Reflection: My Past and My Emotions

Still in thinking mode - amazed by what God has done in my life. I used to be in quite a bad state. Recently, I was just sharing with ben about emotions - how humans are actually creatures of emotion (phrase not mine) - logic follows emotions - not the other way around as we often prefer to think. Yet emotions are only natural - they are not right or wrong - it's wat we do with our emotions that have consequences. And about consequences - we won't know the full extent of possible consequences of our (sometimes foolish) choices until we're made our choices and experience the full effect of it (and then regret because we feel terrible).

Looking back at my past, I wondered how I could have just 'fallen in love' so easily. Actually, what's falling in love? Is it that rush of emotions, that sense of happiness, excitment, constant thoughts of a 'significant other'? Actually, it's all quite human, and quite natural. Take for instance, kids. When they make new friends, friends who actually like them, they'll look forward to meeting them again and again, and will keep thinking about them. Only when we reach puberty then we start to complicate matters with definitions. Such feelings are termed as 'crushes', 'falling in love', etc. Then after the feelings fade, we think, "Hey, actually I don't really fancy this person after all." Then the relationship ends.

If only we did not put so much emphasis on our emotions. If only we could take it in stride, accept these rushing emotions as they come (and will definitely subside), and still preserve the friendship. Surely it's because the other person makes us feel good, that's why we feel so positively (and intensely) about that person in return.

What got me started thinking about all these is - if the other person is a guy, does that mean that I'm a flirt? If the other person is a girl, does it mean that I'm a homosexual? If I were just an innocent kid, all these emotions would not have any connotations right? In other words, I've come to accept that these emotions are just part and parcel of life - that it happens in any age. It doesn't mean it's love at first sight, or just falling in love.

Because all this talk, actions and reactions based on emotions cheapen love. I've come to learn that in a marriage, these emotions we feel (when we're in love) are really the icing on the cake. It doesn't mean that if the icing seems to be fading (and then resume again at times), the cake isn't there either. Commitment and hard work in the marriage is really important. We've learnt that there are rules to abide by in the marriage so that both will be protected (together) in the marriage.

I used to hate men alot. I couldn't trust them, and with my background, it's really a miracle I got married. What Ben said that got me to *start* believing in him was, "Always remember that I will never do anything to hurt you deliberately." Even though at times I felt like he was (and vice versa), what he said stabilised me despite my raging feelings. I didn't feel that I needed to be defensive and protective over myself because I took the risk to believe him. I had many reasons *not* to, yet because of his words (which he often reminded me), I've come to realise that he truly loves me.

And after a traumatising experience that almost made me tear this relationship apart, my mother told me, "You've hurt Ben enough. From now onwards, you will have to protect his heart and never ever hurt him like that ever again." That responsibility (that I realised was entrusted to me) was one that I resolved to undertake and commit myself to.

Although emotions will wax and wane, and other relationships (be it male or female) may seem more attractive and seem to provide more comfort, it is really a commitment to work on the marriage and keep it the most awesome relationship next to God's. As I keep on praying and asking God to teach me to love (and bless) Ben more, I find myself deeper and deeper in a wonderful relationship. It didn't start out like that. In fact, it was *very* emotional when we first started out, much like a fiery furnace. Now, it's becoming a steady glow. Although we do have our disagreements at times, we have established our rules to abide by. For instance, when we have conflicts, one of my requests to him is that he has to hold me (my hand at least). My love language is physical touch, and if he withholds that from me, it hurts extra. Likewise, when we have conflicts, I have to keep my voice controlled and low and not sound like I'm scolding him. That would be utterly disrespectful and I personally think that since he has no hearing problems, I don't really have to raise my voice to get my point across.

Yet, I've found that the most effective method especially in times of conflict is to ask God to speak to each other on the other person's behalf. Especially when either of us are emotionally charged, we won't be able to speak coherently (although we 'think' we are). We always think that we're right, until we reflect and then realise what crappy behaviour we've exposed our loved ones to. And to think we dare say that they are our loved ones when even acquaintances - people who don't mean much to us - get to see the nicer side of us.

Today, we went to our church's Parents' Day lunch. It was quite a bad start coz there were communication problems (over the phone). Absolutely trivial, yet most definitely irritating. It was *great* opportunity to spoil the whole lunch (such trivialities have 'destroyed' events before). I wanted Ben to do me a favour, yet he was telling me to do otherwise. I was quite upset; so was he. Yet finally when we met (he came from home, I arrived from church), both of us just let the issue melt and just held each other. I could see that he wasn't really listening and I could understand why. His parents were at our church function. It's significant. So both of us just let the matter slide and didn't even talk about it. (If it was in the past, we'd have scratched each other's eyeballs out and made EVERYONE at the table totally uncomfortable staring at two eyeball-less fuming creatures. We dun give face one.) So, it's definitely God's love. And it's awesome.

With what I've done, I don't deserve such a relationship. Yet by His grace, He has blessed me beyond what I can even ask or imagine.