we endured through the rest of the programme (my brother was quite captivated by this 5 year old eurasian girl's looks) until it was the finale. But I must admit, there were moments of entertainment - such as when a girl dropped her hat the moment she came on, and continued to dance sans hat for a tap dance, and when a boy came on much later, he gentlemanly handed her hat to her. Another girl dropped her shoe and continued to dance as if nothing had happened. Excellent showmanship! :D

We heard the commotion even before the curtains were unveiled. Then we saw Abby! :D Great view coz she was at the front row! The whole group sung, "If we hold on together" and Abby could sing it too! At least parts of it, and at the chorus, she was one of the rare few who did the rolling hands action ("when clouds rolled by, for you and I") and the subsequent hand actions.





Seeing her enjoy herself performing is amazing. Gosh. She's so young and yet she's so amazing on stage. I've never seen her on-stage, so it really wasn't Ben or my idea to get her to perform for the year-end concert. I didn't even know there was one. Prior to this, I believe that even Primary Ones need tonnes of guidance on stage, so it would be close to impossible for me to imagine putting any kid younger than 6 up there. But this one? I'm speechless. I'm just glad that she enjoyed performing, and if she's keen to do it again, she's free to do so. But she will never be coerced against her will. And she has a strong one, just like her parents. :P (But she's stronger...:S) If she had been one of the kids who broke down and had to be carried (usually during school days she's quite clingy with the teacher also... so I thought she'd be afraid) we'll most likely decline subsequent concert performances because we don't want to put unnecessary pressure on her. But she seemed to like it a lot! :) That's really an encouragement, because she seems to be quite a shy and timid girl. So all of us were really taken by surprise!

Anyway, it was way past the kids' bedtime, so most of them weren't really at tip top condition. We managed to capture a few shots, including a close up of her which shows her stye (yup, she performed even with 2 styes) as well as Ian, the boy who has made quite an impression on our little lady. :) We're just glad we got the video footage of it. Must remember to bring good quality video camera if she's performing ever again. Digital camera video footage is extremely lousy from such distance!

Persistent Styes

Abby's styes aren't getting any better. They first evolved in September, and that was in the right upper eyelid. Now the left upper and lower eyelids have styes slapping each other everytime abby blinks. We went back for 2nd review today - doesn't look any better. Dr recommends surgery because she's afraid the infection will spread. Now on maximum medication dosage and things aren't any better. We requested for another week, hoping that the styes will erupt and the entire saga will end. We're really praying for a miracle. We took these photos - taken so far away yet the styes can be seen. Putting medication, as well as giving her oral medication, is very challenging. Dr recommends surgery coz of the difficulty in giving medicine. Abby'll be on GA, then all the styes will be removed. Post-op will not be as painful if the incision is done inner lid, instead of outer lid. Anyway, all this sounds too painful to me. Though I went for one before, I was much older. She's only 2. Sigh.

The Time is NOW!

Woohoo! :D We're now waiting for the movers to arrive after lunch, and everything's mostly packed into our fifty-over boxes - with some more stuff still spilling around, e.g. our clothes, kids' clothes, etc. This whole week will be devoted to unpacking and cosolidating two systems - ben & mine - into one. It's gonna be a fun time trying to merge two separate schemas together and make the most logical conclusion from two separate cultures and lifestyles.

Things have been amazing - we've been really worried about storing our massive number of books. We wanted to get some bookcases from Ikea but we didn't know many to get and what dimensions to get in. So we wanted to wait till most of the existing shelves are moved over before we got the new shelves. But now it's solved coz we're inheriting the shelves.

Oh! Here they come! :D Woohoo!

Revelations from house moving

> That three large plastin bins of assessment books can fit into one paper carton.

> That things that have gone missing mysteriously still aren't surfacing, such as my beloved stack of notes, the missing no. 4 finger from Abigail's puzzle, and the fried fly that fell of the table and disappeared into the abyss among the table and chair legs.

> An additional thirty boxes seems too many to one person and not enough to another. Teen challenge delivered them yesterday. The two rooms are about 40-50% packed and we're left with 22 empty boxes. Will finish by today I think.

> There's kinship in the family especially during hardship such as hard labour. Sister-in-law's hubby whipped out his newly bought O2 and blocked Monday for us when we mentioned that we'll be moving then. *touched*

> Our moving date is controlled by things beyond our control, such as the lift that can accommodate the large pieces of furniture suddenly tendering its application for sabbatical leave for EIGHT MONTHS. Starting on the date we wanted to move - 12 Dec. Buy Toto also not so 'chun'. Just that we don't buy.

> Such a significant event will have a ripple effect on many things and even more emotions. Some look forward to it with anticipation, others with dread and disappointment, especially when they are not in the picture. Oh well, if only we could accommodate to everyone. But can anyone ever?

> The movers may possibly kill their backs from the loads of books we have.

> De-cluttering doesn't take place until we start putting the things we want or need in the places that have been allocated for them. That's 'Reduce' (the need for the things we don't need - we'll give or sell). For the things we are retaining, we'll have to squeeze the life out of them till it's no longer worth using - that's Reuse. When they are at that state, we 'Recycle'.

> We've even bought a recycling bin from Ikea that can be lined with the free recycling bags for our recyclables! :D Lina and Abby are now so familiar with hearing the word 'Recycling'. My trash bin now sees only used tissue papers and 3-in-1 satchets (which I suspect can be recycled also. Haven't found that out thought). Oh, and the occasional 'tar-bao' styrofoam boxes. On the other hand, my recyclables box is filled most of the time. :)

> Things we buy actually stick with us FOR LIFE. Traditionally we'll go mad with buying stuff, even to the point where we think we *might* even need it, or simply because it's cheap, but now those stuff falls under "Will consider, if ever". And we hardly ever do. I've learnt that we need a bigger house to store the massive amounts of clutter we'll never use. And it only gets bigger as we acquire the stuff we don't need.

> Although this may seem as a 'downgrade' - from bungalow to 5-room flat (at least we're made to feel that way anyway - with the constant "Your house big enough to put a fridge or not? Big enough to put this or not? That or not?") we had a paradigm shift as we compared our spacious but old 30 yr old point block to the new but puny condominiums. That one cannot even put tv. I swear.

> Our new location may seem 'ulu' especially to north-easterner Ben who needs to travel to work in Toa Payoh daily, he didn't realise that he made an Hougang-Marine Parade trip daily for the past three years when he was at the student care. That time, no problem. Even when faced with the daily half hourly cruel jam along Hougang Ave 3/Kaki Bukit. Another paradigm shift. Now all is well.

> Our helper will almost never be alone with the kids at the new place. My mum who's a stone's throw away, my aunt who's got a toddler, my granny whose daughter has migrated down under, plus my beloved brother who's the Singapore Idol to my two kids, will possibly all be regulars that the new hangout. Plus my in-laws. Plus cell. Plus friends. Plus plus. :D

> We'll be taking several days off from the kids to unpack and unwind at the new place. We haven't had couple time together very much since Abby was born. Plus the kids have been sleeping with us in the same bedroom. Plus the baby monitor that's also in the room. Plus the no-locked doors policy (long story). MIL was smiling ear to ear when we asked her if we could leave the kids over for a couple of nights. Everyone's happy. Not sure for Abby though. She's been ultra-clingy these few days. Maybe because of the moving. I now pack with her clamped at my leg. Okie, exaggerating. But close enough.

> I've been procrastinating long enough. Will update again when I have this sensation again. Heh. :)

7th Year Anniversary

Today marks seven years Ben & I have been together. Time has flown by so fast, it's amazing. Both of us can't believe it's been seven years already. Which is a good sign. :)

When we started going out together, both of us had heaps of issues with almost every single aspect of our lives. Like for instance, both of us had almost given up on the opposite sex because of tragically painful past relationships. To cut the long story short, because of our ex-es, we are better people. *argh*

Through these years, we've managed to work through most of our issues, and it's been a much better ride especially for 2006. With both our pasts as well as our upbringing, we had a challenging time initially. Also, we almost broke up (twice, I think?), once right before the wedding. It was by God's grace that there was intervention, and the relationship was saved.

I am so blessed by Ben in so many ways. He's always been a gentleman, and up to right now whenever he opens the car door for me, I always tease him, saying, "So, is the girl new, or the car?" :D He's also very down-to-earth and very humble. As his wife, I find myself very encouraged by how he has chosen to live his life. I am very blessed to have him committed to the marriage and to the family. Coming from my family, I am not the most secure person. In fact, recently we had an 'in-depth analysis' and realised that a perception that I was holding was building a wall in our marriage. Because of my parents' marriage, I had begun to 'gear myself up' for the day where the news of a third party would surface. In my head, I would never find out about it because he's not the careless sort. The only way I would ever find out was by his confession. So as I result, I started acting like he already had someone else, mentally preparing myself for the day where I would have to walk out with 2 kids in tow, and the works - like my mother. Unfortunately, my subtle defence started to hurt the marriage. Thank God Ben was sensitive enough to detect that something was not right, and gently helped me to surface this erroneous belief which was beginning to put an almost undetectable strain our marriage. We're still working on it and things have been improving by leaps and bounds. It is challenging for me because none of the men in my family have been monogamous. It's sad, but it's true. Therefore I kinda take it for granted that this applies to all men. This cynicism was detrimental to the relationship because trust was absent. Even without evidence, it was already 'guilty until proven innocent' - and even then, still guilty. Initially when my belief was revealed, Ben explained, "Imagine you are running a business. If you believe that this business is doomed for failure, you wouldn't put your whole heart in it right? You'd behave as if the business would go bust anytime." It's scary, but it's true.

