Back from the Altar

The altar experience has been interesting. God is faithful, and He answers when we seek Him. After being really troubled yesterday when I found out that SIM-OUPC operates on a yearly system rather than a semestral system (Great implications!) I was really at a lost. Let me explain - if I apply for the BSc (Math+Psy), I would also apply for the scholarship ($$$). Covers about $28k for 4 years. The thing is - I'd have to finish the course in 4 years. Thought it would be no problemo - coz 4 years would mean I would have to take a total of 160 credits, i.e. 40 credits per year. All along I thought it was semestral, so 40 credits/yr would mean 20 credits/sem - which has been the NORMAL way for most tertiary institutions. So when I kept reading on their site that 40 credits is very heavy workload, I was like, well, I'll be taking 20 only per sem, so I'm safe - esp when I've gotta juggle Abby and a rather harsh working environment - parental & performance pressure in a SAP school. (Side track - they dun stream their classes, so every class is equally mixed, and equally good, coz they really give it to their boys.) And I know my limits, especially physical limits, when stressed, my stomach gives way and I am effectively rendered useless. :P

See, for the course, I die die have to finish in 4 years, and when I found out that they operate on a yearly system, that would mean my 20credits/sem x 2 sems would equate to 40credits/yr. No joke. And that would mean sacrificing time from Abby, performance at work, being a wife and other roles - basically just spreading myself thin so that I can I dun have to pay for the degree (coz via scholarship). Therefore, I thought of paying for it myself and take it easy - but that would mean 8 yrs max of studying for a BSc and then being moved to 1.1. Abby would be 8 by the time I graduate. And I would still be spreading myself thin. That's not what I really want. Although I would like to get upgraded, the price is too high.

So I was at a lost. After the interesting maternity shoot @ Kavin's with Eve & Ben, we came home and Ben just said, "Now is your turn to seek God's will for your career/education." So as I washed up, I started singing praises to God and just wanting to draw near to Him, not so much of manipulating God for an answer, but just wanting His presence and to know what He wants to tell me. [Note: There have been many times when I've twisted His holy arm to get an answer for the situation while He talks about something else... so I've learnt to hear what He has to say - pretty much because I believe that would be more important naturally. Okie, at this point in time, some are asking: How do you know He speaking to you, and how do you know what He's saying? Well, get your heart right and then soak yourself in His word. You'll be amazed. :) No big secret. Getting your heart right IMHO would mean putting down watever expectations I have of what I want Him to do/say, and just paying attention to His word. Next qn: How do you know where to read - in His word? Like sometimes we just wanna get out of the house, but dunno where to go, just get in the car and drive. Pray of course, then after a while, u realise the journey is very fruitful! Reading the word is way more fruitful than driving! God commands us to hide His word in our heart so that we will not sin against Him. Lotsa verses about His word and abiding in Him - and He will be faithful in honouring His word.]

So. After washing up, I opened up His word and started reading Ps 27. Just kept on reading... and the following verses took on special significance:

1. Ps 27:11 - He will guide me in a straight path. No strange detours.
Teach me your way, O Lord
Lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors

2. Ps 27:14 - Dun kancheong.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

3. Ps 29:11 - He gives strength & peace.
The Lord gives strength to His people
The Lord blesses His people with peace

4. Ps 32:8-10 - God will guide me and His love surrounds me because I trust Him.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you;
Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you
Many are the woes of the wicked
but the Lord's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts Him.

5. Ps 33:16 - Dun depend on my abilities, strength or qualities.
No king is saved by the size of his army
No warrior escapes by his great strength.

6. Ps 34:9-10 - Those who seek God will have abundance.
Fear the Lord, you his saints
for those who fear him lack nothing
The Lions may grow weak and hungry
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

7. Jer 33:3 - God promises to answer us if we call him.
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Update - on Thursday, I had received the NIE package for the degree programme, as noted in my previous entry. Well, on Friday I received a letter stating that MOE has granted me no-pay leave already based on the degree program, and if I were to reject that (not go accordingly) I would have to notify them in writing by 15 June.

So I went to sleep after reading the verses and showing Ben the verses I had noted.

When I woke up, the first question that hit me like a brick was: If finances was never an issue - all your needs provided for, what would you do? (By then I wasn't really thinking of wat I want, but what His plans are for me.) And I woke up and started thinking about it. It was a great relief for me! Thus, as Ben & I started a long discussion, we came to the conclusion - NIE BA was deemed out because of $$$. The pressure from SIM OUPC is out of $$$. The definite path (at this point in time) is the BA course - leave had already been granted (and the perception that this was the 'direct path' was revealed only when I received the MOE letter about the leave. Even the P of MSHS-P has been informed already.) So my decisions, we realised were definitely based on $$$. So if that is taken care of, what would I do?

Then I realised that if both ways my financial needs are all met (including the no-pay for NIE BA) I realised that SIM OUPC would still squeeze alot out from me (having to juggle the roles as mentioned) but NIE BA would really free me up to invest time in Abby coz I wouldn't even have to bother about work! Tat's for the next 2 yrs at least!

In the evening, Ben & I did quiet time together, and it was a paradigm shift for Ben, and a relevation of my heart for me. "Enough of Everything" was an entry Ben had wanted me to read a couple of days before. So he got me listening as he read it aloud to me. The verses were about giving - esp significant was 2 Cor 9:8 - "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." Then I realised - If i base meeting my needs on our income, God will grant exactly that. But if I deeply believe that God is OUR provider, He will make all grace abound to me, so that in all things at all times, having all that I need, I will abound in every good work!"

Then Ben read a sentence in the ODB aloud and slowly (really slowly), "According to God's Word, I have all the resources I need at my disposal-more than enough to meet my needs-and yet I'm reluctant to act because I fear that I won't have enough. But the Bible assures me that God has provided me with every blessing in abundance. By His grace, I have everything I need (2 Corinthians 9:8)." Then I read it aloud. "According to God's Word, I have all the resources I need at my disposal-more than enough to meet my needs-and yet I'm reluctant to act because I fear that I won't have enough. But the Bible assures me that God has provided me with every blessing in abundance. By His grace, I have everything I need (2 Corinthians 9:8)." Dunno if it hit u the same way, but this statement revealed the condition of my heart! I cried - at knowing that by His grace, I dun have to worry about not getting paid etc etc etc!

Also, the last few days have been days of blessings - we've been blessed financially out of no where, and they are huge amounts! Praise God! Even for the wedding, God met every need. He is indeed faithful. Sigh, me of little faith! The blessings we have received - the amount and the timing - is enough to cover Abby's needs (strictly hers!) until I graduate!!! No kidding! :D

As I realised that my needs are all met, and that I didn't have to go on my own strength, NIE became the path - the clouds left. And as if a topping on the dessert, God reminded me - "If you can obey the directions I have given in terms of posting you to the different schools, why can't you obey this? Don't think that it is too good to be true. You don't have to matyr yourself. I have plans for you. And I will provide for ALL your needs, as well as Ben's and Abby's. Trust me."

God is good.

Oh, check Abigail out! She is a prompt woman who is discerning and deeply committed to her husband and extremely HUMBLE!!! Fwah. Ben is deeply impressed and we pray that God will grow Abby likewise! :D

GOD IS SOOOooOOOOoOOOOoooo GOOD!