My heart is tremendously burdened. Seeing the way things have gone from bad to good to not so good, I pray that God will grant us wisdom to do what is right. What is love? Total acceptance? Say, I have gotta love, so I've gotta embrace my father's mistress? Would that be love? Knowing that this type of 'love' actually condones my father's behaviour? I respect my mother for being able to separate the individual from the sinful behaviour, and accept my father as a brother-in-Christ. All this by the grace of God.

Today, Ben & I picked up a book, called "Our Jealous God" by Bill Gothard.



Then I got reminded - our God is indeed a jealous God. On the cover, it is also written,"Love that Won't Let Me Go". On one hand, we may interpret it as a feel-good thing. When we sing hymns, we feel good. When we are in a church building, we feel good. When we pray, we feel good. But God is more than that. Well, if He's so concerned about us feeling good, Jesus wouldn't have died that horrible death on the cross, and christians all over the world would not have to be put to death every single day. It really pays to be a Christian - we receive "free persecution". In all my heart, I know that God cares more about our condition than our emotions.

Love is tough. Even if it puts the friendship on the line. I know that if we say we love, but it's not just a 'feel-good' session. More often than not, it takes even more courage to put ourselves on the line to tell the truth. Maybe the reason why our acquaintances will remain forever as acquaintances is because they will always sit on the fence about their opinions about us. *Sigh* Then we have those friends who tread cautiously within our 'inner circle', whatever it's called, to risk being banished as 'mindlessly insensitive people'. It's not about being holy anymore. It's called 'rare'.

Well, it's only human to err, but divine to appreciate a raw touch of love. *Ouch* There are times when we are faced with the hard truth, and what is our response towards it? I have been slapped with it many times, and I thank God I have been, for it is out of love that the slap has been delivered. With the friendship at stake. I am better now - for I was sooOOooOOOoo blind, but now I see. Praise God. Heh. ;)

This is an interesting article. Skimmed through it.

I MUST!!!

I must finish two essays by 6 today. No more inertia, no more procrastination. *HELP!!!*

Today

I woke up today thinking i had only one thing to do for today - that is, to meet the girls at 4 after picking elise up at 3. But then, after i left the house abit b4 9 today, i sent ben to work, drove my family to bedok hawker centre for breakfast, mum to church, sent clothes for laundry, sent ranz to pick up his t-shirt sample, sent mum to harbourfront, sent ranz to school and had lunch @ SIM, then went thomson plaza to get stickers!!! and did a bit of reading, went popular to get some more stickers and bahasa indonesia cookbook for the maid, then picked elise up and met mich at coffee club. fwah.

Current Read:

The Luscher Test: Current Analysis of my mood... bleah.

PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- Disappointment and the fear that there is no point to formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness and an unadmitted self-contempt. His refusal to admit this leads to his adopting a head-strong and defiant attitude.

DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- Feels the situation is hopeless. Strongly resists those things which he finds disagreeable. Tries to shield himself from anything which might irritate him or make him feel more depressed.

CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.


tRuE.

My Agenda For Today

1. Complete reading & homework for Preparation for Parenting.
2. Find the readings for EED200 assignment.
3. Read the readings for EED200 assignment.
4. Braindump assignment.
5. Try my best to get over my inertia...

I am so bored.

Wah Lau Eh! Dun play play. Found out that Freddie is quite tua-liap! :P He was actually a past president of the International Society of Gynaecologic Endoscopy. Oh. Freddie's SL & my gynae. Heh. Okie, so he isn't really Freddie, but he really looks like one! :p

Fwah. & Li Fong is a registered midwife.

Finally packed my wardrobe. It's a challenge when ur size is changing, and u dun really know if u can fit into those skimpy jeans u once wore. Well, anywayz...