Do I believe that totally monogamous marriages exist? This is a question I've been asking myself. I always say that wives should always highly esteem their husbands, otherwise they'd go be the men of another household. Also, don't be suspicious if the husband is having an affair - otherwise, since the suspicion is already there, might as well fulfill it instead of having to defend himself all the time. Now I have to examine myself if other beliefs are erroneous. Because it is really not fair to Ben. I don't think I'd like it very much either if he kept suspecting me of harbouring feelings or even having an affair with anyone. His trust for me is very reassuring, and it is only right that I commit this to him as well. Looking at our records, it is I who have more grounds for suspicion. However, Ben has chosen to trust me, and it is a privilege and honour to have that trust, and a joy to uphold it. It is really precious to me.

Deep down inside, I know he will remain faithful. Some may say that I'm naive, but looking at the odds, I'll definitely kill the relationship if I don't commit my trust fully. It's a gamble worth taking. Since God has placed the both of us together - and even held us together through times when the relationship almost went awry, I believe that God will hold our hearts together through to the end.

Thanks love. :) It's been a great ride. :)

Abigail Starts Reading

JESUS

DADDY

MUMMY

ABIGAIL

SHALOM

So far she's gotten them right all 3 times today. We are all amazed, including her grandparents. This is so fun! :D

It could have turned out real bad

I was feeding Abigail dinner tonite when she behaved like she had found something in her mouth. Slowly, she pulled out, between her thumb and index finger, a fishbone! It's about 2cm long! Thank God Lina wasn't the one who prepared the fish but my MIL, otherwise she'd have been throttled to death by now. Not too long ago I explained to Abby what a fishbone was and even let her touch one, or rather, several. Showed her how it felt like, especially in the mouth, and to eat carefully and pull it out if ever she found one inside. THANK GOD SHE DID. It's really scary.

The final stop

It's my last paper tomorrow. In fact my only exam for this semester. And I am not prepared for it. Lecturer says 'no need to study' because he does not want us to regurgitate facts, so it's application? 2 questions, 1 discussion type, 1 lesson plan in response to a particular context. I really pray that I'll do well for this paper. Things have been challenging at home since the old maid's gone. Shalom's still not too well - feverish at times, and MIL is at full throttle - at Lina's neck. SIL's daughter is over with the maid also - who is pretty terrified of MIL's ways. Abby's not doing very well today - runny nose started and ultra clingy. I tried to study today but didn't really succeed. The on-going commotion downstairs is not really conducive although everyone's been really thoughtful, knowing that I've got a paper at 9 tomorrow.

Normally Lina will take Shalom downstairs around 7.30am so I can get a bit of decent rest - but since the old maid's gone she's really bearing the brunt of the extra load. Dodo me didn't realise this until I asked her to take Shalom down early tomorrow coz I'd be leaving the house early. Then I could feel her holding her breath and almost tearing. Already the morning duties are a challenge with Siti around - now it's even worse. Seems she keeps asking when the new maid will arrive, as well as when we're moving.

Next week will most likely be our final week here at Hotel Robey, after which we'll be moving over to the new place. Packing's underway now and we've got 13 boxes of BOOKS. We haven't started packing anything else yet, and there are still some more books actually. We've run out of boxes, so packing's halted for the moment. Hopefully we'll be able to get some more soon. :)

Spikey Suppository

ARGH. Just returned not too long ago from a certain 24hr clinic around our area. Poor Shalom is unwell AGAIN - high fever and vomiting stuff besides breastmilk. It started yesterday - he felt slightly feverish so we gave him paracetemol, then thought everything would be fine. He started throwing up when we administered another dose at 7pm - and then kept throwing up eversince. The vomiting was almost involuntary - his stomach kept pumping out whatever was within. Last night was really long. He was really hot - our less than reliable thermometer registered 38.9deg Cel and when his temp was taken at the clinic (and he felt much cooler to the touch than the night before) it was 39.4! Last night we kept sponging him, and kept trying to feed medicine to keep his temperature down. But he just kept throwing up. It's amazing how much milk I produced to keep up with the nursing marathon. We were up almost every hour until about 4am. Shalom finally knocked out - and so did I - while Ben continued to sponge him.

When we woke up this morning, he was much better and even attempted to wave a 'Bye-bye!' - raised right hand, rotating wrist! It was so heartmelting to see him happy again, especially after the ordeal the night before. He really wanted to get out of the room and kept tapping his granny's shoulder to get out. Essentially it was - I've said my byes, let's go! But it started going downhill in the afternoon again. I wasn't feeling very well either. So by around evening, we decided to take him to the doc coz there was no way to keep his temperature down. So off we went.

Shalom was rather limp in my arms throughout the ride there and we had priority coz of his high temperature. It seemed like a privilege until we entered the doctor's office. I probably stepped on her tail the moment we entered it, and she had her claws out at on me throughout the whole consultation. Within me, I was just grateful for my MIL for who she is - instead of this person! She was extremely rude, told me off repeatedly even when I wasn't talking to her, extremely impatient with me when I couldn't provide precise and prompt answers to her questions. Overall, I wanted to bite her. I really did. But for the sake of Shalom, I didn't. *grits teeth* Although I almost wanted to swing Shalom's legs at her head, but better judgment cautioned me against doing so. Supposed to be civilised.

However, she was nice and patient with Ben! Maybe she really thinks I'm an incompetent mother because I didn't know if my son pooped today, couldn't give his precise weight - even at last measure (but isn't this a clinic? Couldn't she just get the weight by measuring him?), couldn't answer whether he pukes when breastfeeding. I thought I explained to her clearly by saying that he only pukes when given medication and sometimes a while after breastfeeding. Ben saw I was really pissed by her and intervened. She even made Ben call the operator to get the pharmacist at Guardian Centrepoint coz the clinic did not have the suppository.

It was extremely annoying. I really wanted to get out of there. Strangely enough, the doctor at the other office was faced with a difficult patient who wanted an injection for cough and flu. He nicely tried to tell the patient that there was no such thing, and later even got the nurse to explain to the patient, but in the end the patient got fed up, exclaimed that other clinics had such injections except here, and said he didn't wanna see the doctor anymore and left. Gosh. If there was a spectrum of doctors, these two would be at the opposite ends. Ours even lectured me on not relying on the maid coz they are forgetful yadda yadda, and even when I was asking ben to ask the doctor (I didn't wanna talk to her anymore) whether teething causes fever (I know it doesn't but MIL keeps insisting that it does so i wanted 'DOCTOR SAY DON'T HAVE) and I KENA FROM DOCTOR AGAIN! Dissed me off by saying that it's an old wives' tale. She was darn nice to Ben but absolutely horrible to me! When we exited, Ben commented, "This doctor must be absolutely biased against maids and daughters-in-law."

Out of all the suppositories, she's one of the spikiest.

Sudden changes

Suddenly, our Wish came true. Ben's dad called during lunch yesterday and asked us to go to Tagore coz he's looking at either a Wish or Honda Stream. To cut the long story short, we committed to a Toyota Wish XE 1.8L (Light Grey that doesn't look very grey). It's been our dream to get this car coz our Mazda can't ferry anyone once the family loads up, and we hate that. Actually, we've died to that idea coz when Ben's dad first saw the Wish, he wasn't overly impressed with it and wanted to get a Picnic instead (which is supposedly the same car actually! but more conventional looking). So the two men didn't get any coz they couldn't agree. Oh well. Then suddenly - many months later (FIL has been scouting around actually!) and got us there. It was totally amazing.

Another thing - my MIL's maid has been on our nerves for the longest time, so much so that we're pretty numb to it. Initially we really wanted her out - even wanted to install CCTV to 'catch her' etc... but also died to the ideas. And then - when she went for her medical check up on thursday, the pregnancy test kit showed "+". She even wanted the doc NOT to tell my MIL! Oh well. She says that it's her hubby's (he came to singapore) - they did it on Hari Raya which was on 24 Oct 2006. (Check up was on 22 Nov.) You do the math. My aunt asked, "Her hubby sent his sperm here uh?" Not too long ago, she said that he had run away with some other woman. It's all too confusing. Anyway she's gone back. Seems she wanted to abort the foetus and had wanted her friend to deliver the abortion medicine here, which ruffled my FIL's feathers. He said if she wants to do it, go back Indo to do it, but not in the house. Seems she's bent on it. Hopefully the saga has ceased. They're getting a new maid, and MIL is rather pleased with the new one after the interview last night - doesn't like long hair, walks fast, can cook (but Indo food). We're 'encouraging' ours to be on her best behaviour so that the new one won't adopt the nasty generational attitude towards my MIL.

Things are looking upwards. :)

Ooh YES! Ooh Lala!

