No Dinner

Wat a bummer. Supposed to haf dinner with ben's sisters and spouses but AT THE LAST MINUTE during my fieldwork session at Singapore River, my stomach decided to act up and kill me. When that happens, all life ceases. I'll just be about to throw up and my head would continually threaten to explode. Think it was thinking about my very own fieldwork that's going to take place this thursday WITH NO BOOKLET READY that hit me in the stomach. *stress*

So Ben had to cancel the dinner (the girls and their boys went on their own) and shipped me back home. Had HOT HOT porridge and struggled to finish my Street of the Small Night Market presentation of Question-2-that-no-one-wanted-to-do-because-it-asked-for-the-ideological-basis-of-the-book and ALSO the BOOKLET. Sent it to the gang at 12.24am this morning. I almost doubled over.

Called Rosa this morning to inform her of the changes in the booklet. Did most on hers coz auntie very texty lah. The rest got many many space. Msged suresh to ask if he needed to insert any changes. He congratulated me on the booklet well done. Well, a huge portion was done by Ben. I just took over after I felt like I wasn't going to implode anymore.

Lately I've been having SO SO SO much trouble getting my engine started. The feeling sucks. It's alredi week FIVE and I still feel blardi sluggish. Deadlines are going to come and go and I still would feel a thing. Yet I'm panicking inside. I'm wondering, how on earth did I manage?

Had a fantastic discussion with Ben (well, many discussions...) and he helped me see that currently I have only two points regarding NIE in my head. One: God wants me in here. Two: I'm in here for the money that I'll be getting when I graduate.

Tha'ts why I've been struggling so badly. If it's money-motivated, then it's greed. He's also recently learnt this lesson - he realised that going into business was out of greed because of the share in the company. But lately, because payment due in NOVEMBER has been delayed till now, we have realised that these people are really not reliable. It's just a couple of hundred dollars stuck there, and it's already taking SO LONG. Can you imagine if it were figures we imagined we'd get when he first started the company? Pray that God will open new doors for him. He's given 5 whole months to this company. And it's time to move on. It's been a faith move because he's got a wife on no pay leave and a baby to feed. Though we stay with his parents, it's totally unfair and ridiculous to depend on them to feed us. We really really need to stand up on our own and not depend on them to provide, but on God. It's really NOT easy.

Well, back to the subject of school. Ben's been enjoying his Master's course. He has realised more about himself and in the process, he's became a more confident person. :) Our marriage also has gone through a breakthrough. Because of the confidence, we're able to deal with issues we've been avoiding for the fear of being too hurt beyond repair. Praise God for this breakthrough!

Church was pretty awesome last sunday. Had a sermon on Breakthrough in Marriage. Lately have been listening to a couple of cassette tapes regarding marriage as well. Went for altar call and auntie Ayelan prayed for us. I was real upset within because of so so many struggles... and after Ps Mark also prayed, Auntie ayelan asked ben if we've been talking. I hesitated so much and gathered my guts and said not really. I knew that it would shock him. It would shock anyone else also, if they knew how much we communicated. We talk alot. ALOT. Yet within me there was a lot of pent up frustration which I wasn't capable of verbalising. It's not his fault whatsoever. Just that I really needed to be heard. So on Monday night, we sat down and talked about what happened, how shocked he was (and also quite hurt - which I totally understood) and then I clarified myself. Later he let me ramble incoherently. About school. About home. About my group. About abby. About everything else under the sun. In about half hour (i think), my verbal diarrhoea was over. God bless a man who knows just when to listen and not give solutions. He's utterly gorgeous. :D I'm blessed.

Just a note- we have our fair share of communication, and it isn't me who's doing all the talking. :) I get to listen to his heartbeat and his passion and I'm really privileged because he doesn't share it with others. Just that lately I haven't been able to share like how he has, and I just felt stifled. I don't think I was very coherent, but he understood what I wanted to say. :)

So after the altar call, Serene came over and hugged me real tightly and just spoke words of encouragement and of life into me. She said, "Audrey, you're doing good." And kept repeating that. I felt so assured. She said that we've been an encouragement to our peers, the young adults around us. They see us struggle and still keep the faith and want to serve, so they're real encouraged. I never knew all this was happening. She really really spoke words of life. She also said that i had to go through was I'm going through so that I would be able to minister to others in time to come. Praise God for her. She's God-sent. :)