My firstborn

Abby finally visited godma Elise today! :) We had an enjoyable time there. I was pleasantly surprised. So surprised that I realised I've been proclaiming negative expectations of Abby, like I owe it to the world to warn them that she'll misbehave anytime. That sucked. Thank God Elise was there to make sure I didn't smother Abby with my negative expectations. Abby actually played with Elise's mum, granny and aunt while Elise and I had dinner! Only when I appeared then the tears started rolling. For a short while anyway.

I've been so pressured by the 'competition' at home that I think I've been abit off balanced. I started out ambitious etc, using 'tried and tested methods', but in the process, I lost out in connecting with my girl. So strange. I see her so attached to her granny and I don't feel good about it. I've got three months holiday but I can't take care of my girl or else her granny will be 'lost'. Dussen help that abby's way more expressive now and literally throws herself at her granny. All these thoughts have been running amok in my head for the longest time. Then I realised what a mother I've become.

"See? Mummy scold you, dun worry, mama won't scold you." Those words, although unintentional and mindless, stabbed. Yet they allowed me to reflect on the type of parent I have become. Strict disciplinarian. Worse thing - allowing Abby to CIO has backfired - simply because she thinks I'm an unconcerned parent. In her eyes, I'm really quite distant. I don't feed her (mainly granny and helper), bathe her (granny), but I play with her. Yet, because she's not attached to me (coz I dun provide comfort), she'll throw herself at her granny the moment she appears at the door. She'll keep looking at the door and wait for the granny to appear. Once, I was trying to get her to sleep. It was past midnight coz she woke up and was struggling. Granny came in. She threw herself on her (which made her granny fall backwards and lie down on the bed) and then stared at me while lying on her bosom. Total silence. I could hear my own heart shatter into a million pieces. I walked away because I couldn't bear the scene. I cried silently in the bathroom.

Then Ben helped me realise that because I always walk away when granny appears, abby has learnt that pattern.

I must learn to be assertive yet not hurt the grandmother-granddaughter relationship. Something is really wrong with me. Abby can call 'Ah ma' (which she does whenever her granny appears and looks straight in the eye and calls out), mama (calling for granny also), 'Jie jie' (for Lina), 'Baba' and 'Deh-dee' for Ben. For me? 'EH'.

Ben hopes that through the timetable which we've worked out, things will change for the better. I'll finally get a chance to feed my own daughter and not fear that someone may take over suddenly. Each night, I can only pray that God will teach me to be a better mother and be a blessing to my very own daughter.

Sometimes I wonder if I really gave birth to her. Yet, as I speak these thoughts aloud to her, I unknowingly hurt her. Ben tells me to stop pushing Abigail away. Am I?

I'm really confused, yet I know things will improve, because I'm committed to making things improve. My emotions are running wild, yet I have hope.

After today, I realise things aren't that bad after all. I just hope Abby will give me another chance to work on our relationship.