Future

Tomorrow will be ben's last day at work. Effectively, it's in 8 hrs time. And he's at Mustafa shopping for farewell gifts right now. Yup. At 2am in the morning. Poor boy, tons of work to do, lots of emotions he's gotta handle. Each kiddo in the Centre means alot to him, I dunno how tomorrow will turn out. Even now, I dunno how his gift-buying will turn out.

Thank God Mustafa is 24 hrs. If not, everyone in MPFSC & SCC will get gifts from 7-Eleven. I'm sure. Hmm. I wonder if that were the case, would the best shopper be able to create special gifts out of 7-Eleven goods? Now, that's what I call a challenge.

Was just thinking about the future. I start, or rather, re-start school in January. Also, if Ben gets through with the Master's application, by God's grace, that means we'll be shuttling to & fro NIE day AND nite. I take the day, essentially from 8am to 6pm, and he takes the nites - 7pm onwards, but not daily. Gosh. And he's thinking of getting a bike/scooter. The last time he mentioned it, we were on NIE campus. He said he was thinking of getting a scooter to get around NIE. I'm thinking, the last person who needed a scooter to get around NIE was on a skatescooter. I'm serious - there's this lecturer that skate-skoots around campus. The thing is - NIE's carpark system is pretty inflexible. Wherever u park, anywhere on NIE grounds is equally FAR from the car. Sigh. Toying with the idea of renting a place in J West. I'm toying with the idea - dun think ben has a clue yet... well, let's just see how things work out. $$'s the most impt issue. It's more time effective and saves petrol and energy - esp with abby around... if i have a 3-5 hr break like this semester's timetable, at least i can go home and let her milk me during the break. Hmm. Let's just see how. :)

Was just reflecting on my relationship with ben. It started out fairytale-like. We met when i was 13, went steady for a month before I scared the shit out of him :P, lost contact for 1 yr plus, contacted each other again, he asked if we could have another chance and I didn't agree to it coz i was blinded, he was heartbroken, met him again in Canningvale in Perth while he was with his then-gf, called me much later announcing the breakup with the suicidal babe, got together after i broke up with a suicidal fella, then that was when the 'enlightening' began. This relationship has seen sunshine and storms, and i think there had been times when either party was tempted to call it quits. However, by the grace of God, it is way much stronger today than it ever was. In fact, I think I've never loved him so much in my entire life as much as I do now. I can remember those times when my bud elise was so afraid for us... coz it was that bad. But now having moulded and gone through the furnace, we can only give glory to God for rebuilding this relationship. I remember that time when I wanted to walk away from everything six months before the wedding, and Proverbs 14:1 screamed at me. Well, it says, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Yup, i was the foolish one.

Since then, after that testing January when our worlds literally spun out of control and nearly crumbled, our relationship took on new life. It was like the Phoenix. My mum told me, "This guy really loves you so much. You've hurt him so badly. From now onwards, you must protect his heart and never hurt him like that ever again." I was so convicted and felt extremely remorseful. How could I have been so foolish? All the reasons I gave to walk away were based on our imperfections, and his imperfections, and I was very unforgiving as I kept harping on his weaknesses. I prayed. Many people prayed for me, and with me. As I prayed and asked God to allow me to love him like never before, and to see him and love him like how God does, our relationship took to new heights. The kind of adoration I thought I was capable of giving became so superficial! God really dealt with my heart. Indeed, as God says in Gen 3:16 - my desire shall be for my husband (and he will rule over me). Praise God! I think I'll be miserable in a marriage if my desire weren't for my husband.

All the negative 'beliefs' I had during the Jan episode were unfounded. Like the other day, after Ben spoke so richly into my life regarding God's will for me, I was brought back to recall a 'lie' - that I'll be trapped in this marriage - like a bird with clipped wings. I'll just be Benji's wife with no life, no aspiration and filled with bitterness that watever calling i had/have had to vanish coz i was 'settled down'. An outright lie. He said that nite - after this time of moulding (of a particular struggle within me), Ben can see that I'm going to soar to great heights as God helps me overcome my fear with Ben's support. Wow.

And having asked God to teach me to love him like never before, I can't help but adore him. But most importantly, as Jesus draws me close to Him, my relationship with Ben is enriched. It's wonderful. Like the analogy of a marriage that has Christ in it - it's a triangle with Christ at the peak and the man and wife at the bottom. As both of us work on our relationship with Christ, we also draw nearer to each other. This unity in heart and in spirit is wonderful. And I praise God that I have been given the privilege to experience such wonder. And I believe that this is only the tip of the ice-berg - the iceberg of how God intended marriage to be.

Although we still have issues to work on, I am so so blessed as I know that this relationship is work-in-progress, in God's hands. As much as we have our ups and downs, like what Ben once said, I know that he never intends to hurt me. And neither do I. Well, mushy as it may seem, it is extremely important. Once we start dissing such appreciation, marriages crumble. I've witnessed crumbling before, and at least one party is extensively damaged.

Like in our pre-marital counselling class, we were given this exercise to do. Extremely symbolic. We each took a piece of printing paper and put glue on it. Then we stuck it together. After a while, we had to separate the two pieces of paper. Both were irreversibly torn - beyond repair. That's what divorce does. And we're not even talking about children.

Even as my parents are heading for the big D now, I firmly believe that if both parties were willing to work on their relationship, God can heal ANY damages. Sadly, only one party is willing, but not the other, so God can't do anything also. There's no such thing as 'too late' or 'too blinded', but I do believe that we really have to bare our hearts through talk and love each other and affirm each other frequently and lovingly. It takes time, blood and tears. Landmines and raw nerves will be uncovered, but it'll be all for the better. :) And I believe God can give any marriage a fresh start, be it 1 yr, 10 years or even when it's 60 years already. God is a God of miracles and of wonder.