In loving memory of Ong Bee Ling

We'll miss you, Ling...

The funeral will be held on Monday, at Kampong Arang. Please keep praying for Wei-En and family.

Closure

Her body's been found. After 4 days. At least we know what has happened. In a way. Please pray for my aunt's family who's stuck in sweden coz there aren't any train tickets to the airport to take a flight back for the funeral. Thanks.

Also, please contribute any useful items - clothes, sandals, shoes, disposable syringes, milk bottles, milk powder, surgical masks, medicine, antiseptic lotion/wash, biscuits, blankets, water purification tablets etc to the agencies who are publicising their efforts now. Oh. Best to donate money.

Christmas Tragedy

My deepest condolences go out to the families and friends who have been affected by the recent earthquake that struck off the coast of Sumatra triggering tsunami waves that terrorises Sri Lanka, India, Maldives, Myanmar, Bangladesh, Indonesia, Thailand and Malaysia.

Some friends saw on yesterday's news that a 3yo boy, Tan Wei En, was rescued by a tour guide. His father is also safe. Wei En's mother, 42yo Ong Bee Ling, whom we affectionately call Ah-Leng, is still missing.



Her parents have just flown over to Thailand to wait for the latest news. Let's just pray that it's just due to the chaos that the family has just been temporarily separated. This family's my third aunt's (the one who went to Sweden recently) in-laws.

Please pray for the family. Thanks.

Also, please donate to:
Doctors Without Borders
Mercy Corps
Red Cross Society
Mercy Relief
to help the victims & survivors.

It's Christmas!

This year's Christmas has been different. Last year, when I was pregnant with Abby, I thought how it'd be like with her this Christmas. Well, I've experienced it, and it's been the most delightful! :D Although she's totally terrified of my grandma (still), she's a total cutie. :D

This morning she was making sucking sounds... not the normal kind, but the breastfeeding sucking kind. It's kinda different, like you're sucking your tongue. So I asked her if she'd teach other babies how to suckle so that they'll be round round cute cute like her! And she laughed! This carried on for quite a while and she taught her pet teddy/dog how to do it!! Heh! Okie, it takes a bit of imagination, but there really was a decent conversation going on! :D Later she woke her dad up intentionally coz we had to get ready for cell luncheon celebration. It was a great Christmas morning! :D

Well, as for last nite, it was a strange nite. We were at my dad's side for celebration and bro, ben and I felt that one of my uncles had changed for the better... until i heard this evening that he actually announced to the crowd that everyone could only take a packet drink and have it labeled WITH THEIR NAMES so that there won't be 'numerous' half-consumed packet drinks lying all over the place, like last year's party. Well... He's *still* stingy. :P BTW, his annual income is about 100 beginning teachers' salary... not much hor? :P And when it was gift exchange time, his wife opened up a package (we're still speculating who bought her the bag - him or his in-laws). It was in a black paper bag. Within the black paper bag contained a soft black bag... u know those types that sell for $8 on Y! Auctions? Heh. ;) Yah, that soft black bag that's worth at least $8 that holds a cream and beige leather bag rumoured to be about $6k apparently. (What kinda cows do they use man?!?) From G U C C I. Of course. :P


"Wah... very ah mah hor?" comments his wife when she opens the package.

Should have just given her the $8 bag. At least it bears the brand and doesn't look ah mah.

Note: I've checked. It's US$625. Don't ask what we gave them this Christmas. Heh. :P

A Realisation and A Confession

Yesterday's blog has been posted after much hesitation. I'm glad I hesitated. Because I did, Ben and I came to a realisation regarding the person I had some issues with.

Well. Yesterday Ben and this person had a discussion. A loong discussion. From about 1pm to dinner time. After dinner, I asked Ben - do you find yourself repeating the same things over and over to her again? After some clarification of my question, he said No. That today's topics/issues were totally different and he went on to elaborate what they spoke about. In conclusion, he said his energy bar went up after talking to this person. Wow. The last time I remember, after talking to this person (one session after about a year of no in-depth conversation), I was TOTALLY DRAINED. SQUEEZED DRY. Exhausted like many others before me. The temptation to condemn had been so great because nothing had changed. Nothing was done.

