Learning from the Children

As I watch the children growing up, I am learning, re-learning and realising things about myself and the people around me.

I see the quiet confidence in Abby, and I realise that I was made like that as well. The insistence, reactions to things around her, all remind me of my childhood. What truly amazes me about her is that once she has chosen something, she usually will stick to it. I on the other hand, have been trained NOT to trust my preferences and instincts. Instead, I have been 'trained' to do what I am told to do, or else...

The breaking of my will has led to rather undesirable consequences. For one, it took me a really long time to find my confidence again, to live by my decisions rather than regret it - as always, I would regret my decisions as I often made them based on what the 'majority' wants. Terribly indecisive, because being 'nice' was the right thing to do. Offending people was frowned upon, like how I was brought up, so I had to avoid nasty confrontations, like plates of rice flying into my face if I dared defy parental authority.

Quietly, I respect Abby's stubbornness and determination. Although she must learn to be obedient, yet at the same time, I must not allow her to go unheard. As a result of suppression and going with the flow, I lost myself and didn't know myself anymore. I just went along and did not know what I wanted. As a result, I lost precious time and respect from others and myself, for myself.

Through Abigail, I have once again rediscovered myself. To let my yes be yes, and my no be no. In the past, I would do things simply because it was the right thing to do especially when the world was doing it. Like going into Mass Comm. Just because it was difficult to get in, I had to get in. Stupid. After getting in, I almost drowned because that just wasn't me. I should have gone into engineering. Or try my best to get into a JC or something.

Or getting to my secondary school. I went there coz everyone else went there, even those who had better scores than me. So I assumed it wasn't too bad a school. I was never guided to get to a good school. My parents were too busy. I remembered a phonecall from my mum asking me to speak to some older girl who was supposed to help me choose a secondary school. Yah right. I couldn't remember the conversation, but just that my mum's effort in guiding me was to shove the phone to some unsuspecting girl who had no idea what she was supposed to say.

I recognise the Abigail's resistence within me. I hear that almost inaudible voice, muffled whenever I don't like something, yet I am not supposed to voice my displeasure. Because I would face the "or else".

Conditioning.

It is rearing its ugly head in the marriage. As I keep silent on some matters, I am not truly silent. Ben is helping me create an 'equal partnership', but because the man is supposedly to 'lead' the family, I end up quiet. He is trying to get me to speak. And I am learning how to.

Today, a colleague asked me if I was taking my Masters. A lot of people in the staff room are taking their Masters. Under previous circumstances, I would probably have followed suit soon. Besides the fact that we have been undergoing through numerous life changes which are highly stressful, I would probably have started toying with the idea of doing my Masters.

Except that - it is not part of my life-goal to do Masters. I know I am not going to do it. I have studied for so long - more than 20 years in education and I see no point in doing it anymore. I want to homeschool the kids, and I don't need a Masters to do so. Unless one day, I find an area I am so passionate about that I want to do my Masters in it. Until then, I am glad I am not pressured into doing it.

So I told my colleague that I wasn't going to do it, plus my reasons. She said that she was considering. However, until now, she can barely cope with the workload. I see myself there. I see myself not coping and yet wanting to pile on more. But I forget that the pressure will mount. Limited capacity to deal with unlimited workload. Somehow, something will give. What will it be? My marriage? My health? My family? My life?

With Abby's strong personality, I am encouraged. Because I know I was once like that. That is my 'nature'. Although my 'nurture' has made me into who I am today, I know I am not as spineless as I think I am. Especially when it comes to dealing with older women.

I had a conversation with Ben yesterday. He said that he was concerned about my treatment of Abby's resistence. I tend to take the authoritarian approach instead of the authoritative way - the former a controlling adult vs the latter, a controlled adult. I recognise it myself too, as it was often the way I was treated when I displayed such stubbornness when I was young. However, there is a difference. I was too often left emotionally abandoned after the 'treatment'. No explanations or reassurances were given. In fact, I had to seek forgiveness and made to feel bad about myself. On the other hand, Abby is given instructions, explanations and reassurances. If that had been done for me, I would turn out a very different person.

Abigail is highly talented. Although initially she was rather unsure about herself and needed a lot of assurance, lately she has developed a quiet confidence. Although it would drive us nuts because as efficiency would be compromised, after when we explained the situation to her, she would understand and relent or compromise.

