Emotion-less

It's a strange feeling - not that I do not have any emotions, but I just do not know what to feel right now. Like how sometimes we are speechless - a momentary loss of words. Now it's just feeling emotionless - a momentary loss of emotions. Oh, they do come and go... but right now all the emotions are just deciding which one should surface next.

Last nite was a struggle for me. I kept thinking about the valedictorian thingey. The feeling of being cheated by the organizers when the people who are granting me the award still aren't aware of the current situation coz the sub-dean's supposed to be still away. So I struggled and couldn't really sleep. Ben wasn't feeling well either, so that didn't help very much in my sleep attempt. Poor boy.

This morning, I woke up still pretty bothered. Had a discussion with Ben and he asked me if I spoke to anyone the night before about this. In fact, I didn't. I just had a fabulous discussion with Cat and Mich about the Open U. Real exciting stuff! I wanna do Bachelor of Science (Honours) in Mathematics with Psychology. Cat's thinking of doing this also. (She's my new colleague @ Maris) while Mich is going for the English + Psychology combination.

Then I spoke to my sis-in-law today. She did BSc Math with SIM also. Operative word - did. She's since left MOE, you know the rest of the story. She advised me against going for it coz it's really heavy stuff. Having to juggle family, work and studies. Also, when I told her that I got accepted for the BA (Education) course in NIE, she was like, "Go for it man!!!" Well, I shared with the costs of this much-coveted education, but like the rest of the NIE world, she said that everyone wants to go for it, so I shouldn't pass up on this opportunity. She also mentioned that she struggled coz she took the exemptions for the subjects she took in poly 10 years ago. She said it was a bad move coz she had already forgotten everything. So for the more advanced courses, it's really tough.

It's a sick feeling to know that something which you've worked really hard for turns out to be a bad deal. You're offered the deal, it's damn tempting to take it coz it's something you've worked hard for, yet at the same time you know logically that the deal stinks. I feel kinda cheated. Again.

Well, I dunno if it's in His plan for me to do the Open U. But I have to say that, after rejecting a Master's offer a couple of years ago due to finances, it isn't really that difficult to reject the NIE BA (Ed) offer now. In fact, the offer of admission letter came in the mail today. I was really hoping it was for Ben instead.

If I do the NIE course, I would have to study English. I've had enough of that. Gosh, especially the literature part... no way. On the other hand, if I could do the BSc, that'd mean I could do math, which I've always wanted! In fact, before I went Murdoch, I wanted to apply to Nottingham Trent Uni in UK to do Math. Seriously. So if I could do math now, I'd be in wonderland! Hehehe...

Oh, I think if I were to graduate with a good honours degree (dunno if there's still the different classes of honour coz it's by coursework now, and not dissertation), then I could teach Math in a secondary school. Thinking about that today... quite an interesting offer. Not that I prefer teaching teens as compared to children, but the thought of not having to teach many different subjects is a good feeling - I mean subjects such as Art :P, Music etc. Hmmm...

Well, I dunno what's going to happen... BA(Ed) seems like a good offer, but is it really that good? BSc (Math+Psy) is pretty ideal, but would I be overloaded? Which path should I take?

Back to the altar.

On a happier note, Ben & I spent about an hour at Dr Yap's office today waiting to see Abby. When we were in the room, Ben saw an invitation for Dr Yap to the National Day Parade by the Government of Singapore. Fwah. Tuah liap man! Also, we spoke to him about the valedictorian thingey, and he said it's better that I not go for it. After hearing that, strangely I felt better. Prior to that in the morning, I actually wanted to go NIE to speak to Prof Vilma about the matter - about how the organizers have made decisions without the Dip pgm sub-dean's knowledge. Ben was ready to accompany to NIE. Still, we wanted to hear wat Dr Yap had to say. If academically he thinks SAS' decsion's ridiculous, we'd go NIE immediately and look for Prof Vilma. But if he thought it would be for the better, then leave it. Well, praise God. After hearing what he had to say (about 2 sentences? A man of few words... :) ) we decided not to go NIE. Leave it. And there was peace. :) Praise God.

Saw ABBY!! Hehe... she's in breech position!! :} Argh. She's got about 4 weeks left to turn. TURN ABBY TURN! :D She hiccupped today during the scan. So cute. Right now her butt's at my left hip while her head's at my stomach. Limbs facing my right hip and kicking once in a while. Painful right hip. Seriously. Couldn't see her face though. :) So cute... whole body jerking while hiccupping. Doc saw the two drumsticks... heheh... her thighs. I still can't make heads or tails of the scan. And no picture for the album. Sob. Asked dr today if everything's normal. So far, so good. :) Dr Yap's really a patient man. I think Abby's going to be a surprise gift for the 2 godmas.

Oh. Tomorrow's the maternity shoot. Cool stuff man. :) I miss my bro.