I got my posting! :D and it's back to PCS! :D

Posting Update

Because of my no-pay leave supposedly ending on 31 Dec 06, the ministry hasn't been able to post me. So after today's conversation with one of their really nice and patient staff, I found out that I haven't been posted to any school yet and that they'll try to rush me to report on 4th dec (so that I can start drawing a paycheck :D). The lady also called me many times (I was at Hip Hop so I couldn't take the call) and when I finally called her back, her colleague, who was also really nice, filled me in on the details. I'm just really grateful to them for being so nice and patient. I mean, after dealing with a certain department in NIE that eats trainees for breakfast, I'm kinda terrified at these corporate people. But I'm just glad we had a pleasant conversation. And the best part: They will send the posting memo to my current residence! Yesh! that means I don't have to shuttle to the new place whenever I have this sense that I HAVE MAIL. It's really disappointing actually...

Oh well. Glad things are looking up. Praise God. :)

Expecting Changes

Had a hectic weekend, and I just realised that the graduating cohort (i.e. PGDE January intake) is supposed to report on 4 Dec to their schools! Let's see, I've got an exam on the 28th Nov, but have got some NIE enrichment programme starting on the 27th which will last for a week (but I'm exempted from several activities :D) and am most likely to report to my new school on the 4th! I haven't finished packing yet, in fact, I've barely started! :P have to speed up the packing process now.

Anyway, I've been bugging MOE personnel regarding my posting by calling them everyday - 3 days liao. They haven't gotten back to me yet. Will call them again tomorrow. Seems they have sent the posting memo out the previous Firday (10 Nov) but till now I haven't received any news. It's very troublesome coz I have to go to the new place to open the letterbox just to see if there's any mail! I've tried my luck by asking them if they could release my posting to me over the phone, but they said it's not the normal practice. SO I HAVE TO SHUTTLE WHENEVER I HEAR NEWS THAT I MIGHT HAVE RECEIVED MY POSTING. But the nice lady did suggest (but didn't follow up) for me to provide them my mailing address so that it would be easier for me. That's really sweet of her actually. Seems like I might have been overlooked coz I'm not the graduating January cohort but one of the remmants from the previous July 04 BA intake. Anyhow they'll have to post me somewhere, but it seems like I'm not on Poi Ching's list either. Oh well. God will put me in wherever He deems fit.

Time's running out, and I'm spending every precious moment of it with the kiddos. I now have very strong arms. :)

Super Hectic Saturday

Mum graduated from AGBC today with Bachelor in Theology. Phew. And she did it in CHINESE. It was a great moment, and even my granny said that she was very happy for my mother. Usually the older folks don't like to praise or affirm openly. So the message was relayed instead. Likewise, my uncle was so excited for my mum that he said he wanted to be at the venue at 11am. The ceremony only started at 1pm. Asked him why he wanted to be there so early, and he replied with so much joy and pride, patting his chest, "My sister!" It was sooo cool. Everything was really joyful, with a couple of exceptions that dampened the weather abit with whinings here and there.

The kids had to miss the afternoon event, coz they had to be well rested for my granny's 70th big bash in the evening at The China Club! The view was so gorgeous from above. And the children behaved well too! :)



I love these two photos. Shalom was really enjoying himself and the two grandmas - Ah Mah and Mama! :) Two of my relatives actually spent half the dinner figuring out whether this baby was a boy or a girl. Hahah... poor folks. In such mental agony.

Shalom was happily eating off the table - the longevity bun and some other breads while Abby was at the kids' table. She sat very well throughout the whole dinner! Very very unlike the other evening when I took her to AGBC's Annual Banquet.

She was such a handful I was very overwhelmed. Coz she aborted her nap midway in the afternoon. Argh. So today - no afternoon event coz I didn't want to have a headache at the birthday dinner.


See our happy (but tired) faces? We haven't been able to focus on meals for a long time until now. That's the secret to weight loss actually. Kids.

Help.

What's the matter with my layout? Somebody help... :'(

*struggle*

Praise the Lord! It's fixed! Hallelujah! :D

Happy Like Bird

Just handed in my Social Studies portfolio and essay today - which marks the end of projects, deadlines and assignments!! Yippee!! Woohoo!! But. Still got exam on 28th of this month. But thank God it's application, not the fact regurgitation kind. :) This kind, I like.

Now, to embark on the biggest project which has been bugging me forever - moving house. I want the new place to be functional and not overly filled with junk. I still clutter everywhere, and we desperately need to declutter and combine our filing systems. Yes, we've been married for 3 years and are still operating on 2 separate filing systems. Some things are just not that important. :)

And my list of things to do. Oh gosh. Especially the one in my head. I have so many things I wanna do, the last thing I need is to procrastinate, which is often the first thing I do. Or spend time with the kids. Although I would like to solve the mystery of "Which school will Audrey be posted to?" nevertheless I hope the news won't come so quickly (officially) coz I'll need to report to school. The last time I checked, posting (for the previous semester) was approximately 2 weeks after our exams. However, we had a really long break during the mid year. So I don't know if they'll still follow this practice for this term. The holidays are incredibly shorter. Also, I think there's less posting volume coz the graduating cohort is smaller (I think).

I'm really excited at the things to come. I'll probably blog about my breakthrough (I think I haven't) when I've sorted my thoughts out abit. :)

Snapshots of Shalom at 8 months

>> He likes ribbons and tags. Gums them whenver he gets a chance. Even with cloth teething toys, he chews only the tag part. I think I used to do that too when I was young.

>> He can sit up very well on his own, and is lunging forward from the sitting position. I think we can expect him to start crawling pretty soon! :)

>> He's got a lot of teeth. 4 upper, 3 lower with one more on his left - canine I think - breaking through. I'm still breastfeeding him! :)

>> He has been a reluctant feeder lately. He used to take 6oz every 4 hourly before he started solids and before he started falling ill so often. Now he struggles to finish 4 oz every 3-4hrly. But his solids have been increasing. I can't remember how to juggle milkfeeds and solids. Any clues? :)

>> He's still nursing at night. I get about 6 hours of sleep from his last feed. So if I waste time and blog I lose out on my sleep. :P Then he wakes and I co-sleep with him after that in our bed. He can find his way to his milk even asleep, in the dark! And if our backs are facing each other, he'll turn around, pull my hair, at which I'll turn around (in my sleep usually) and he'll latch himself on. Very smooth transaction now. :)

>> He's been taking so much medicine. Had bronchitis twice since September. I think it's the bugs from Abby's childcare. ARGH!

>> Yesterday when we left home for Tuan-Min's wedding, he started developing a fever. By the time we reached church, I was totally distressed because of the heavy downpour, Abby's hysteria in the car because of the raindrops on the car roof, Shalom's fever, and no carpark lot. He remained extremely drowsy and slept for most part of the wedding, including reception. Anne Mak, Keawta, Charlotte, Auntie Aye Lan and Queenie were all in prayer for him. When we reached home, I finally got the chance to administer Paracetomol and even before the medication took effect, he sprang to life almost instantaneously! Praise the Lord! :) We kept praising God! :D

>> He seems to be repeating vowel sounds. Eh-Ee for Daddy, Eh for Mei mei. Seems he's doing a new vowel sound everyday. He's done Er (Schwa or upside down e - phonetics) and Eh. Usually he just goes one tone continuously, especially when it's in a group conversation, like tonight at my aunt's place. He looked like he wanted to say something and join in the conversation!

>> He responds when we ask him if he wants his milk. MIL uses 'neng-neng' while I try to use 'Milk'. He seems to respond whenever he wants a drink. Otherwise there'll be silence. :)

>> He knows how to accept and reject an offer to carry him.

>> He and his granddad are best friends. They take walks around the car porch in the evening. I'm sure he's heard many of the patriach's secrets that none of us will ever know. Otherwise I think he knows the names of all the plants in the garden. Including the nicknames. :) He once fretted after he was accidentally ignored by his granddad. When Shalom first saw him, he was really excited and wanted to be carried. But a phonecall came in and he answered it. Shalom was sad that he got ignored. When the phonecall ended, the granddad came downstairs and tried to get Shalom's attention. But the kid's face was classic. He was actually fretting! Even had a pout! Refused to smile, he just kept staring at his granddad who was quite puzzled (and I think abit hurt because there were no smiles). Later Shalom relented and his grandpa carried him. Then he just laid his head on the old man's shoulder. Very hurt look on his face. All of us at the dining table were amazed. He kept himself plastered to his grandpa for the longest time and leaned on his chest/shoulder all the way. Very endearing sight.

>> He loves his sister a lot. Even when she rough-handles him, he's fine with it. :)

>> He gets upset when Ben doesn't spend enough time with him. We can actually see that he misses Ben alot. :)

>> When I carry him, he doesn't want anyone else to carry him - according to my MIL. :)

Snapshots of Abby at 27 months

>> We were at her saturday playgroup and abby was standing at the table behind a chair, drawing with crayons. I pulled out a chair on her right and asked her if she wanted to sit (also).
Abby (in deep thought, so rather matter-of-factly): Oh, oh, okie. Thank you mummy!
Then she continued colouring. Meanwhile, I was too impressed with her manners!