I really pray that I would not exasperate the children but provide a firm yet assuring presence in their lives. I pray I would never stifle their true selves, yet at the same time, be able to help them become disciplined individuals who care for the people around them.

Lina-less month

It's Day 3 of No-Lina Month. She almost didn't make it home. We checked the night before her departure and realised that AdamAir flights out of Singaproe to Jarkarta had been cancelled. As it was past midnight, we could not contact the office here. Thankfully, we managed to contact the handling agent (I think) of/at Changi Airport (we called some number on the airport webpage) and they made arrangements for us.

Finally she boarded ValuAir-Jetstar after the lady whom we liaised with removed the ticket of the flight that was cancelled. Lina survived the transit at Jakarta between international and domestic airport, but was told that she could NOT return to Singapore coz she did not have the air-ticket. She was close to tears when she called Ben. We got that sorted out - either it's the travel agent's fault or that lady - I'm not sure, but I'm glad she's looking forward to coming back. She called Ben the next day and told him that she was really keen on coming back. Anyway, we were supposed to be informed of the cancellation but the phonecall never reached us. Either the travel agent's fault, or the maid agency, or simply inconsiderate behaviour.

Today started at 7. I set the alarm and it also woke Shalom up although it's quite soft - a clip of Abby singing Happy Birthday - or maybe he really likes that song? And he woke Abby up. So Ben had to wake up too. Made breakfast, bathed the kids, did laundry, cooked lunch, Ben mopped the floor, we washed up and packed the kids up for church. Then fed them in church with the very first meal I cooked especially for them. Although the first meal seemed presentable, it was not as easy to eat coz the corn was quite indigestable. I thought since they like the Mac's corn-cup so much, I'd add corn to the porridge. Only that the kernel had this tough bit which made it quite tough to swallow. Thankfully the next meal which was this evening- Salmon porridge - was quite alright. But then again, Shalom eats anything. :)

After church, we brought the kids back. They napped and woke up around 3plus. Abby started feeling sluggish and started running a fever later. Nevertheless, we entertained her request of the weekly Macker's meal as we were on our way to Kallang Stadium for GDOP, but she wasn't too thrilled. Fussy throughout. Fed Shalom at Stadium, Abby slept. She didn't eat. Had a drink and threw up in the car. She was dozing on and off, and I was worried as fever accompanied by lethargy is a cause for concern. We brought her to the GP and she suddenly came alive. Even started chatting with me happily. But when she got home, she started getting fussy and whiney again. Sigh.

I asked Abby yesterday if she missed Lina. She thought for a while and smiled, "I want Mummy...!" :) My heart melted. Both the kids know that Lina's not around, yet they haven't really asked for her.

I found a note from Lina to my MIL's helper today in one of the drawers. Although in Bahasa Indonesia, one sentence touched us - it read (in English), "Dewi please could you take care of the two kids, Shalom and Abigail." So sweet. :) Her sense of responsibility is very rare. :)

I spoke to my granny's helper yesterday and she told me that it is not easy to live in Indonesia once their contract ends. The conditions cannot be compared to here, and since they've been so conditioned to our kind of hygiene and lifestyle, they find it difficult to adjust to their former conditions. She could only stay up to 4 months before she requested to work overseas again. She wanted to go Hong Kong, but it seems that paperwork takes a long time, and Singapore's much faster, so she returned here instead.

These few days have been thoroughly physically exhausting, yet I really do enjoy it. Ben said that it isn't as hectic as this at work, and I told him that I quite like it - with all the childcare, household, laundry (with my mother's handwash methods - I can't use the machine to wash lah, except to spin dry... psychological barrier) cooking, cleaning, packing, etc, and he said that I really do like motherhood. Of course.

My only struggle? My backlog of work that's awaiting to be done this June hols. Oh well.

Am I Dreaming or What?

It's been such an awesome weekend. Although most people would complain about the pain, it's been great. It's all glory to God.

