I AM SO BLESSED

Just finished reading Michelle's entry, and I really really praise the Lord for being faithful and releasing her! It's like a glorious sunrise, waiting to burst forth... taste & see that the Lord is good. Indeed He is... I am so proud of her... :) and I'm really so thankful that God has built our friendships... especially from the wedding onwards. Somehow i know that the Lord's hand is upon our friendships, coz He knows our needs.

Looking back at good friends, or even my so-called best friends, I've realised that I had been trying, really really trying to find a friend. It didn't help that I was insecure. Likewise, recently, I recalled an incident which happened to my brother when he was in primary school. He too, was looking for friends. It seemed that he spent alot of moonie & bought lotsa goodies, sweets I think, and offered them to some of his classmates on the field, hoping to join them in their game. They took his offer and ran off after that. They didn't invite him to their game, and he was so broken...

As for myself, when i was in kindergarten & primary school (up to p4), I was like the big sister of the group. Seemed like i knew what to do, etc, and i was one of the most dominant ones. Close friends were Karen & Clara (twins), Petrina Ee (head prefect later on), Patricia, Esther, and a few other girls. When i went to CLGC in P5, I lost contact with everyone, but made new friends. Oh, i made some enemies too... coz i the pao-toh kia... Aileen was my best pal, which Ki'ern used to call (our friendship) The Never Ending Story . Always had issues and frustrations. Imagine,... I hated competitions (coz i was lousy and always lost) while she was the overachiever... sports, academics (she was the walking dictionary) and also a prefect in secondary school. After when we went separate ways in JC, our friendship fizzled out. I remember her as someone really critical of me (which i couldn't stand)... but somehow it seemed like she felt inferior (in her own way), perhaps it was due to physical appearance... ever since then, no one was termed as 'best friend'. To me, 'best friends' are like from young, and everyone already has one. So I'm the odd one out... yup, u have close friends, etc, but not best friend, coz 1 can't be best friends to 2 persons. (Doesn't this sound like a BGR?)

Went poly, had good friends, and by then I had a string of boyfriends, by then too busy to have a 'best friend'. Got to know Ravini in my final year, she was such a sweetie, but I felt like the dominant party once again. She also had a wide range of friends... although we still do keep in contact (she's in UK), she's already soared far away.

From then on, i had short term close girl-friends, such as Carolyn & June from Miss Singapore; Julia, Queenie, Yvonne from Perth; Mishal from FCBC; Jamie from NIE. However, the friendships fizzled out, due to proximity & misunderstandings/lack of understanding. Somehow there was always a gap. You know they'll be good friends, but they still have their life which you have no idea about. Something like that...

Then, in PCS, I met Elise. The friendship has bloomed, and I think she is one of the rare few who accepts me for who I am. She is one power babe. And I cannot overemphasise how thankful I am. I am also extremely grateful for Mich's friendship. She is also one strong babe whom I admire. I know I sound mushy, but that's who i am... and finally i'm able to express these emotions. I really do hope our friendships will not fizzle out... they're special. I've learnt that it takes real effort to maintain friendships, and open communication too. I'm learning to accept myself for who i am, and i must say that they have given me that confidence to do so. It takes guts to have friends, I've learnt. I am very afraid of competitive friendships. I will run. And manipulative friendships too... I hope that we'll be able to see each other through the seasons of life, and with the confidence of unconditional acceptance plus the hand of God upon our friendships (minus the bitching- have had enough of that).

The very essence why i think Ben & my relationship has lasted so long is due to the lack of competition and his unconditional acceptance of me. He's seen me since day one - the geeky skinny spider - yet he has faithfully waited when i had my constant change of guy friends. =P Even when i receive my results, instead of feeling inadequate (for whatever reason), he celebrates for me, and with me, genuinely. I praise the Lord for him. :) Ben has taught me alot.


Thanks. Once again. I am very blessed.