>> She can recite numbers rather well, from one to twelve, then fourteen, fifteen, (at this point mummy will always inject thirteen too late), and all the way to twenty. She knows how to list the twenty-plus also - I think. I thought I heard her say twenty-nine today. She can also count - one object with one number. She's learning to read digital time - and she looks forward to 9 o'clock coz it's bedtime, and then she starts resisting going to sleep.
Abby (at 7:30pm): Mummy, 9 o'clock?
Me: Not yet dear. It's seventy-thirty.
Abby (at 8:40om): 9 o'clock?
Me: Still a couple of minutes more. It's eight-forty.
Later at 9pm...
Abby: Mummy, 9 o'clock?
Me: Oh yes! It's 9 o'clock! Time to go to bed!
Abby: DOOWAN!
*speechless*

>> She sticks stickers with utmost precision. It's amazing. We've got a sticker activity book for her, and she's gotta search for stickers and paste them on 'templates' that are in a lighter shade. She does it so well for most that you don't see the lighter shade. It's very well superimposed - with few exceptions. The perfectionistic streak can be quite frustrating for her sometimes, so we're trying to get her not to be so hard on herself.

>> She's very, in fact extremely terrified of thunder. So when it was raining today, she was, as usual, tearing and just lost because of the soft rolling thunder. I was dozing in and out of my nap while feeding Shalom, and Ben was tending to her. When she came over to the bed, I was really at my wits' end. Usually that's when I pray. So I offered to pray with her.
Me (holding her, after suggesting to prayer together): Dear Jesus... I am scared... of thunder... Please protect me... Amen. (Pauses are for her to 'digest' the bite-size prayer.)
And all glory to God! She was significantly calmer after praying! It's amazing when you see your child respond to prayer. Amazing indeed. Even Ben noted she improved significantly after praying. She could even talk and joke amidst the thunder. Usually she'd freeze up and cry "thunder! Ser-kad (scared)!"

>> She likes to switch on lamps. So she gets to switch them on supervised whenever I need them switched on. When she found her 'toy', I told her she couldn't play with it. But knowing her, if she's restrained, she'd do it more - rebellious nature in all of us I think. So I gave her instructions, "Whenever mummy needs the light switched on, you help mummy do it, alright?" "Alright!" I try to make up opportunities for her to swtich it on (or off), and she'd do it excitedly. And she won't abuse the priviledge. She'd even offer to switch on other lamps for me - she'd ask first. And if it is not needed, most of the time she won't switch it on.

>> She likes to hug Shalom, especially while standing up. But I realised I have to 'lift' Shalom when she hugs him, otherwise in no time he'll have a very long neck! She holds him really tightly and I suspect he suffocates a little. Scary! Have to monitor very closely.

>> She can sing quite a number of songs -
Jesus loves me
Twinkle2 little star
Row3 Row your boat
Kinderboppers' Clap your hands & All fall down
Eensy Weensy Spider
ABC
Butterfly
Hokey Pokey
Baa Baa Black Sheep
Once I caught a fish alive
Good Morning
...

Can't remember all... but she's pretty musically inclined. Can hum tunes, sing La-la-la to melodies and can remember songs after hearing it or being taught.

>>She's starting to jump and barely lift her feet off the ground. She's still grounded... hehe. :) But managing to stand on one foot.

>> She learnt to use a pair of scissors yesterday! :)

>> She can pour very well... much better than her mother.

>> She usually puts her toys back after playing with it - one set before taking out another... except when her dad plays with her. Ben & I play differently. I am the super-stick-by-the-rule kind, whiile Ben's the creative one. So all the toys get integrated. They all have a communal meeting while I am amazed. Another thing - we've got this Ikea wooden shapes set - my version of 'play' is take all out and put them back according to the proper placing - super boring. Ben will create stuff and all with it! I try but can't get beyond stacking. I just can 'see' the creative part while Ben is amused by my 'by the book' attitude. We try not to impose on each other; instead we try our best to put our strengths into good use. He gets to play with Abby while I teach Abby to pack up. :) She gets the best of both worlds coz she packs really well (everything must be in order - no mixing) and is creative also. :)

>>Me: Where's Jesus?
Abby: In my heart!

One More to Go!

Just finished one assessed self-evaluation, one more reflective essay to go. I think I'll have to go school again on monday to submit my essay, my portfolio, my mc and clear my library fines. Typically, if we don't clear, they won't let us graduate. It's a legal ransom of sorts. Sounds fair to me. Although I won't miss the daily journey to the west, I sure will miss my tutors and lecturers. They've been awesome!

Tracking My Life

Significant Events/Turning Points in My Life...

just in case i lose my memory. Or my life.

early 1977 - almost didn't make it
oct 1977 - was born
1979/1980 - spent 3 months in indonesia to be with my dad who was running from creditors and managing some cig factory
1977 - 2003 - keep moving houses and changing kindergartens
1982 - liked a boy named Adi
1983 - brother was conceived; moved to Tampines St 21
jan 1984 - entered primary 1 in St Hilda's School (girls' school then)
mar 1984 - brother was born; Hotel New World collapsed
1984-1987 - cheeky girl in school; liked zero point; cheerleading, climbing bars
1987 - left SHS tearfully. Scarred. Moved to Nim Gardens. SHS moved to Tampines from Ceylon Road.
1988-1989 - went to CLGC. Grew up too quickly. One teacher was looking for someone to take part in the Nativity scene. I volunteered. She was glad. I was also glad. Until she said I looked exactly like the part of the donkey. I played the donkey. I still remember the teacher.
1989 - Got involved with someone in school. Rumours went round the whole school. I received my PSLE results. Teacher said I should have done better. I was devastated at hearing her words. It meant "Not good enough".
1990 - went to SJC coz most of my friends went there, including those who had better marks than me. So I thought it would be a good school. I was not spot on at all.
1990 - 1993 - committed myself to 4 years of netball. 4 years of Career's Club also... but had no idea how that helped me in my career.
1990 - met Benji via friend who was his pen-pal. Met him and his cousin - the latter was an ABC - Alligator, Buaya, Crocodile. Till now I still haven't seen him since.
1991 - broke up with her. Terribly insecure relationship.
1992 - was streaming into History class. I suck at history. I wasn't given the geog class coz I wasn't in the top 40.
1992 - had a string of boyfriends. Bad move.
1993 - had a steady who's now married to one of my childhood bestfriends. Failed two O Level subjects - History and Literature. Had As for E & A Maths, Science (Physics/Chem), Bio. Bs for English and Chinese.
1994 - Entered poly - Ngee Ann - banking and financial services but swtiched to Mass Communications because everyone was going there. Stupid dodo. Another steady which didn't begin too steadily. Friends betted we wouldn't last for 4 weeks. Entered poly pageant. Too ashamed to talk about it. Ex's friends called me bimbo. Not because of that though.
1995 - Got my driver's license.
1996 - Court seized property.
1997 - specialised in radio production. Got involved with Radio Heatwave - campus radio station. Vain like mad. Joined Miss Singapore, emerged 4th runner up. Went Germany Baden Baden to represent Miss Singapore. Another event which I would like to forget. Performed with JFK - Just For Kicks. Got to know Eve - the babe where all the manhunters were drooling over and hunting after. Even my ex. We were still together then. Parents' marriage on the rocks. Drunk many nights. Both my mother and I.
1998 - Went Perth to study Marketing & the Media @ Murdoch Uni. Another tumble downhill. Broke up with ex and got involved with a guy there. Became black sheep of the church. Spent one day in 'jail' staring at cell wall because of dirty looks from church members who were in the same house. Moved house 5 times in Perth.
1999 - Graduated from Uni. Parents never came to visit.
1999 - Applied to Shang. Got employed. Kissed my husband-to-be at the dawn of the millenium. Knew I was going to marry this guy.
2000 - Was asked to leave job. Not qualified, it seemed. Accepted by Monash to do Masters. Turned down offer. Dunno why. Full time tutor, taught 11 kids. Pure madness, poor money - lousy rates. Always kena ke-toh. Spent six weeks in Melbourne with Ben. Best time of my life. Did relief teaching at Seng Kang PS. Managed to commit all the worst mistakes a teacher could ever do - including flying markers and dusters. Too much Stephen Chow.
2001 - Continued to RT @ SKPS, got employed by MOE. Started contract teaching in PCS.
2002- Enlisted in NIE.
2003 - Got married. Got pregnant.
2004 - Gave birth to Abigail. Graduated with distinction in Diploma in Ed. I have no idea how that happened. All God's glory. Made valedictorian. Turned down valedictorian honour because investiture date was right smacked on Abby's EDD. Abby arrived 3 weeks early. Didn't attend investiture. Took one sem to be with baby and transit properly.
2005 - Got pregnant. Again. Cross-overed to BA.
2006 - Finishing the last lap of my studies. Hoping to graduate with honours. My family needs the money.

Too cute to resist!

I must remember to take more photos of Shalom and Abby! Time is passing by too fast indeed.

Closing of a Chapter

I am left with a couple of deadlines, all due this Friday, plus one exam on the 28th, and I will no longer journey to the west almost every (other) day. It's been four years, one longer than the time I spent in Ngee Ann, more than twice the number of years I spent in Murdoch, and as along as it took me to get my O levels cert. Gosh. It's been a long while. Some of my pals who went into NIE with me in 2002 have already completed their 3 year bond by now. And I am just beginning.