I've been under the weather since the start of the week, but since it's post-exam madness - marking of exam scripts, tallying of marks, entertaining the kiddos with work and going through marked scripts, checking OAS and exam papers for errors, making sure those suspected 'editors' would edit their marks by photocopying the script before returning to them, uploading marks, making sure books and files that are due for checking are in order (that still not done), attending a FULL DAY COURSE in the midst of the madness on Thursday, dealing with disappointment from a Band 1-der getting a Band 3 for Science, taking my Science club sweeties mixed with one-sixth of my 'highly adventurous and energetic' form class to the Singapore Science Centre, dealing with 2 kids who threw up on the way there because of the horrible bus ride, having a whale of a time at the Singapore Youth Science Festival (glad the kids got to run around the Science Centre legitimately), seeing my form class sweeties learning so much through hands-on activities. AND THEN, when the weekend started, we (BEN & I! The Parents!) took Abby to her Saturday playgroup and thereafter mobilised the maid to zoom to ICA coz Ben was stuck there in a 800-people long queue collecting his & Shalom's passports while Abby & I were at the Playroom. Abby & I took a train three trains there (had to transfer etc) and finally reached Lavender. Waited some more, but had Mac's (weekly affair) latest at Kallang with an indoor playground, then returned to ICA again to wait some more. Spent so much time with Abby & Shalom - in fact never so intense before - that I can literally sense the bond between Shalom & myself. Previously I was simply the child-producer and the milkmaid. We played and played. He was even comfortable enough to sit on my lap today to watch telly! :) Oh, and last evening Abby actually finished her fishball bee-hoon soup ALL BY HERSELF! No struggles, nothing whatsoever. We were having a very simple meal, eating together as A FAMILY. OUR FAMILY. I was so grateful for that moment. Abby didn't go into her Granny vs Mummy mode by using one against the other and we had such a great time. :)




Abby at the Playroom paper cutting and craft work on 'Long' and 'Short'. The teachers say that she's able to stay on task for a long time. :)

We went church today, Ben served with cell for ushering, I took care of the two kids in the nursery while Lina had her off day. Fed both kids. After church, they took a 45-min nap in the car and we went for lunch at California Pizza Kitchen at the Forum. Raved about as a kiddy place, wanted to check it out, but it wasn't as fancy as I thought. Food was pricey and they had parsley with their Original BBQ chicken. Even Shalom was trying to remove the greens from his food. :S Probably won't go back there again. The only child-friendly stuff was the kids' menu, some activity sheet to scribble on, crayons and a kiddy cup (actually a takeaway plastic cup like what Mac's uses). About 4 times the price though, of a Value Meal. We went to one of the pizza restaurants in Sydney and it was really child-friendly. They had a smaller kiddy cup which was great for small kids, activity sheets for kids also, and they had DOUGH for everyone to knead and then they would bake our creations! :D Pricey also, but fun. :)

After lunch, we went to the 2nd level playground. Abby made a new friend and was quite affected when she disappeared suddenly without saying goodbye. :'( Her name's Clara (before I forget).

It was a random shot I took coz I wanted to MMS eve about the place. Too bad phone not enough memory to mms. :P

They played really well, even held hands when Abby was looking for Shalom. We hid in a corner coz my li'l prince toppled and needed comfort via a quick fix. They played for a long time, and Shalom could crawl up the rock-climbing slope! :) Very garang, that boy. But still doesn't like the ball-pit. He charmed the lady-in-charge who gave him a Mac's wedge when she saw us later.

We left the playground and went looking at kids' books and toys in the shops. It's so awesome and so fun. We just spent the time, unhurried, checking out stuff. Usually I'll feel like I'm imposing even on Lina as we while away time, coz she'll be there standing, waiting for us. So just knowing that all four of us were having a great time made it all so great! :) Ben was happily checking out the toys also, and even bought a 3D map for Shalom. IF I have the time, I'll snap a shot and post it.

We picked Lina up around 6 and headed off to my granny's place. It was fun. Abby remembered the kittens there and they've grown up so quickly! :) She was so chatty at my granny's place. Shalom, as usual, was eating ever so often. On Sat night, Ben bought grapes. Shalom kept stuffing in his mouth that it was jammed packed! And he kept going on. So dangerous, but yet so adorable! :) Heh. :)

Another week of madness, and then Lina's leaving on Friday. Thereafter, it's going to be a new chapter.

Sun nite - prepare powerpoint slide of How to Create Air-Rocket coz my LR expects it to be a breeze. I am Kia-See. Dowan to die tomorrow explaining to the kids that if they mess up their rockets, it will boomerang and jab them in the eye.
Mon - Get kids to create bottle air-rocket. Prepare for Tues prize presentation and Scrabble competition. Collect star records from pupils.
Tues - Launch air rocket. Conduct Scrabble competition. Conduct prize giving ceremony.
Wed - Go through English Paper with 4A. Prepare Meet-The-Parent session on Thursday. Pray like mad that everything will go well. Attend course in church on Studying the Bible in the evening.
Thurs - Meet the parents. Survive it. Rush book checking.
Friday - CLEAR MY TABLE. (Don't underestimate that task. That includes finishing up all my work... *BIG CRY*)

Oh well. This too shall pass. :) And I'll have another awesome weekend! Or will I?