But when Ben elaborated on their conversation, something struck me. During the last session, Ben said that whatever I had said just flew over his head. He didn't understand most of what I had said to this person. I assumed this person understood. Then I realised. The big realisation. I HAD BEEN SPEAKING GREEK.

Seriously. Ben has this uncanny ability to talk to children and youth. He is able to relate to them at such a level that it's just purely amazing. I've never seen anyone connect with them at a level like he does. And because they connected yesterday, he was recharged. I was drained because all the passion and heart I put into speaking to this person went unheard. Not because this person didn't want to hear. Just because I was speaking a different language from this person. Ben thought I had given up hope on this person. I haven't. Never. My desire for this person is to grow up into a well-adjusted adult amidst the difficult and confusing circumstances that this person has been placed in. But because I've been so exhausted - totally dry - I sounded like I had totally given up hope and had conveniently condemned this person, like how many others had.

So I explained to Ben what I realised, and he saw it as well. It can be really exhausting when after numerous hours of heart-to-heart talk, no change is made. And on the receipient's end, I haven't contributed much... or helped much. Simply because communication is so distorted!! The heart's desire is there, but communication has to be worked on. After explaining, Ben understood the exhaustion that comes from being disconnected. So many years already, now then the realisation sets in. But thank God it's still early, for there's a long way more to go. Now we tango. I continue speaking my Greek while Ben will explain what I'm saying to this person. For I supposedly provide Ben with the main points to expand on. Wow. :)


Okie. Confession time. Today's the day. I'm a die hard Stephen Chow fan. Even though I hardly laugh at his jokes, I really appreciate his humour. Takes the stress of my life. :P It's KUNG FU HUSTLE TIME!! :D

More random thoughts...

The newspapers don't really bear good news. Cyclist gets pinned under wheel of bus. Maid throws 5 month old baby down and jumps to her death after being reprimanded by Grandfather. When Ben goes out for his midnight cycling, I can't help but worry. Until he returns home safe and sound. I'd jolt out of bed suddenly to make sure that he's back in bed before I fall back to sleep again.

Approaching 2005 with a heavy heart, yet gearing to go. School is starting. I've always liked school. I'm one of those crazy ones who'd buy tons of assessment books and do before the school term starts. Well. I still enjoy it actually. Now school's slightly different. Just churned out my almost personalised timetable FOR THE THIRD TIME. THE PEOPLE AT NIE HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN KEEP UPDATING THE BLARDY TIMETABLE!

I'm not sure how I'm going to juggle 2005 and beyond. I'm not sure how Ben's gonna juggle either. Work. Studies. Relationships. Ministry. It's all coming at once. Wow. Can you feel the wind yet?

Ben and I had a serious conversation regarding a person we've been helping for a couple of years. I think I'm just quite tired saying the same things over and over again. Also very wary of the person being dependent on us. But more so, I think all this talk, if they were supposedly so effective, this person would've moved on. The fact of the matter is - one year later, things are still the same. So many people are already helping this person. We're all doing the same thing. We all want to help this person. Yet, running in circles is really very tiring. I'm tired. I've had so many 'cold wars' with this person I've stopped counting. Things are not healthy. They are not right. Within me I just want to be totally honest. Yet I know when I am 'honest', I am deemed as harsh and not caring. Then the person will go elsewhere looking for comfort and tlc. Well. I cannot provide that kind of motherly/sisterly love that the person is looking for. I am not this person's SAVIOUR. And I never will be. Because of the background, many have attempted to save this person. Yet, we can take one out of Egypt, but we can't take the Egypt out of one. I don't wish to condemn, for I have once been condemned. I just wish this person well, and I can no longer help this person. For I am totally exhausted. I am zapped.