Nicoll Highway collapsed. It's scary. I wonder if Benjamin Sheares bridge would ever. It's really high, and it's always a nagging thought whenever I take highways/flyovers/expressways. Sigh. My in-laws were ACTUALLY at Golden Mile Complex when the disaster occurred! They were told to evacuate the building. Scary! Thank God the building didn't collapse. I believe their car was still in the carpark. :p

Tired. Got a stye in my left eye. Baby is 23 weeks already. I feel restless. Lost abit of the momentum in packing - hope it returns soon. The room is bloody messy. The library is done. I'm exempted from the SAF visit on 18 may - but dunno if I have to go for the 1 1/2 hr talk in the morning prior to the visit. Also exempted from the visit to the Singapore Discovery Centre. Just have to certify that I'm expecting. Haha. I'm anti-establishment for once. Not really actually. Just can't give 2 hoots liao.

My bro is darn farni - with his medical check up episode. Couldn't stop laffing.

Going KL with in-laws next week - mon to thurs. Hope I survive the car-ride. Prolly averaging about 170km/h. Will miss the parenting class. :(

Wanna go to bed already. Miss my baby. :'(

Boy m i glad I'm outta school. This is sad. It's the first time I feel this way. Maybe it's the disappointment in school, my CTs (well, at least they weren't from hell), etc. Well, I received a couple of cards from the kids, and I must say a particular one really encouraged me. Enough to make me wanna continue teaching after the discouragement.

Well, now that I've been released from school, I can start on wat I've always wanted to do: OVERHAUL the room!!!Hmm... the wardrobe's pretty cleared, and a few things I've gotta do today:-

1. Re-organise my clothing
2. Re-organise the books in the library next door
3. Either filing or stationery

Oh. Ben's long service prawn bites the dust and is lying under the table covered in dust. Think I may arrange for a wake later. Or maybe not. Think it didn't like the new guppies and jumped to its death last nite.

Had a mini durian fest with Joy last nite. Poor ben. :p Still got a few left though. Eating durians is a communal event, I must say. :p

Another set of results...

PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- The tensions and stresses induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities or reserves of strength have led to considerable anxiety, and a sense of personal -- but unadmitted -- inadequacy. He seeks to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free situation., in which he will no longer have to assert himself or contend with so much pressure.

DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- Wants to make a favorable impression and be regarded as a special personality. Is therefore constantly on the watch to see whether he is succeeding in this and how others are reacting to him -- this makes him feel that he is in control. Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition. Susceptible to the esthetic or original.

CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- Feels listless, hemmed in and anxious, considers that circumstances are forcing him to restrain his desires. Wants to avoid open conflict with others and to have peace and quiet.

The Luscher Test

My results:
PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal -- but unadmitted -- inadequacy. He attempts to escape from this into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as he desires them to be.

DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- Wishes to find stimulation in a voluptuous atmosphere of sensuous luxury.

CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- Circumstance are forcing him to compromise, to restrain his demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things he wants.

Sigh... how true...

2 DAYS LEFT!!! Yay! And today got fire drill. That means 1 to 2 periods gone. Yay. No need to teach. Hopefully. Gosh. I need a break. It's no joke teaching with half the energy capacity. Also, the more I teach, the more I have to mark. So hopefully no need to teach so no need to rush marking lah.

Current workload left:
1. Mark Direct/Indirect speech worksheet (itchy backside, go set a hard paper, I also dunno how to answer. Pui.)
2. Mark another worksheet of the same topic. Also equally challenging.
3. Mark Adverbs WS. (Essential Texts)
4. Mark Changing Word Order WS. (Essential Texts)
5. Mark Celebrate English Corrections (mammoth TASK!)
6. Mark Spelling. (Should be a breeze. Mmmm. I like.)
7. Mark Math WB Corrections. (Eeeps. Scary.)
8. Mark Math WB Revision. (Should I even assign this work? Hmm.)
9. Mark Problem Sums. (Not assigned yet.)
10. Mark Mental Sums. (Easy.)
11. Mark Science WB. (*FAINTS*)

Deadline: 16th April 6:30pm. ;) God help me. Heh. (Should I burn some worksheets? *Tempting!*)