Although it's not too hard to bid farewell to salary-less days, I must say I have to think of a genuine excuse to diss credit-card telemarketers off courteously. No longer can I unabashedly proclaim, "Solly, I am too poor to apply for your credit card." I must try saying, "No, I am not interested," and bear drowning out their voices of, "but but!" as I gently disconnect the call.

To fully close this chapter, there are probably several things I need to do, one of which is to clear my library fines. I have quite a number of uncollected assignments and files, and unfortunately some tutors have already left NIE and dumped my files away. What a waste. Oh, and some of my precious notes have mysteriously disappeared from home also. I'm indeed a hoarder - four years of uni and I have 5 boxes of notes, not including the box that went missing and a few stacks that also mysteriously disappeared as well as my missing assignments and one Math folder. :( I really doubt I'll look through them though... I'm giving myself 5 years. At the end of the 5 years if I don't touch my notes, I'm recycling the papers. :)

I think the school posting will be out soon. It's a bummer I can't check with anyone coz I don't really know of anyone who'll be graduating together with me. To those who received your postings, was it near the exams, or after? Or closer to the results release date? :)

I just hope that I will transit well and settle down in teaching. I have indeed learnt a lot these past four years, and it has made me a better teacher, and more importantly, a better parent. Ben & I were discussing our parenting methods, and we really give thanks to God because we parent differently from how we were 'parented'. And I think to a large extent, this has been influenced by what I have learnt in NIE. Perhaps some may say that what has been taught is not applicable especially when the end result is still exam-based assessment a.k.a. the PSLE, yet I think the children will benefit greatly from the changing trends in education. I don't know what kind of teacher I will become, but I always believe in being firm yet gentle. Even as I struggle to stabilise myself and my moods, I hope I will be able to achieve a sense of consistency with my pupils and help them become useful and caring citizens of the world.

Looking Upwards

Tonight I will have a great rest.
Tomorrow will be a great day.
This whole week will be a FANTASTIC WEEK!

Despite it being ladened with DEADLINES all the way till friday.
Abby's getting referral letter to KK tomorrow.
Shalom's got second review for his lungs with the substitute PD on Tuesday. Real one on holiday.

But right now? I've gotta finish writing my essay. I'm almost halfway there. :) I can almost feel the burden lifting off my shoulder. Or either that my nerves are going numb.

Want some designer furniture at affordable prices?

Check out Melissa's site. Advertising for her (not that I've that high a readership anywayz). Just passing the word around. It's cool stuff, but way beyond my non-existent budget. Oh, I think she'll start a 'Do up your place before you sell" service, soon. She's good... :)

Strange search words...

Search "daschund smell from the penis" on Yahoo! and my blog is No. 12 11. Wah lau. Thanks ah.

The Silver Lining in the Collection of Dark Clouds...

Got smacked by another bout of thick clouds. These moods aren't really kind to any of us, especially Ben. He's been most patient ever and ever ready to help as I try to stay calm and objective. Got news from the eye specialist yesterday that Abby requires a surgery for her stye!!!! It's pure madness. She said that the stye has developed roots, so only a surgery can eliminate the stye. Gosh. And it's not cheap either. Now Abby's gotta put stinging eyedrops every 3 hourly.

Shalom needs yet another round of neubulising although we been doing it almost every 4 hourly round the clock since Wednesday. Sometimes I oversleep and extend to 6 hours instead. Second review on Tuesday. It's tricky - Shalom's every 4 hourly feed, plus 4 hourly neubulisation (1/2hr before and after no food in case of vomiting) PLUS medication 2 or 3 times a day. He's been throwing up EVERY time he takes his medication. Really upsetting. And he screams really well too.

Now swamped with deadlines. School's almost over, just gotta clear the remaining deadlines. I hope I can complete them soon coz my aunt's family is coming to Singapore today. Would love to spend some time with her.

The silver lining:
Spoke to the P of Abby's sat playgroup and found out he's in her new kindy's management committee! (Erhm.. not sure if it's the kindy or the church's). And he said that things are underway (hopefully!), and if God wills, the kindy will be under his mgmt! :D We'd love to put the kids next time at the current school @ Hougang coz we love the climate and teachers there, but due to distance and cost, we had to forgo that option. He kept saying, gotta pray about it! :) Hopefully he'll take over by the time abby goes P1! :)

Any other point in my life is better than now. Except 1997.

Is it really post-natal depression? But I gave birth such a long time ago. Anyhow it's been tough keeping things up. Maybe it's just a sore lack of sleep. Lately it's been a challenge keeping my spirits up and holding my hands to myself so that I don't smack people across the face for saying stupid things that even a two-year-old wouldn't say. Oh well. Perhaps they aren't even 2 year olds.

I am so looking forward to better days. I don't want to go into details here, because my doors aren't that open anymore. It's time to take stock.

I think it's hormonal. Otherwise it's really a lack of sleep. I am so tired. I have so many deadlines. I have a screaming pre-schooler and a baby who's sick. I have people judging me based on what I'm writing at this point in time. I have people giving me dirty looks while reading this post. Oh well. Dirty looks come from a dirty perspective. Otherwise, where else could it originate from?

I need sleep. Otherwise, I just need a lot of chocolate.

Bronchitis

2nd time in 2 months. First was in Sept. Then at start of Oct he had cough. Then now Nov he got smacked with bronchitis suddenly. Very heartbreaking. PD also damn expensive.

Changes

Current and anticipated changes...

*Finishing NIE
*Exams & deadlines
*Getting my school posting
*Starting teaching
*Moving house
*Becoming independent
*Depending on helper to care for kids (at least a few hours daily)
*Sharing a car & getting around with public transport
*Abigail terminating childcare
*Abigail terminating Aquaducks
*Abigail starting kindergarten near our new place

We wanted to stop Abby's Saturday classes at Montessori also, but since she's enjoying it so much (plus it's parent-accompanied and her uncle's joining next term) we'll let her continue there. We stopped Aquaducks for the moment coz she's been screaming each time the coach touches her and we haven't been regular in attendance because of poor health and weather. My body hasn't been fully co-operating. Anxiety related GERD and very bad mood swings - most likely health/hormonally related. I hope my life will stabilise. Ben mentioned if we were to chart the stresses brought about by changes since we got together in 1999, we'd realise that it's been very high strung and intensive. I'm all ready for stability. Let's pray everything goes well.

Please vote for them! :)

Please help to vote for Abby & Shalom at Mumcentre.com. It's only for a week and it closes this coming Monday. Thanks! :D

Huh? What did you just say?

It's either our over-active imagination, or Shalom's really speaking to us! So far, he's repeated 'Flower' to his grandpa, 'Che-che', 'Abby', 'Daddy' and 'Camel' to us! Amazing...

I Feel A Little Better

The dark clouds are dispersing. Charlotte actually saw them. Amazing. I've been too engrossed in clouds. Never did I realise that they were that symbolic. I'm glad the sun is shining through. I am so glad, so touched that she actually could understand the intensity of the clouds. No words could describe what I was going through. I was even contemplating seeking professional help. I just thank God for His wisdom. He's really professional I say! :)

Giving up control. Despite the dark clouds, I still wanted control. I know I need to give up control. But the more I tried to control, the more I lost it.

Today I realised we're not leaving Egypt. In fact, we're entering the Promised Land. Leaving Egypt involved stuff which are too scary (and too much) to mention here. Instead, "Be Bold and Courageous!" speaks loud and clear. A discerning friend from my Math class said there's too much fear. I've been gripped by fear. Thank God for her also.

The sun is indeed breaking through the clouds. I can sense the heaviness lifting. It was really heavy and difficult to breathe. Living was a chore. But now I know there's a breakthrough!

Today I learnt how to mess around with iMovie. Thank God for that! :) In fact, as I was telling my partner how long it was taking to upload the raw movie clip, he said we ought to pray for efficiency. Within the next minute the video was uploaded! :)

I believe things will go upwards from here. The uphill journey may not be easy, but the scene will surely be breathtaking. As breathtaking as these angels:

@ 7 Months

I think I just heard Shalom say, "Hah-oh!" to me this morning when we aroused from our slumber... after I greeted him, "Hello!" Too cool! :)

I AM SO TIRED.

Out of the 8 semesters, this has been the most challenging and the most tiring. I've been late for probably ALL my classes - consistently late. I've been living in a world that's behind time. I've been trying to speed things up but have been left even more breathless than ever before. I just want EIGHT HOURS OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP. Even by my own milking system. Currently, Shalom STILL wakes up out of habit in the middle of the night to suckle - roughly around 3am - and then continually suckle after that coz he knows I'm around. He'll sleep in his own cot first, then 3am starts then the suckling marathon begins. He can even find me when he's next to me while asleep! He'll latch on successfully then suckle away while I'll have to toss and turn - much like satay - when one side runs out and then switch over to the other side, a few times between 3 and 7am. I've been trying to do work at night after the kids go to bed, that means I only get to bed around 1-2am. Which means I don't sleep. Shalom's been waking up almost every night (once or twice he slept till close to 6am and that was when he was healthy) since he was born. I'm dying for uninterrupted sleep; otherwise, I'm dying. We can't do Ezzo totally with him coz firstly, we can't agree with Ezzo anymore and are severely paying for our decision, can't let him cry-it-out (CIO) coz he's just right next to Abby who'll also CIO, and then I'll CIO and so will Ben. So we settle for the persistent wake up calls. So much for the old joke of calling people up in the middle of the night at 3am to get them to pee. It's retribution I say.