I'm supposed to blog this so...

A couple of days ago, Ben and Abby were about to leave for school. As usual, she'd bid farewell to didi, Lina-jiejie, the chair, the floor, the tv, the fan, the sofa, the carpet, the door... you get the idea.

So on that day, prior to leaving, she wanted to take her laptop along to school.
Ben: Abby, we can't take that. It's too big, it can't fit into your bag.
Abby (ponders and looks at both laptop and Hello Kitty backpack): Too big? Cannot go in.
Ben: Yes, that's right, we can't bring that.
Abby: Ok, cannot bring.

Later, as they got into the car, which was about 10 minutes or so as they made their way past a playground and offered the daily courtesy hello to a neighbour attending Brighton M., she requested for the toy bag in the car. She started looking inside as usual, then suddenly...

Abby: Oh! It's here!
Ben (looking at her): What? Oh, your phone? (referring to her toy mobile phone a.k.a. the noisy thing)
Abby: Not too big right?

Ben was stunned. She was actually making reference to the laptop and comparing both, and at the same time persuading Ben to let her take that to school.

...

Last night, when we were about to doze off, Ben was on the phone with one of his kids. Then when he ended the conversation,
Abby: Who's that?
Mummy: One of Daddy's probationers.
(a slight pause...)
Abby (repeating herself, directing the question to Daddy): Who's that? WOMAN UH?

We were stunned. Ben exclaimed that even Mummy doesn't even ask that! :D

Paradigm Shift, Elnathan's Full Month, Sunday

It's been quite a life changing period. The books that Ben and I have been reading, the movie we watched plus the audio cds that we've finished and those that we're listening to... Plus the sermon this morning. Am really convinced that our personal agendas need to change. The end days are here. Just look at the calamities. It's occuring at a rate like never before in history. As much as I've been quite an environmentalist, the still small voice I hear within says, "Don't worry. I will create a new heaven and a new earth. The end is coming soon."

With that, I have no idea how to carry on my Science Club. I've been passionately converting the little kiddos to "Save the Earth(!)" and "watch what you do coz that's just gonna kill the earth even more!" until I felt it has almost become a religion. So with a gentle reminder from a kingdom perspective, I see the picture in a different light now. I'll still integrate what they are learning from P4 Science to the environment coz that's what it's all about but to focus on people instead of the planet. As much as we fret about it, I got reminded of someone once telling me, "If the Earth was tilted one degree more, it'll be too hot and we'll all die. Similarly, if it's tilted one degree less, everything will freeze and we'll also die." Hmm... so if it gets too hot, I'm sure it would it be too hard for God to tilt his footstool a little bit so that things can be in order once again? :D Heh.

Oh well. I'm just glad all this will be over soon. The end is coming. :) And we're going home.

I once thought about this analogy: Life is like a foetus in the mother's womb. As a foetus, we think that's it. Until it's time and we're born. Then we enter into this world. Likewise, as humans, we think, "this is it." Until we die and then we enter into another world. And in that other world, it's for eternity.

Cheem eh?

Anyway, after church today, we went to a friend's baby's full-month celebration. Baby's called Elnathan. We were once all part of the Ezzo group, and I think they aren't really devout followers... sounds like a cult? But I caught up with another mother and she's all struggling with her soon to be 3 yo. She said that she really can't manage to get her girl to be 'First Time Obedient' as much as she's trying so hard. (FTO is part of the Ezzo syllabus.) As she said that, I tried comforting her by saying, "Even when God asks us to do something, we don't usually respond with First Time Obedience. What more with little kids (who are so fond of testing boundaries)?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that we aren't Ezzo-followers anymore. It creates really unhealthy expectations and messes up relationships - parent-child and between parents. I also mentioned about my 2 English classes. For my form class, I have higher expectations and usually get way more frustrated. For the other class, I don't expect as much. As a result, with less frustration and tension, the second class is performing better than the first class. I yell more at my form class, and it's really affecting them a lot. I read elsewhere that research has shown that yelling so often at a living thing will actually kill it. I think they used plants. I hope.