Gynae visit on the 17th @ 10am. Wonder if my babes will be around... gotta sign up for the package liao.
~~~$$$~~~

Didn't realise my body, when deprived of sleep, acts like a maniac. Had a workshop on Tuesday, "Passion & Fun @ Work" from 8.30 am to 11.30am. So I reached school around 8.10, woke up at 6.40am voluntarily. Great workshop though. Then taught in the afternoon. Went for the parenting class in the evening and reached home close to 1am. Argh. Couldn't sit still throughout the class. Ass hurt like mad. The spine also. Must go swimming more regularly to build the back muscles. I'm not terribly big, yet I'm aching all over already. It's not funny... sigh.

But thank God. I have a precious one giving me massages every night. Wow. I'm blessed. And it's those kind that detoxes the body coz the next day's output is an eyeopener! Like going for foot reflexology. And it's amazing how many bruises my body has been harbouring... those dormant ones that surface... u can tell coz the flesh isn't the same colour... it's duller.

Gosh. I have stretchmarks now. Faint ones, but scary nonetheless. I must be more diligent in applying. Have been putting it on my belly and thighs, so those areas are fine, but as for where the stretchmarks appeared, well, i believe it's due to my sleeping posture which stretched the skin. :p

Miss my bro tremendously... Seeing him slog through amidst politics really isn't easy, but seeing him accept the situation and being a man in the midst of the live firing is amazing. I'm proud of him.

Hopefully the durian fest is on tomorrow!! :D Hahha.... I'd never think I'll get excited over this... but eating durians is a community event, I say!

Ok. Gotta plan today and tomorrow's english and math lessons liao. :P

Just heard. NIE may expel a few trainees for plagiarism. Sigh.

Yesterday was a great day. We went Ikea in the morning, had a great breakfast, shopped and watched ikea's budget entertainment. A 3-person percussion group using instruments from ikea - pots and pans and bins and such. Heh. Then had ice-cream. Then picked Ben's friends up, went to Botanic Gardens. Ate Laksa *sinful!* at Cafe Le Amis. Waited for SL and Del to arrive with Josh! :) He's so cute! Walked around the park. Got bitten by mozzies and we went Marriot for dinner. Met Raslyn at Tangs - ol' poly friend. :) Still looks good. For dinner, Law had 50% staff discount. Had a great dinner there. :) SL's a great mummy. Am amazed. 8) After dinner, went Isetan shopping and Lido.

We watched The Passion. A lot of things were going through my mind as I watched it. The price that has been paid for me by the Lord Jesus Christ. He did it because He chose to. He did it because only He was worthy to. All other sacrifices to God would only be temporary, but for Jesus, He is sinless, so God sacrificed His own son to die on the cross so that we will be reunited to God. For we can only go to the Father through Jesus.

Eternal life. What is it? John 17:3 "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent." That they may know you. Most of us know God in our heads, or rather, know about, but do I bother to know God intimately? The truth is, the price has been paid. The life of Jesus was worth 30 pieces of silver to Judas, but our lives are worth the blood of Jesus Christ. I still cannot believe it. I know my life has been changed. Not by the film - but by the re-realisation of what Jesus has done for me on the cross and the fact that He conquered death for us. It's not just about peace and goodwill. In fact, I have just realised it is not how we define Christianity - a buffet for us to pick and choose what we like and what we prefer not to have? But it's how Jesus defines it for us.

The journey is hard. To bring friends and loved ones to know Christ. It's gotta do with my pride. My face. My fear of rejection. But the journey to Mount Calvary is a million times harder. Public humiliation. Numbing pain. Going against whatever the flesh screams to obey the will of God. Not mine, but Your will be done.

I cried and cried and cried. At the realisation that - knowing Jesus had ALL the power in the world to just send an earthquake/storm/plaque or whatever he wished - so that the torture could be stopped in an instant, He didn't. He held on. He never cried innocence although He was. He just went through for us. He could have commanded angels to slap all the Pharisees and Sadaucees and the crazies. For his own comfort. But he didn't. He went through the whole ordeal because He was called to, and because He chose to. That, I cannot understand. I am only beginning to see the tip of the tip of the iceberg - that God is love.

