I AM SO TIRED.

Out of the 8 semesters, this has been the most challenging and the most tiring. I've been late for probably ALL my classes - consistently late. I've been living in a world that's behind time. I've been trying to speed things up but have been left even more breathless than ever before. I just want EIGHT HOURS OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP. Even by my own milking system. Currently, Shalom STILL wakes up out of habit in the middle of the night to suckle - roughly around 3am - and then continually suckle after that coz he knows I'm around. He'll sleep in his own cot first, then 3am starts then the suckling marathon begins. He can even find me when he's next to me while asleep! He'll latch on successfully then suckle away while I'll have to toss and turn - much like satay - when one side runs out and then switch over to the other side, a few times between 3 and 7am. I've been trying to do work at night after the kids go to bed, that means I only get to bed around 1-2am. Which means I don't sleep. Shalom's been waking up almost every night (once or twice he slept till close to 6am and that was when he was healthy) since he was born. I'm dying for uninterrupted sleep; otherwise, I'm dying. We can't do Ezzo totally with him coz firstly, we can't agree with Ezzo anymore and are severely paying for our decision, can't let him cry-it-out (CIO) coz he's just right next to Abby who'll also CIO, and then I'll CIO and so will Ben. So we settle for the persistent wake up calls. So much for the old joke of calling people up in the middle of the night at 3am to get them to pee. It's retribution I say.

Nevertheless, it's the only uninterrupted bonding time I get with Shalom. Abby's not exactly at an age where she knows what sharing means (developmentally not really ready) so it's quite a challenge to get her to share with Shalom. Sure she knows what sharing is when it's to her advantage. Like today, when Shalom was gumming a toy, she ripped it from his hand and said, "Share!" She's right, I tell you. Shalom's just too glad that his sister is responding to him. Wait till he gums her. Oh wait, she's the expert here.

Work's been piling up although today's been a pretty productive day. :) On the bright side, Ben & I are spending much more time together as we make time to lunch together and dine out on Saturdays. It really does wonders to the marriage, and we're not as errand-oriented as when we're running errands. We also realised that Abby needs to see the both of us together displaying affection (in fact both the kids) and whenever that happens, she's more secure and doesn't wake up in the middle of the night. So what Ezzo observed holds some water after all.

Right now Ben & I are both working on similar issues, and it really does feel good to know that I'm not that alone after all. Especially when sometimes the future doesn't seem very bright and things get really depressing. Maybe I'm just really very tired.

On a more positive note, we've weaned Abby off diapers. She's been mostly successful, except when she's thoroughly engrossed in an activity. Accident no. 1 happened when I took her along for PCS ex-teachers reunion. She was happily playing with her soup when she looked up and said, "Pass urine." I thought she wanted to go, but when I saw drippings off the high chair, i realised it was too late. :P No.2 happened at her aunt's place. I think it was No.2 & 3. She was there with her granny and was playing with her cousin. Not too sure about details, but I think she returned with her 1 month old baby cousin's diaper! She's consistent at home, tell us me when she needs to go. Seems that Lina needs to take her regularly to the potty coz she won't tell her. Hmm. Oh well. And she also wakes up dry in the morning. Is that a sign of nighttime dryness? Will it be consistent? :P

I just hope that things will start looking up. I've been reading more books lately (strangely as I hardly have time for much) and the current read is 'Boundaries' by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

The contents really hit too close to home, yet it is breath-taking to know that there is a way out. I've been wanting to read this book for a long time, and I'm glad I'm past the first and second chapter. Changes will need to be made, especially patterns established a long time ago will need to be broken. And they will be for the better.
Another book I just got from the NLB:
Child of Our Time By Tessa Livingstone.

I was recommended this book, hopefully will be able to skim through it.
The two books I finished were:

I need all the counselling and guidance I can get. Desperately needing help.

To a certain extent, I am looking forward to the sanctuary @ our new place. Ben & I have always had this unintruded bubble eversince we knew each other sixteen years ago. That's my cave actually. Yet somehow I'm approaching this place with fear and trepidation because we are no longer under the protection of my in-laws. Social protection, so to speak. Although there have been ups and down these past three years adjusting to living with a new family, I have been given a new lease of life to live life a new way, a way of freedom and away from emotional tangos. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I really hope I will be able to retain my sanity and boundary and not sour any relationships. Isn't this bad, being so pessimistic even before moving? Maybe I'm really just tired.