Nevertheless, it's the only uninterrupted bonding time I get with Shalom. Abby's not exactly at an age where she knows what sharing means (developmentally not really ready) so it's quite a challenge to get her to share with Shalom. Sure she knows what sharing is when it's to her advantage. Like today, when Shalom was gumming a toy, she ripped it from his hand and said, "Share!" She's right, I tell you. Shalom's just too glad that his sister is responding to him. Wait till he gums her. Oh wait, she's the expert here.

Work's been piling up although today's been a pretty productive day. :) On the bright side, Ben & I are spending much more time together as we make time to lunch together and dine out on Saturdays. It really does wonders to the marriage, and we're not as errand-oriented as when we're running errands. We also realised that Abby needs to see the both of us together displaying affection (in fact both the kids) and whenever that happens, she's more secure and doesn't wake up in the middle of the night. So what Ezzo observed holds some water after all.

Right now Ben & I are both working on similar issues, and it really does feel good to know that I'm not that alone after all. Especially when sometimes the future doesn't seem very bright and things get really depressing. Maybe I'm just really very tired.

On a more positive note, we've weaned Abby off diapers. She's been mostly successful, except when she's thoroughly engrossed in an activity. Accident no. 1 happened when I took her along for PCS ex-teachers reunion. She was happily playing with her soup when she looked up and said, "Pass urine." I thought she wanted to go, but when I saw drippings off the high chair, i realised it was too late. :P No.2 happened at her aunt's place. I think it was No.2 & 3. She was there with her granny and was playing with her cousin. Not too sure about details, but I think she returned with her 1 month old baby cousin's diaper! She's consistent at home, tell us me when she needs to go. Seems that Lina needs to take her regularly to the potty coz she won't tell her. Hmm. Oh well. And she also wakes up dry in the morning. Is that a sign of nighttime dryness? Will it be consistent? :P

I just hope that things will start looking up. I've been reading more books lately (strangely as I hardly have time for much) and the current read is 'Boundaries' by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

The contents really hit too close to home, yet it is breath-taking to know that there is a way out. I've been wanting to read this book for a long time, and I'm glad I'm past the first and second chapter. Changes will need to be made, especially patterns established a long time ago will need to be broken. And they will be for the better.
Another book I just got from the NLB:
Child of Our Time By Tessa Livingstone.

I was recommended this book, hopefully will be able to skim through it.
The two books I finished were:

I need all the counselling and guidance I can get. Desperately needing help.

To a certain extent, I am looking forward to the sanctuary @ our new place. Ben & I have always had this unintruded bubble eversince we knew each other sixteen years ago. That's my cave actually. Yet somehow I'm approaching this place with fear and trepidation because we are no longer under the protection of my in-laws. Social protection, so to speak. Although there have been ups and down these past three years adjusting to living with a new family, I have been given a new lease of life to live life a new way, a way of freedom and away from emotional tangos. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I really hope I will be able to retain my sanity and boundary and not sour any relationships. Isn't this bad, being so pessimistic even before moving? Maybe I'm really just tired.

The Irony of Life

My blog's probably most infamous for the entry on that unscrupulous makeover company done a while ago - check out the comments section. My mum only started reading my blog recently for updates on my two precious so she didn't know about this incident. To cut the long story short, SHE BOUGHT A PACKAGE FROM THEM!! Sigh. AND SHE PUT THE PACKAGE IN OUR NAME SOME MORE! Sigh. I don't know whether to die from laughter or from embarrassment. To cut another long story short, after I told Ben about it, he said he would not be comfortable going back there YEARLY for our shots. Like I would be? I really hope my mum would cancel the payment. (Till now, she still doesn't get it that I will never go back to that place.) The photography is really bad and after slamming it and causing many people to cancel their appts with them after googling and getting my account, I really don't know how to smile AT THEIR CAMERAS. Ben & I don't ever, ever, ever want to go back there EVER AGAIN. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. NEVER. You get the idea? Yes? No?

The Majesty of God

I don't really crave to visit other countries, but when I see the wonders of nature such as this, I am in total awe and I wanna be there - safely of course! It just reflects the majesty of God, his awesome fury as well as his tremendous grace. My favourite has to be mammatus clouds although I also love shots of lightning from clouds. Awesome indeed.

At What Price?

Primary schools today were closed for Children's Day celebration. Some ex-PCS (except one who's still a current PCS tr) teachers gathered for a dinner. I brought Abby along coz Godma Elise was gonna be there. I didn't want her not to miss any chance seeing her godmas. After dinner and coffee, one message was clear - teachers' passion for teaching is still being snuffed out by The System. I really shudder at what is to come. One question kept ringing in my head, "What exactly is The System?" More significantly, will i be caught in the mad race also?

I've been advised to get my priorities right and stick to them. At this point, before i embark on teaching, I know that my children are very important to me. I know that the Ministry, the School and the pupils will easily get a more competent teacher than I, but Abigail and Shalom will never be able to have another mother. Nor another father. That's both Ben & my reminder to prioritise well. Ben's doing a great job in terms of managing his priorities. I must learn well from him.

I just think whatever decisions we make, there will be a price to pay. After a brief surfing regarding related complaints about the system, the schools, the students and the workload, another fact became stark. Society is already paying the price for dual-parent working families. Children are left unguided, or barely guided by domestic helpers and, if fortunate enough, wise grandparents. Parents who should be responsible for the children are out there giving their all to corporations who will suck them dry and then hunt for another prey to devour. Children are then pinballed around as no one wants to claim responsibility over them, especially the trying teenage years. Parents who have failed to establish rapport with their children find it absolutely difficult to communicate and discipline them, so when trouble hits, parents blame everything and everyone else but themselves. Everyone is crying for help - helpless parents, exasperated students and worn out teachers. Who can help? And once again, at what price? Are we willing to let others take the first place while we get our own house in order? Or must we die-die be the hub and the first for everything, just for the sake of survival? But it is plain to see that we aren't surviving very well. Dysfunctional families are on the rise, thanks to the race for survival.

We are self-destructing.

The Other Mummy

My life has changed drastically.

It all started when a strange woman barged into my house. She didn't ring the doorbell, she just opened the door and walked in.

"Is Anna here?" the woman asked, standing in our front hall.

"What?" I said. But Anna was already shrieking ecstatically and running toward us.

"Mommy!" she cried joyfully. She ran past me and buried her head in the stranger's chest. "Mommy, mommy, mommy," Anna sighed as the woman lifted her into her arms.

I stared at them in shock. There was something horribly magical about them. It was like they were an instant twosome. Their love for each other was so deep. I felt worse than left out. I felt wrong — too small, too big, too average.

"Anna!" I moaned, but she and the woman were twirling past, laughing and breathless. They flopped down on the couch, and then — I couldn't believe it — the woman pulled up her shirt and Anna started to nurse. The woman stroked Anna's hair lovingly as Anna slurped and slurped.

I stood over them, tears streaming down my face. "What's happening?" I sobbed.

"She's nursing," said the woman serenely, staring into Anna's beautiful brown eyes.

"But she's weaned! We stopped over a year ago!"

The woman looked at me calmly.

"Quiet down, please," she said. "You don't nurse Anna anymore. But I'm her new mommy. And I do nurse her. It's okay. She has both of us now."

I was dumbfounded.

"Get. The hell. Out," I said loudly. "Anna doesn't need two mothers."

Anna stopped nursing and turned to me. "Two mommies," she said.

"You'll get used to it," said the woman. "You'll even love me. You'll see."

And she's been living with us ever since.

As you can imagine, it's been a terrible, terrible time. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I'm blinded by jealousy. I desperately want Anna to love me best. I offered her my breast the other day.

"I can nurse you too, see?" I said plaintively. Anna just smiled and tried to distract me with a toy. Later I saw the other mother nursing her, and my heart shattered.

Other times I feel the most intense rage toward the other mother.

But most of the time I just want things to go back to the way they were. I'm sick and tired of all the changes. I want everything to just.....regress.

Okay, okay, not really

This is a fictional scenario, of course.

But this is as close as I can come to imagining how Anna must have felt when Clara arrived, and how she must still feel. It helps me understand her regressions.

Anna has become exceedingly oral. At age 2, she's started using a pacifier. She mouths other things too — books, Legos, her baby doll's bottle, me.

This would be okay if it weren't for the chokables. In the past, when she found a small object like a bottle cap or a penny, she'd immediately trot over to me and drop it into my hand. But last week she put her tiny tea set cup in her mouth and rolled it around like a sugar cube. ("No!" I shrieked, and she spit it out, terrified.)

We've also had a problem with sleep. A few weeks ago, Anna dropped her nap yet again. Then she decided she didn't like Quiet Time.

"I don't like it, Quiet Time," she'd sob as soon as I heaved her into her crib. And she'd cry off and on for the entire hour — making it Loud Time. I tried books and toys. She tossed them out of the crib, screeching. I added massage to our pre-nap routine. She wasn't fooled.