My life has changed. I know it has. Previously I have lived with constant condemnation because of sin and stronghold. But I know I have been bought with a price, and my future is secure. My past is behind me, and the evil one has no right to use it against me, because his future is sealed.

And one thing. God is tearing down compartments in my life. Secular and spiritual ain't divided. I don't know what's in store, but I'm not worried. Because I know that God is love.

I know what I want. I know what I really want.
1. Read the bible with discipline.
2. Get involved in ministry.
3. Be a good wife, mother and worker.
4. Eat well, sleep well and exercise well.
5. Be organised and disciplined.


Oh. & I thank God for all my babes. Was just telling Ben that God is amazing. A person without any female friends to being blessed with beautiful ladies who are the gems that beautify my bah-sek life. :) Heheh. Wat will I do without u gals?

Yay. Thank God it's Good Friday tomorrow. I'm left with 2 more observations - I just completed 3 of them with the same CT without any feedback!!! Argh. And he liked today's lesson. Amazing. coz I felt today was a huge screw up... hm. He's got odd taste.

Usu I look fwd to thurs nites alone - esp during the practicum... coz i've got 5 periods straight after recess, so by the time I am released from the classroom, I'm zombified. But tonite due to some hiccups, the boys didn't get to meet... coz it'd end too late. So ben's back, and he's reorganising his fish tank. Eeks.

Right now Ben & I are attending this course held every tuesday nites. It's by Growing Families International. We missed the first session coz I was sick, but boy are we glad we went for the 2nd one. Paid abit for it, but it's really really very very good. Can u imagine, the newborn asleep for 7-8 hrs straight through the nite by the 3rd week of life? And to think I almost subscribed to Demand Feeding - which is based on the Attachment Theory. Anywayz, I see some families around us totally exhausted, and it really makes child rearing very unappeal. Thus, when we sat through the 2nd session, we're like, "Wow, this is amazing." The book's good, and although the 2nd session is all philosophy and theories, both of us could really relate and comprehend what was going on. And guess what - our trainer has got 5 kids - oldest is 10 and the sixth one on the way. Mum is FT homemaker cum trainer cum homeschooler. Yup, the kids are homeschooled. And it's amazing - what they and the helpers shared. They've got satisfied, contented and well-adjusted kids.

This book, entitled Along the Infant Way, I believe is the overseas version. What we're doing is Preparation for Parenting - for kids 0-2yrs old. The title ain't appealing but the contents' amazing. Wish i could find more sites. :)

Okie, this site is better. Can't seem to find the one that I went to register for the course. Nvm, will find it somehow.

Tmw's Good Friday. It's been an uphill week for me. Just as I was congratulating myself for the lil' marking, an avalanche ambushed me. Hah. :P Well, hopefully I can be productive today. ;)

Yesterday's contact time was a pain. :P Wasted time, in the end didn't even produce lesson plans for English, Math & Science - heavy day. So English, created a test and gave it to them - on direct and indirect speech. For Math, used the previous day's lesson plan - coz the previous day, i thrashed them for their horrible corrections. For Science (I was dying coz my tummy was acting up again - at 5.30pm lunch still wasn't digested, and i took lunch at 1. Argh. So had a headache, went to the toilet to puke the remaining undigested stuff. Yuck.), read from the textbook. Surprisingly, they had good questions! :) Hmm.

Today gotta prepare for 3 periods of Maths (Ob again), 2 periods of English and next week's overview of lessons. Should be okie, then i dive into the pile of work staring at me. 3 stacks to go through. Hopefully finish everything by 12.20, then go eat lunch.

Hopefully the book which I got will be useful. Briefly read the italics to Ben last nite, coz we tokked about it, and he was very touched. Hmm... should be pre-marital counselling stuff... or 1st yr marriage enrichment, or even just enrichment stuff. Restores intimacy (Wow.), regains sanity (for the wife) and re-establishes respect for the husband (most marriages have difficulty with this.). Well, really hope for the best.