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

~ Life has been so busy!!! Abby's been having diarrhoea and the gas from undigested milk that's stuck in her digestive tract apparently is causing quite a bit of problems. Pray that she gets better.

~ Now (still) revamping Ben's old room! :D It's become a 'sort-of' office, when things settle, I'll post some pictures up!

~ I've sold TWO items on Yahoo Auctions! Will be taking more photos of items and posting them up and getting my allowance from here as I clear the things I no longer need! :)

~ Christmas @ Orchard parade is on this Sunday! :D Oh, that's tomorrow! This year, celebrations along Orchard will be hosted by the churches in Singapore. Pray that the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ be reached in the hearts of the people! :)

~ NIE registration's taking place this Monday.

~ Thinking about how to continue breastfeeding when I go back to school. NIE is NOT pro-breastfeeding definitely.

~ Still thinking about how to clear my junk...

~ Shopping online is exciting! Especially when I find items that are pre-owned in a fantastic condition at a steal!

~ How ON EARTH DID I STUDY during my Dip Ed years? Gosh, the amount of notes I have is amazing... And some have gone missing! >(

~ Need to go continue packing. It's been draggin too long.

~ Spent Thursday re-hauling Eve's room so that Vic will finally be able to snooze with her! :D She really threw away ALOT OF things! :O FOUR BAGS of rubbish from 1 bedroom! Wow. She's inspiring - I'm going back to throw away more stuff...

FACTS

Just visited this site, an online petition site against casino idea in Singapore. Well. What can I say? My family has been torn apart by gambling. Not just the usual tale. My dad has been blacklisted by most of the casinos in the world apparently. It's just that bad. Well. Broken family. Bankruptcy. Fatherless children. And the government wants to go ahead because of the 'gaming duties' they can collect. Newspapers report that they already collect $1.3billion in revenue from other resources - 4D, toto etc. Well. If Singaporeans are throwing their money elsewhere, why not collect it? But don't they realise that more people will throw their money away? We're talking about - retirees with their retirement fund, college students with their university fund, young working adults with fresh salaries, mothers with their allowances... and not including working businessmen who claim that they go casinos for BUSINESS PURPOSES. Yah. Right.

Just a fact. When my dad was gambling for business purposes at home, they used to open up 2 mahjong tables. His regular kakis was Mr Lim, his wife, his mistress, (sometimes both), and some other friends. And my parents *cannot* lose to Mr Lim. Or else he'd fret and throw tantrums. Yup. A 30plus man throwing tantrum. Someone the size of Moses Lim throwing tantrums. So each night my parents would lose at least a thousand dollars, and if they are brave enough, they'd win abit. BUT. Mr Lim would then decide NOT to buy insurance from my dad. Multiply a thousand a night by at least 3-4 times weekly, by 52 weeks a year, and that's quite a lot of money gone. And not forgetting the $2 million debt.

Sigh. It's all about him again. Dowan to bitch about him anymore. What's done is done. Just don't want to see another family ruined because of gambling. That's all.

Sick

Have been getting chills. Feel sick. No time to blog. Rehauling study room. Shiok. Incoherent. Melissa's (brudder's gf) birthday just passed. Missed Presiding Officer's training today at MOE. Too sick to go. Missed wedding dinner. Still too sick to go. Blogging in a half-way set up study with stuff all over the place. Check out my Yahoo! Auctions k? Contribute to the HAFA Fund! (Help Audrey Feed Abigail Fund!) Heh. :)

A very touching story

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, "You are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, "Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls." Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.

I moved Dew's hands aside and said," You go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company." Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, "suppose we divorce, what will you do?" She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that 'divorce' was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, "He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together." I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. "I've got something to tell you," I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want to divorce." I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?". "I'm serious." I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"

At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, "He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?" This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, "I remember". "You carried me in your arms", she continued, "so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning."

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce," she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other like strangers. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "Daddy is holding mummy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, "Let us start from today, don't tell our son." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, "The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there."

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, "It seems not difficult to carry you now."

