Ventilation

(This is my personal space - as u read this entry, I have no malice for anyone. Neither is my opinion permanent. I just need to ventilate.)

"You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine,
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

I also feel bad for her - so it's a struggle within me. So much to ventilate, dunno where to start. My MIL does stare when i boobfeed but more so, so that I'll finish with the feed and she can take over the bb whenever possible. Haha, one of my friends commented that when she comes in, she'll check on us - ask one or two sentences - then zoom for the baby, even when my family's around. Ben did mention i'm pretty tough on her, and I'm seriously trying to control myself. (But he does see things from my point of view, so that helps alot.) Sigh. For the last few months before birth, I kept dreaming that Abby would be 'taken away' from me. True, I dowan to stop her from loving Abby, but it gets to me when she 'dominates'.

First day of Abby's arrival, she came to the hospital and carried her for a long time - even though my family was there and all, she just had the bb in her arms, until both her daughters had to tell her to put the baby down. Once at 2plus, another at 7plus. As my hubby and i were really tired, we wanted to sleep, so she said that she'll watch over the baby AS WE RESTED!!! Hullo! From 2plus to 7 until we were expecting visitors. I know she's excited, but really I felt hijacked. My mum didn't even get to carry her FIRST grandchild! So I said to bring the baby back to the nursery (I told my sis-in-law who told her mum) and she was like, "Why??? I can take care of her here what?!?" Then SIL said Abby's mummy said so. (I am almost a yes(wo)man with my MIL coz somehow she terrifies me.) Until we told her that Mt E is in the middle of Orchard Rd (she's a shopaholic), that she kinda relented. She even asked us why we didn't inform her once the baby was born at midnite so she could come down straightaway!!! Argh. Maybe her overenthusiasm scares me and I feel really helpless. I've been crying everyday and almost not looking at her in the eye. Still she hovers around when I breastfeed and telling me to go eat and breastfeed later (???) so that she can carry the baby. I hadn't even finish feeding yet. *PRESSURE*

Okie. I'm being extremely nasty again. It's just that either I see her, or I hear her voice either aloud or in my head. And post-natal blues becoz of this?!?!? I thought post-natal blues was usually caused by a feeling of being overwhelmed by the baby. Instead, the baby is the refuge!

Mum and bro just came over just now to visit me and I burst out in tears. So mum suggested going for a car ride and I was petrified that my MIL wouldn't allow it! It almost felt like being in jail! I'd gone on MC since 5wks ago and have been staying the room eversince. That's not that bad until the baby arrived and MIL has been around ever since.

My mum really persisted me in getting me out of the house and my MIL said she was afraid my legs would hurt if I walked too much so she din want me to go around. She claims that her knees hurt now coz she had to open the door for visitors during the confinement after her last child and her knees still hurt until now. So whatever I do now, instinctively I kinda like 'have to' ask my MIL. Even when my mum offered me a sweet in the car, I was so unsure if i could take it - almost like a lil' kid, "Cannot must ask MIL for permission first!" Until my mum said she said I could take that. My MIL monitors EVERYTHING. Even just now when we were about to have lunch, I was pretty troubled, so my hubby said grace and gave thanks for the food plus a lengthy prayer. Thereafter, my MIL agitatedly commented, "Wah, why u must pray so long? Last time see u all downstairs close eyes awhile only then can eat already. Why must pray so long now? I pray (pai sin) also not so troublesome and lengthy like u all, christian so troublesome..." *blur*

Although she's nice, everything is under constant scrutiny and it's tiring to have to justify and explain anything or everything that dussen go her way. It's really a culture shock to me, coz my own mum is really modern - she's ten yrs younger than my MIL. I really am at a lost as how to be nice to her in spite of all my fears. I really need advice here. She's like Empress Dowager to me. She say 1 I cannot say 2. It's really a struggle for me.

At the end, all this is WITHIN me. I haven't beeped at her at all. No. It's the docile, servile DIL. And it's because of Ben that I'm doing this. If not I wouldn't at all. Thanks but no thanks.