Well, well, what's going to happen tomorrow? Anyway, we bot the dvd for Passion, and we're gonna watch it. Although I anti-horror/ghoul shows, I believe that this isn't that type. I know it's brutal what Jesus went through for me, still I can't deny the fact that he did so. I just can't imagine - if there's someone dying for me right now, taking my place - would i just carry on life as usual and not want to expose myself to it? I dun think so. Yes, although i've got a lil one with me, Jesus also died for the baby. So that we might live.

Once my pastor said, everytime he thought of Jesus on the cross he would cry. I couldn't understand the impact of such an image, until one day, as I closed my eyes, I saw the journey which Jesus took, the pain and the love in His eyes and then being hung on the cross. Now each time I think of that, it's intense. Deeply intense. And although I can't fully understand why He would do such a thing for me, He did it. I know that I've strayed countless times, yet He is gracious and merciful, always welcoming me back with open arms. I dun deserve it, I know I dun. But He still loves me regardless of what I've done. He's that amazing.

Missed church yesterday. Today got observation(s). last nite din sleep well coz joy was confined to the walk-in coz she pissed all over the toilet instead of the newspaper so she was yelping and trying her best to open the sliding door. How I wished she managed to open it so we all could get some rest. I'm one of those who dun bother to make my environment better when i sleep, just try to adapt. But last nite was really trying. :(

Gotta plan my Science and English lessons today for observation. Not really motivated to do so. As long as it's not pure teacher talk I'm happy liao. Sigh. It's quite demoralising to know that however good or bad u do, you'll still get a B. Apparently there was this ex-trainee under my professor who always wore spaghetti straps and platforms, never did a proper lesson plan throughout her time here (at Tem) except once for observation but was 'enrichment' - nothing according to the MOE syllabus or textbooks and YET SHE STILL PASSED. Damn. Sigh. Also, i heard that as long as u attend my prof's class (attendance only), he allegedly said that u're guaranteed a C already. How to be motivated? He won't be able to recoganise an A if it slapped him across the face. Anyway, if he gave As, then he'd have to arrange for a mod to come in, which means EXTRA WORK. So no failures, no distinctions, his work is easy. Pui.

Have been thinking abt the x-over - if i'm offered - i'd take a semester's deferment then start in January. :) If not, I'll take watever maternity leave duration is offered then start next year. Only difference - I get paid for the 2nd choice. For the first choice - it'll be 2 1/2 yrs of NO PAY. And dunno how long (after the pay increment for the degree) will i recover the loss made during the 2 1/2 yrs of no pay. On top of the stipend and whatever hard work i may put in, a.k.a. additional income.

Went Botanic Gardens yesterday for breakfast and tea. Gosh, the beef burger there is heavenly! :) There was this darn noisy dog there, owners really bo-chup - until this ang moh guy from another table had to yell to get the dog to shut up. Booming bark. After breakfast, we went to Borders, bought lotsa periodicals, and Ben saw men trying their best to look at nearly naked women in FHM and the other 'techno' mags. :p Sigh. With women like that, the real ones are going to have a tough time. Heh. Just suddenly had a strange thought - i wouldn't be surprised if some of these GORGEOUS models in magz were actually men!!! :) Hahahhaah. :P

Bought many pregnancy magazines and the fabulous book - The Surrendered Wife. Read a copy of it from the National Library some time back and it really reduced ALOT of potential conflicts with Ben. I swear by it. Wanted to get a copy of it, that's why we went Borders. Went to the info counter, apparently they only brought in ONE copy. And I HAVE IT NOW... Hahhaah... Praise the Lord. It's a woman's secret weapon. ;)

Okie. Gotta start work. Lessons start in 2 hours time. And I have no marking. Heheh... I'm surprised also,... haven't had much marking unlike the last practicum and during contract teaching. Think I brought 1 stack back to mark once this time round. Other than that, I thank God it has been manageable - I dun think I can manage the stress of marking with my darling playing soccer in my tum tum. :) Baby was kicking all over when we were at Mothercare yesterday! :) Think bb wants the bag that daddy likes. :) I'm in heaven. :)

:)

Went to JB today with DW & SL. :) Great to know that it's not just the buddies-know-each-other-while-partners-act-as-wallflowers... hahaha. :) I think that's sick. But really had a great time today. Went to Holiday Plaza and shopped around. Had lunch @ KFC, boy that place brings back a memory (wouldn't say memories -coz i've been there like one other time only.) Recalled how a fren told me she was adopted when we had lunch there the last time.

