One of the issues I feel strongly about

i received a letter from a mailing list today regarding toddlers throwing tantrums. One mother advocated hitting, and I felt strongly against it, so I replied. I don't normally do. Also, since it's one of my heartbeats, I thought I'd post it to just journal it.

Hi mummies!

I have a dd who's turning 24 months old. Generally she's been a lovely baby, *but* as she turned older, she started showing 'signs' of the T-twos (whatever you might wanna call it). I find that it will be a challenging yet really enriching time during this period because my little one is growing up. I believe the reason why they have tantrums and meltdowns is because they really can't communicate what they really want, even though they 'seem' they can. Also, the things they want may not really be feasible, like for instance, they might wanna put on 2 pairs of shoes at the same time.

Personally I do not resort to punishing or labelling the child naughty because all the child wants is to communicate his or her needs (and is apparently having trouble doing so!). Our responsibility is to read the signs accurately, help them communicate properly as well as draw the line between whether they are permitted to have what they request for.

Sometimes I catch my daughter deliberately doing things she isn't supposed to do. Yet, it is precisely during these moments that she needs our attention. So what we usually do is to correct the behaviour, explain that we'll soon be spending some time with her (like in the next ten minutes when we're done with our task) and then get down to spending the time with her. We also use alot of praise and try our best to catch her doing good, so she also uses the positive reinforcement to get our attention. They do need quite a bit of attention simply because they are children and can't quite go about conducting life effectively yet; also, they miss us terribly! If we consistently fail to give them the attention they need, they'll go outside when they are older to get the attention they have been craving for. By then, it might be too late.

At the end of the day, I think it takes effort to see them through this time (esp when mine has just a new baby brother which spells even more changes for her). Like any marriage, we have needs and need to communicate them effectively. If our partner were to 'punish' us in any way just because we can't communicate them effectively - e.g. hubby has been OTing and hasn't been spending time with the kids and instead of telling him nicely, we throw a tantrum expecting him to 'read' the signs - then we'll definitely meet with frustration and have a poor relationship with the other party.

Thus, when your little one is having a meltdown, take a few seconds to observe what the real problem is, such is past naptime/bedtime/lack of sleep, too much sugar, overstimulation, understimulation, wanting parental attention, ineffective communication technique, etc, and then solve the real issue. No point hitting them then get everyone upset and frustrated. It only teaches them that violence is the way to solve situations coz 'mummy hit me to get me quiet' and guess what, they will feel frustrated and use violence to hit whenver they meet with difficulty.

Just my two cents' worth. Hope you'll be able to ride out this white-water rafting waves. :)

God bless,
Audrey
mother to soon-to-be 2yo Abigail and 4.5mo Shalom