We dropped Quiet Time and put her to bed earlier. This worked for a while, and then it stopped working. She got overtired and started waking up at night.

And, of course, there have been tantrums.

A small pause

I think Anna's been trying to tell me something with these behaviors, but for a long time I didn't want to listen. In a way I was regressing myself. I have a new baby on my hands! Anna needs to be easy right now! She needs to sleep right, act right, and not scare me with chokables! It's not fair, I thought childishly.


But it is fair. Anna's world changed drastically when Clara was carried in the door. In fact, it continues to change — at breakneck speed. Most of the time she copes well, with grace and humor. But sometimes she needs to be a baby too. And sometimes I forget this.

This afternoon, Anna sat on my lap while I rubbed Clara's stomach. Clara had just calmed down from an intense crying spell. I had swaddled her in her pink blanket and she lay peacefully on the floor gazing at the ceiling fan. Everything was fine, until Anna started to cry.

I didn't get it. She had the best seat in the house. Clara was the one on the floor. I could feel myself getting frustrated.

But then, inspiration struck like a miracle.

"Anna?" I asked. "Do you want to be swaddled too? Like Clara?"

"Put blanket on Anna," she said, sniffling.

So I took our big blue quilt, wrapped her in it, and laid her down next to Clara. Then I gave her a pacifier and rubbed her stomach.

The girls lay next to each other, looking up at me with their round, trusting eyes.

"My two babies," I teased, laughing.

Anna laughed too, but she didn't get up. In fact, for the next several minutes, we all stayed exactly where we were, taking a break from change.

Taken from BabyCentre-Evonne's Journal

Ben suggested I should post this up after sending the article to him. I entitled it, "SO SCARY." And indeed it is. Do let me know how u feel after reading it. :)

What One Can Do

As I watched this, I cried and cried. Hugger, Juan Mann (pun for One Man), goes round hugging in Sydney. Think his campaign is going world-wide. Read about it here and watch his interview. For those in Sydney @ the moment, Monday's declared 'A Day of Hugging' and the city will be hugged at noon. :)

Some people might cringe at this movement, but recalling the fact that there are people who exist without experiencing much human touch is very painful. According to Hugs Therapy (actually Virgina Satir, family therapist), research shows that "we need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."

Just one person can have such a huge rippling effect on the world - read especially the comments on the youtube site.

Have you hugged someone today?

Development

It's been a while since I posted on Abby's development. Actually I should record Shalom's also. While digging through old entries, I realised I haven't recorded enough. Argh. Partly I don't want this to be used as a competitive benchmark because it's actually a bad idea. We all should push toward Ability Driven education, instead of competition driven. Anywayz...

Abigail is almost fully toilet-trained, except that she can't really undress yet. Otherwise, she will let us know that she needs to 'Pass Urine' (a development from Pah-Ring), actually go on the toilet bowl with the Nuby Toilet seat (good gadget, highly recommended. From Kiddy Palace @ $9.90 after discount. Original price at $14.90. Place under Toilet bowl ring to prevent child from falling from seat if potty seat slips.), wipe herself (I'll wipe her after that) and then flush. She can put on her own panties and shorts. She can also differentiate between shorts and pants... Heh. She's still figuring out how to put on her top though, and it's really cute. She combs her own hair and my hair as well. We shower together, and she learns a lot by watching and my running commentary (sometimes only).

She can also put on and take off her shoes and sandals. Scary thing is - she is ULTRA-meticulous. When she puts them on, she'll dust her feet with her hand first before putting on each side of her shoe/sandal. As for taking off, she'll take one off, velcro the strap properly and then remove the other one. Then she'll put the both together and place them at their proper place. If she's taking off her socks, she'll tuck each sock into each shoe before putting her shoes back properly. Wow.

Language-wise, she's actually developing the SVOCA (Subject-Verb-Object-Complement-Adverbial) full set. E.g. Abigail (Subject) put (Verb) books (Object) on the table (Complement) properly (Adverbial). But she doesn't really speak like that all the time. Usually it's SVO which is really good! She'll add adverbs in whenever she thinks is appropriate. :)

As for my darling Shalom, he's a real charmer. He can act really well too! HE hasn't been feeding well, and I think it's caused by the thick coating on his tongue. Will get the medication from MIL to remove coating. Our actor's latest stunt is to feign choking whenever he sees the milk bottle or when it's near his mouth. He drinks only about 3-5oz eversince he started on the second med on monday. And MIL is not too happy about the PD's medicine. Oh well.

Here's the Granny Award winning performance by Shalom:



Just to explain the video abit: He got tired of drinking milk after drinking about 3oz then started his 'choking'. So each time the bottle goes near his mouth (or even getting him to hold his own bottle), he'd start choking. Milk doesn't even get near his mouth (except for the third attempt). Then when I announced 'All Done!' you could see the relief, confirmed when I sat him up. He's been doing it the past two days, first when he was with MIL, then with Lina. MIL couldn't help but laugh coz this little fella is too cute!

Child Centred Time

I had an experiment a couple of days ago. During the first experiment, I dictated what Abby should play and how she should play it. Ben sat through the results of the findings as one who had to withstand getting his nails torn apart by durian thorns. It was AWFUL. I was in pain, because it had been a terribly frustrating experience. I almost ended up hitting Abby because she deliberately did the things I told her not to, like use her lollipop as a crayon on the high chair and jumping at the edge of the bed. Both of us were exasperated with each other. It was very bad group work.

The next day, I tried the other approach. I took on the roles of the observer, helper and cheerleader. I watched how she played, assisted her whenever she had difficulty and cheered like mad whenever she did something right. It was an AWESOME time! We had so much fun! And she learnt so many things! :)

It felt like an Ezzo vs What I learn in NIE - Parent-directed vs Student centred approach. In the former, the teacher/parent decides what the child should learn and how to learn it. The other method focuses on the child, allows the child to take responsiblity over his/her own learning and the teacher no longer disseminates information and acts as if she's the queen of the classroom. Instead, she helps. It requires so much more. But it is really more rewarding. I really don't know how things will turn out with MOE doing away with EM3 and implementing subject-banding instead (as announced today in the news). The only downside is the stress the kid has to go through during post-evaluation after Foundation/Standard to move to Standard if he or she was being posted to Foundational level. Oh well. At least parents have the final say. Actually, that's a really scary thought.

ARGH!*!*! TEETH!$^%#&%!!!!!!

Had a great conversation and evening with Ben last night. Then we hit the pillow. Before I could fall asleep, Shalom stirred. Brought him over to our bed and I thought it would be 'business as usual'. BUT. Last night he was rather fidgety and kept CHEWING ME!!!!! His two bottom pearly whites are showly clearly, and his emerging upper left is also making its grand entrance. Each time he turned away and back, he'd almost latch on but chew and then let go. And each time he did that, I'd jolt right out of sleep into extreme awakeness. And he kept going at it until I actually yelled! (Or complained loudly rather.) Then he stopped and kwai kwai suckled and slept. The advice of stuffing his face in wouldn't have worked because he wasn't holding on biting. He just kept chewing. ARGH. God help me.

Climbing out of the Pit

Praise the Lord. The children are recovering. Abby's way better and Shalom doesn't wheeze as much. We're returning to the pd for a check up today to note their progress. I'm still on antibiotics, which I conveniently forgot about for the whole of yesterday. :(

It's term break, and I finally managed to draft a schedule. Ben & I had a great weekend. We took time out for a date and a movie (free, compliments from our insurance advisor Jenny who's a GREAT(!) consultant :D). We watched Singapore Dreaming which is probably finishing this weekend. I'm so proud of that movie. I'm supposed to tell 10 people about it. So I think I have. :D It's about a Singaporean family, and the storyline is so familiar. Moral of the story, loosely translated from the China woman in the show, "You singaporeans give up your dreams to do something you do not like, while we Chinese do the things we don't like to realise the dreams we have." She was a beer lady who later billed CK (Lim Yu Beng) $100 for the advice she dished out. Wah. More expensive than counsellor. But damn effective. I like humanoidinterface's personal reflection of the movie. Ben thinks the bro-sis duo in the film is dysfunctional because of attachment disorders. I think the movie can be read at so many levels. It hits too close to home. And it's a typical Singaporean family. What struck me also was the way the mother (Alice) gave part of her late husband's winnings to his undisclosed 'other family'. But what was unreal was the way that woman wore the same pair of earrings to the the dead man's wake. Erhm... we don't usually dress up or even put on make up to Chinese wakes. So... maybe she wore the earrings for sentimental reasons. (The patriach gave the same pair of earrings to his wife when he won the $2million toto jackpot, so the earrings were used as a giveaway indication to reveal the status of 'the other woman' at the wake. But anywayz...

We had a very stress-free weekend. Came home after lunch (although I was in a terribly foul mood for the strangest reasons which I am still clueless about) and we finally wrote down goals for the next 3 months. It's really quite exciting! Heh, and we got up at 6am this morning for our morning run! I felt like puking though. The whiffs of doo poo kept hitting me in the face, and my mental stamina is close to zero. And, who said Singapore does not have homeless people? We ran past this old man who was sleeping on the park bench. What can we do? Any suggestions to help him? :)

I hope Ben's recommendation to help me overcome several management problems will break my barriers. Right now I need the breakthrough badly. Otherwise I might slip right back into the pit again.