Well, the food there sucks. Lunch threatened to bounce up from my system, and iced lemon tea tastes like prune juice.

Confession: Got lost today @ Holiay Plaza! We went off to look at some stuff, and when we went back to where the guys were, they weren't there. We were like, "Uh oh... how uh?" Then we walked up and down and up again, finally after trying to decipher what the receptionist @ the information counter was trying to say, we manage to get change from the friendly local ah-pek and make a call to ben. Sigh. They were still at the same shop, oblivious to the lost sheep that were wondering around the Plaza in distress. :P But thank God they didn't know... Hahah... saved ourselves much explaining. ;)

Ben & I realised something - SL is the missing spice to the girls' nite out!!! hahahah.... wah... if only. *hint hint*! :D Hehehe... Seeing how they cherish their boyz' nite is simply amazing... helps them to bond really well - maybe it's like army mates but without the torture etc. Just male bonding. :) Every guy needs that. It keeps them sane. ;) But what about us girls? Hmm... mentioned to my aunt that we communicate by blogging and both she and ben feel that it's pretty dysfunctional esp when we mt up and we're pretty sianz. And not that we mt v. often... Hmm... put 3 AS pple together and we get a special needs group... Hahhaha... the ADHD, autistic and the highly gifted issit? :) Dunno which is which liao... Went to some DVD shop today and saw Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle and was reminded of our M'sia french village journey where the chee-koh-pek driver tried to label us the Charlie's Angels. :p Eeks.

21 weeks and counting! :)

Yesh!

Finally! I'm back in school. Yeah. It feels good. :) Ironically, I didn't wanna go school yesterday morning, but by the end of the day, I felt really much much better. :) When I went to pick Ben up from work, he asked me how my day was. Well, it was both good and not so good. My P3s gave me the really bored look (Ben said that they had expected me to be absent again - kids have that kinda faith) when I was going through problem solving with them. So I challenged them to do their exercise and get everything perfect! (since they think they are so smart and bored with the 'standard' lesson - I couldn't be bothered to do anything jazzy with them...) So they had no choice but to take up the challenge. Heh. Immediately after my 3-period P3 lesson, I went to my P5 class. There, when I stepped out of the lift into the corridor, the kids saw me and went, "Eh, Mrs Teo, Mrs Teo!" Everyone sprang up from their seats and when they saw me at the front door, they clapped and cheered! Hah. I sneaked a smile. And Ben said, "To think u started out preferring to teach the P3s than the P5s." I think the P5s cheered coz they didn't have to have their usual teacher (my CT) with them. And the P3s have a really easygoing teacher (my other CT).

Next week's schedule:
Monday - Science observation
Tuesday - Maths observation
Wednesday - English observation (to be arranged)
Thursday - Maths observation
Friday - English observation (to be arranged)

So much for missing one week of school. It's gonna be a fun week next week.

I've just realised something. No matter how well or how badly a student performs under my sup for prac or any module, they'll get a B. Coz I dun think he has a sense of what's going on around him. He's always going on and on and on about his views - anti-this and anti-that. His PHILOSOPHIES. So it really dussen matter anymore.

I think I won't collect bets anymore. :) Not nice lah. So anyone wanna know whether it's Abby or Jon? :) My gf's got a Victoria! :D Yay! 4 weeks later than our lil' one. :) Very exciting! :D So now, we've got Josh (SL and DW), Victoria (EC) and Abby/Jon! :) Yay. Oh no. I'm entering that phase.

Have been reading about breastfeeding from "Breastfeeding Today". It's a bloody art and science combined. And to think we're intrigued by 69. Do you know there's a baby and mummy version also? You flip the baby across your shoulder as you're laid down so it looks like the baby's crawling down your chest. And the baby sucks. Oh, there's also the Mummy-On-All-Fours position. Place the baby on a cushion on the floor and then mummy gets on all fours over the baby to breastfeed. Helps the milk to flow better etc... Wow. Hope my parents-in-law dun come in during my Mamasutra positions with my lil' precious. LOL.

Okie, back to work liao. :)