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, "All my dresses have grown fatter." I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. "Dad, it's time to carry mum out." He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, "Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old."

I held her tightly and said, "Both you and I didn't notice that our lives lacked such intimacy."

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious."

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. "You got no fever." She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew," I said, "I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you."

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I'll carry you out every morning until we are old."

Quickie

A quick blog and I'll run (off to the bed to catch up on my sleep)! It's been exactly FIVE years (05.12.99) since Ben & I first Pak-Tored, and we had a very interesting celebration. So much details, but in essence, I'm really glad he persisted in believing in me even though during a certain pre-marital period I had hurt him real badly. Melted my heart so many times tonite. We had a great heart-to-heart talk about how lives, about how much God has changed us, and about what we believe about and in other people.

I'm really glad that he is a buddy I can openly share anything with. Also, he's still free to do whatever he wants. (It's 2.42am on Monday morning and he's gone cycling! :D) I'm still dizzy from our conversation. :)

Mum took care of Abby tonite(!). It's her first and she beat around a big bush before i managed to probe her real intention. Ben & I went for Meiyin & Siew Fai's wedding service. So sweet! :D Enjoyed it very much. Met up with a couple of NIE friends. Was just sharing with Ben that I'm really glad Jeremiah is such a good friend. If not I think there'll be many days I would have shed buckets of tears and not want to go to school because, simply put, I don't make people comfortable around me. Well well. Thank God for him. Praise God. He's a real good friend. And I'm glad Ben & Jeremiah finally met tonite. It's been more than 2 years. I've been constantly talking about the both of them to each other but they've NEVER met. So it's been my desire to have them meet. (It's not v nice to talk about another guy to ur hubby u know...) Ben agrees that Jer's a really nice guy! :D

Ben & Siew Fai also hit off really well! They both like torchlights and mobile phones, so they're instant best buddies! For a moment (a long time ago), Meiyin & I thought they were both the same person! :O Ok, abit exaggerated. Maybe twin brothers...? Heh. We've self-invited ourselves to their place so that Ben can ogle at Siew Fai's collection! :D And I can go yak with Meiyin! :D Thank God for her too! She's been an angel at NIE during my down days there. :D

Okie, gotta go. :D will blog again soon.

RECRUIT ABBY REPORTING SIR!

Abby's 4mths old today

Hullo world! I'm 4 months old today! I'm starting on my fifth month, and life has been a happy one so far! Except when I bonked my head on the horn of the steering wheel in my daddy's car and when I can't seem to recognise my surroundings (this started at uncle reno's house and most recently, at my granny's place) and yelled really loudly (i've got POWERFUL lungs!), I've been really happy! :)

I wake up gurgling and sucking my wrist coz it's really yummy, but I really think it's because I'm hungry. Mummy says that the PD says that I'm almost overweight, but I can't seem to sleep well unless I eat properly! Mummy says since i'm four months old already, I'm ready to start solids! Hooray! :D

Mummy has thrown away the growth development chart already and she dussen use it anymore. Daddy says that I should develop at my own pace unless the doctor says otherwise. That's when I'm in trouble. :P I still dowan to do turn or do mini-pushups when I'm on my belly! :P I just lie there and struggle... mummy says i used to fall asleep pretty quicky when she puts me on my belly, but she stopped because my skin started getting rashes from my saliva! So now she puts me on my back, and i also fall asleep very very quickly! Grandma says I'm a very good baby and keeps asking daddy and mummy to have more of me! But I'm special! :D I think I'll teach all my di-dis and mei-meis to do the same! *chuckle*

I like to laugh out loud and thrill my grandma because she's very easily excitable! Auntie Huiying says that she can hear my voice from downstairs and it sounds like a toddler! (Mummy, wat's a toddler?)

Okie, mummy says I need to sleep already. It's naptime, hooray! :D

Love, hugs & kisses,
Abby baby!

Newsflash

I caught the flu bug.

Abby's happier than ever.

Taufik won the Singapore IDOL!!! YesH!