I must learn NOT to yell at the kids. I am destroying them. And I'm not supposed to do so.

Back to today. I actually met my primary school good pal! I saw a familiar face and then called out to her. She took a moment before she recognised me. We actually hung out very often together when we were little girls! And after I left, we lost touch. We lost contact for TWENTY YEARS. So old liao. :P She actually remembers me! :) Must go dig old photos. Heh. She's got a little boy now, and even said that her mum will be so surprised to know that we met. (Her mum? Wow, she'll actually remember me too?)

After that, we exchanged contact and took a group photo. Abby wanted to go swimming coz the celebration was at a condo, so she was offered two choices - Aunt's condo or beach. She wanted the beach because of the sand.


May Day's outing to the beach. The only decent picture.

It was rather early, so we thought we could catnap at home first. She didn't really wanna sleep, but we bribed her with McDonald's plus beach after the nap. We overslept and tried to get her to wake up. We told her we couldn't go to the beach. She was fine with that. But almost immediately, she whined, "McDonald's?" with tears in her eyes. Wah lau.

Oh well. Her daddy got her a corn cup before we reached her great-granny's place. When we got there, she was very terrified of Joy - now my mum's pom. Actually was mine but I really can't manage so many especially with a terribly noisy pom plus 2 babies. She kept crying whenever she saw Joy, until her dad said, "Joy joy is a hamster!"

That was the thing that did the trick. She likes hamsters but really doesn't like Joy. So when Ben said that, she was way much better. She even mentioned her 'Mouster' - her Godma's hamster. It's Mouse and Hamster combined. She keeps calling that. Oh well. Quite cute eh?

So we got back. Because of the late naps, the kids didn't sleep till late. It took almost an hour to lull them to sleep. Shalom kept getting up - almost like the Gremlins which keep appearing! Except that this one is way cuter! :D

Late. Gotta get up early tomorrow later. Back to work.

Shalom at 13m 3w

He's officially a toddler! His first long distance steps (about 15 at a go?) were taken today when I WASN'T around at his grandparents' place. Sigh. Oh well. :'(

He climbed down - feet first - from his sister's knee-high bed. I've been training him to go feet-first for quite a while - and he kept going palms down from his lower pull-out bed - and suddenly he just started going feet down. Thank God. Just now, he came down from Abby's bed feet first! Woohoo! He must get more used to it. And he helped me put back the books before bedtime! Erhm... I directed him the push the books back into the bookshelf - and tried to get him not to pull the books out again. Not easy, I say. :P

And he's talking quite a bit - he's pretty much parroting whatever people are saying, and I think he's slightly faster than Abby in terms of speech development. I remembered Abby as being comfortable with two-syllable words for quite a while, but this fella is managing more than 2 rather well. Or either that I spent more time with Abby and less with Shalom so it seems that Abby was longer. Hmm... Anyway, he's blabbering quite a bit and is rather shocking at times. For instance...

(at the beach last Sunday)
Abby the cheena girl (picking up the dislocated handle of a pail): Orh!! Didi nong huai de! (Didi damaged this!)
Shalom (almost immediately as he looked up from his sand digging): Mei you! (Don't have!)

It's really scary. And they repeated the scene, which Ben witnessed as well the second time round. Are they supposed to be having a conversation so early?

He can really say quite a number of words. I think I am just not doing enough for him.

Oh well. I am so looking forward to the church camp with Ben & the kids! Not easy, but not impossible I believe! :) I am also looking forward to 'retirement' (if God wills) when my time is up and be able to take care of the kids fulltime. That's always been my dream - to take care of my children myself. Will it ever be possible?

Chrysalis

I am just about a few minutes away from my next class, and in the midst of this pre-exam madness, I am about to explode.

I titled this 'Chrysalis' because that's pretty much what the kids are - THEY ARE CACOONED. ASLEEP IN THE CACOON.

I can talk, demonstrate, let them see, let them touch, let them experiment and play and they still have NO IDEA what they are doing. I am really teaching a special needs class.

Now it's filing season. I replace the worksheets of those who have been irresponsible, and one ultimate BLUR QUEEN writes her name on the worksheet, holds on to it for a few days, and then hands it in. EMPTY. BLANK. Like, "huh?"

ARGH. They are really quite badly labelled by other teachers at this point in time. Behaves 'well' only when I'm around. Yell at the top of their lungs when they feel like it. Gosh. Their self-control button is really jammed.

I need a break.