Tired. Really Tired.

Haven't been resting well. Too undisciplined. Energy level kicks in only after the kids are asleep - guess the playing helps me to recharge... and by the time I get into the swing of things (ie work) it's past midnight. I get a little done, and it's 1plus, almost 2. Then I have a 8.30 class the next day. I really have no idea how to adjust my body clock. Thank God the term break is here. I MUST HAVE ORDER IN MY LIFE.

Time to re-align my life. Amidst the chaos. Brought my two precious to dr ong (PD) today. Wanted to save $$, so went to polyclinic for the both of them last week and this week. Shalom's finished one course of Amoxyxilin - 7 days, and still unwell. Checked today AND HE HAS BRONCHITIS. Very phlegmy lungs. Brought the nebulizer machine for him to inhale at least 4 times a day, 4 hourly interval. Has a cocktail of medication to take - the BOTH of them. For Shalom, it's especially tricky. Can't take med at least 1/2 hr after his feed coz he tends to spit up quite a bit. For the nebuliser, S can't take any thing 1/2 hr before AND after the inhalation coz he'll most likely be spitting out his phlegm that's being dislodged from his lungs. Poor baby. Heart really break. I was awoken this morning by his wheezing. I was getting frantic coz it reminded me of asthma. When my bro was young, about 3, he was wheezing the whole day. When my mum came home, I got a huge scolding from her because of HIS wheezing! She asked me why I didn't tell her that he was wheezing. All along I thought he had either a blocked or very clogged nose. Never in my life have I heard asthmatic wheezing (I was only 10 years old) but ever since then, I jump whenever I heard any wheezing at all. Anyway, back to money - wanted to save money so brought the kids to polyclinic twice. Plus me twice. But today's pd visit busted everything. $270 total for the both of them. (Could hear MIL's silent grumbling when she asked, "How much?" Coz she complained that dr ong's really expensive. But I'd rather spend this on the kids' health that on another set of pots or typical fancy chinese dinner. Different priorities lah. Anyway not spending her money.) But thank God S doesn't have to be admitted to hospital. I think that'll be traumatising for everyone. I'm so glad to be sleeping with him tonight. He seems to be running a fever though. God please heal him.

As for my messed up life, I'm making a few adjustments. Hopefully they'll be permanent. I need to take more control over my life. As if I'm not a control-freak yet.

A Lifestyle We Can't Afford

Sep 18, 2006
SITNews: Paying for a lifestyle they can't afford
by Nur Amira Abdul Karim

UNDERGRADUATE Chua Wei Jun, 22, is majoring in finance - but his own accounts are in a mess.
He is deep in debt: He owes $600 in mobile phone bills and close to $3,000 in credit card payments.

He is one of a growing number of young Singaporeans who are losing control over their spending. They are borrowing money from banks, going wild with supplementary credit cards and tapping friends for loans.

Mr Chua's troubles began when his father gave him a supplementary credit card on his 21st birthday.

Since then, he has used it to buy a pair of Gucci shoes ($800), a PDA phone ($1,000), an iPod video ($500), branded clothes ($800) and a digital SLR camera ($1,900).

He also borrowed $600 from a cousin and $400 from his best friend to pay his credit card instalments and phone bills.

His parents have refused to bail him out.

His mother, Mrs E. Chua, said: 'My husband and I are very disappointed with our son's behaviour and we don't want to encourage it by helping him pay his outstanding bills.'

He is now giving tuition, earning about $800 a month, $550 of which he spends servicing his debts.

His cellphone line has been disconnected and he now uses a pre-paid card.

The only child of a restaurant manager and a housewife is seeking help to curb his compulsive spending habits.

The undergrad said: 'I have been seeing a counsellor in school about my problems. Some days, I can't sleep worrying about my debts.'

While Mr Chua's parents are aware of their son's debt problems, some young people YouthInk spoke to have managed to keep their financial woes fairly quiet.

Ms Suriyah M.A., 19, owes close to $2,000 to three friends for helping her finance a trip to Bali.

The Institute of Technical Education student went there for a week-long holiday, staying in a four-star hotel and splurging on partying, wakeboarding and diving lessons.

Her parents still think the trip was paid for by the school.

Ms Suriyah said: 'My parents would never let me go if they knew I had to pay for it. So I just looked for a way to finance it on my own.'

The nursing student, who works part-time at a manicure parlour and earns $700 a month, believes she can pay off her debt soon.

But fresh graduate Tan B.L., 24, has bitten off a bit more than he can chew.

Currently without a job, he saw his two-year-old Mazda sedan repossessed recently because he defaulted on his monthly instalment payments.

He owes $3,500 to the car dealer and has been threatened with legal action.

The aspiring model said: 'I wanted a flashy lifestyle - and I'm paying the price. I don't want to be sued. I can't afford to have such a stain on my record.'

Some other youngsters are in debt, too, but for less frivolous reasons.

Mr Muhammad Nasir and his friend, Mr Chandran S., both 26, each have $150,000 worth of education loans to repay.

The housemates studied law in the United Kingdom and are now working in a London law firm, each earning £4,000 (S$11,650) a month.

Mr Chandran said: 'Half my salary goes towards paying the loan. I basically live from pay cheque to pay cheque.'

Mr Muhammad, who has three younger siblings, also sends about $1,200 to his parents in Singapore every month.

But he does not see his financial commitments as a burden, 'they're merely my responsibilities'.

Not very many youths here share his sentiments, largely because they do not have a viable exit plan.

Should this trend continue, Singapore youth may share more than a love for pop culture with their American counterparts.

In the United States, young people under 35 have 30 per cent more debt than other age groups.

Said Mrs Chua: 'We should have set a credit limit on our son's card - but we trusted him.

'Hopefully, other parents will be more vigilant.'

The writer is a third-year political science and law student at the Singapore Management University

SLEEPLESS OVER DEBTS
'I have been seeing a counsellor... about my problems. Some days, I can't sleep worrying about my debts.'
MR CHUA WEI JUN, an undergraduate who owes $600 in mobile phone bills and close to $3,000 in credit card payments.

PRICE OF A FLASHY LIFESTYLE
'I wanted a flashy lifestyle - and I'm paying the price. I don't want to be sued. I can't afford to have such a stain on my record.'
MR TAN B.L., 24, a fresh graduate and currently unemployed. He owes a car dealer $3,500 and has been threatened with legal action

Ben and I were discussing about applying for a credit card. Our payslips have never really qualified us for one (mine actually) but recently, Ben's has, but we haven't really discussed about it coz we've been living on one paycheck for the last 2.5years. Coming from a family that's been torn apart by bad debt and instant gratification, I am hesitant about committing myself to a 'luxurious lifestyle' and 'instant ready credit'. I was given a vision before - one of a barrel of tar that's covered by a pretty top. It looked gorgeous and when a person fell into it, it was almost impossible to clean off the tar. I think it applies to credit cards also. Living in a generation of instant gratification, it's dumb to be still paying for that meal you ate a few months ago when you can't make the end-of-the-month credit payments and starts snowballing with interest.

So Ben and I have decided. There's really no need for a credit card. We've got a debit card each, and it works even better. There's no end of the month bills to 'look forward' with fear and trepidation to, and we can use the Mastercard facility just as well. Also, debt puts unnecessary strain on the marriage and the family, and life already provides enough strain for us not to add any extra. Also, I've seen how my mother has bailed her ex-husband (incidentally my dad) out countless times, and we've realised that lending money to pay off other people's debt essentially is saying goodbye to our money which we are trying to be careful with. It just isn't fair when we're trying so hard to be careful with our money and have someone whom we can't say no to ask to borrow from us and then possibly fret when we say no. It is not fair. If we lend, we deprive our children and others whom we can bless plentiful blessings. The borrower may think, "If you lend me, you're blessing me!" But we'll be cushioning the borrower from real consequences and the borrower can happily continue the mindless lifestyle. We don't want to pay for other people's stupidity. That's not fair to anyone at all.

As for our own stupidity, we pray that we will tread carefully in the area of finances. None of us dare to overconfidently proclaim that our marriage can withstand the storms of self-inflicted selfish decisions. Instead, we need to protect our marriage so that our children will grow up in an intact family. We really don't need that extra pair of Gucci shoes or the latest gadget. Great to have it if we can pay with budgeted cash, but it doesn't really hurt not to have it. Like the saying goes, "We buy the things we don't need with the money we don't have to impress the people we don't like (or don't know)." Even without a credit card, we already need to pay off personal loans, which we hopefully will clear by the end of next year. (We've already got a taste of being in debt. Sigh. But we won't ask anyone to bail us out coz we deserve to experience being responsible for our own debt.) What more with the game of using cards to roll debt around? We're definitely not susceptible; we're humans, therefore we have to be extremely cautious because we know we may fall into that trap too.

So we've learnt - if anyone (including ourselves) need to be charged for bankruptcy because of our own stupidity, it's not the end of the world. Be charged, clear the debt ourselves and start afresh. We really don't want to burden other people with any debt and deprive them from whatever they deserve for the money they've so diligently been a good steward over. It's really not fair to them.