Learning from the Children

As I watch the children growing up, I am learning, re-learning and realising things about myself and the people around me.

I see the quiet confidence in Abby, and I realise that I was made like that as well. The insistence, reactions to things around her, all remind me of my childhood. What truly amazes me about her is that once she has chosen something, she usually will stick to it. I on the other hand, have been trained NOT to trust my preferences and instincts. Instead, I have been 'trained' to do what I am told to do, or else...

The breaking of my will has led to rather undesirable consequences. For one, it took me a really long time to find my confidence again, to live by my decisions rather than regret it - as always, I would regret my decisions as I often made them based on what the 'majority' wants. Terribly indecisive, because being 'nice' was the right thing to do. Offending people was frowned upon, like how I was brought up, so I had to avoid nasty confrontations, like plates of rice flying into my face if I dared defy parental authority.

Quietly, I respect Abby's stubbornness and determination. Although she must learn to be obedient, yet at the same time, I must not allow her to go unheard. As a result of suppression and going with the flow, I lost myself and didn't know myself anymore. I just went along and did not know what I wanted. As a result, I lost precious time and respect from others and myself, for myself.

Through Abigail, I have once again rediscovered myself. To let my yes be yes, and my no be no. In the past, I would do things simply because it was the right thing to do especially when the world was doing it. Like going into Mass Comm. Just because it was difficult to get in, I had to get in. Stupid. After getting in, I almost drowned because that just wasn't me. I should have gone into engineering. Or try my best to get into a JC or something.

Or getting to my secondary school. I went there coz everyone else went there, even those who had better scores than me. So I assumed it wasn't too bad a school. I was never guided to get to a good school. My parents were too busy. I remembered a phonecall from my mum asking me to speak to some older girl who was supposed to help me choose a secondary school. Yah right. I couldn't remember the conversation, but just that my mum's effort in guiding me was to shove the phone to some unsuspecting girl who had no idea what she was supposed to say.

I recognise the Abigail's resistence within me. I hear that almost inaudible voice, muffled whenever I don't like something, yet I am not supposed to voice my displeasure. Because I would face the "or else".

Conditioning.

It is rearing its ugly head in the marriage. As I keep silent on some matters, I am not truly silent. Ben is helping me create an 'equal partnership', but because the man is supposedly to 'lead' the family, I end up quiet. He is trying to get me to speak. And I am learning how to.

Today, a colleague asked me if I was taking my Masters. A lot of people in the staff room are taking their Masters. Under previous circumstances, I would probably have followed suit soon. Besides the fact that we have been undergoing through numerous life changes which are highly stressful, I would probably have started toying with the idea of doing my Masters.

Except that - it is not part of my life-goal to do Masters. I know I am not going to do it. I have studied for so long - more than 20 years in education and I see no point in doing it anymore. I want to homeschool the kids, and I don't need a Masters to do so. Unless one day, I find an area I am so passionate about that I want to do my Masters in it. Until then, I am glad I am not pressured into doing it.

So I told my colleague that I wasn't going to do it, plus my reasons. She said that she was considering. However, until now, she can barely cope with the workload. I see myself there. I see myself not coping and yet wanting to pile on more. But I forget that the pressure will mount. Limited capacity to deal with unlimited workload. Somehow, something will give. What will it be? My marriage? My health? My family? My life?

With Abby's strong personality, I am encouraged. Because I know I was once like that. That is my 'nature'. Although my 'nurture' has made me into who I am today, I know I am not as spineless as I think I am. Especially when it comes to dealing with older women.

I had a conversation with Ben yesterday. He said that he was concerned about my treatment of Abby's resistence. I tend to take the authoritarian approach instead of the authoritative way - the former a controlling adult vs the latter, a controlled adult. I recognise it myself too, as it was often the way I was treated when I displayed such stubbornness when I was young. However, there is a difference. I was too often left emotionally abandoned after the 'treatment'. No explanations or reassurances were given. In fact, I had to seek forgiveness and made to feel bad about myself. On the other hand, Abby is given instructions, explanations and reassurances. If that had been done for me, I would turn out a very different person.

Abigail is highly talented. Although initially she was rather unsure about herself and needed a lot of assurance, lately she has developed a quiet confidence. Although it would drive us nuts because as efficiency would be compromised, after when we explained the situation to her, she would understand and relent or compromise.

I really pray that I would not exasperate the children but provide a firm yet assuring presence in their lives. I pray I would never stifle their true selves, yet at the same time, be able to help them become disciplined individuals who care for the people around them.