Changes

Current and anticipated changes...

*Finishing NIE
*Exams & deadlines
*Getting my school posting
*Starting teaching
*Moving house
*Becoming independent
*Depending on helper to care for kids (at least a few hours daily)
*Sharing a car & getting around with public transport
*Abigail terminating childcare
*Abigail terminating Aquaducks
*Abigail starting kindergarten near our new place

We wanted to stop Abby's Saturday classes at Montessori also, but since she's enjoying it so much (plus it's parent-accompanied and her uncle's joining next term) we'll let her continue there. We stopped Aquaducks for the moment coz she's been screaming each time the coach touches her and we haven't been regular in attendance because of poor health and weather. My body hasn't been fully co-operating. Anxiety related GERD and very bad mood swings - most likely health/hormonally related. I hope my life will stabilise. Ben mentioned if we were to chart the stresses brought about by changes since we got together in 1999, we'd realise that it's been very high strung and intensive. I'm all ready for stability. Let's pray everything goes well.

Please vote for them! :)

Please help to vote for Abby & Shalom at Mumcentre.com. It's only for a week and it closes this coming Monday. Thanks! :D

Huh? What did you just say?

It's either our over-active imagination, or Shalom's really speaking to us! So far, he's repeated 'Flower' to his grandpa, 'Che-che', 'Abby', 'Daddy' and 'Camel' to us! Amazing...

I Feel A Little Better

The dark clouds are dispersing. Charlotte actually saw them. Amazing. I've been too engrossed in clouds. Never did I realise that they were that symbolic. I'm glad the sun is shining through. I am so glad, so touched that she actually could understand the intensity of the clouds. No words could describe what I was going through. I was even contemplating seeking professional help. I just thank God for His wisdom. He's really professional I say! :)

Giving up control. Despite the dark clouds, I still wanted control. I know I need to give up control. But the more I tried to control, the more I lost it.

Today I realised we're not leaving Egypt. In fact, we're entering the Promised Land. Leaving Egypt involved stuff which are too scary (and too much) to mention here. Instead, "Be Bold and Courageous!" speaks loud and clear. A discerning friend from my Math class said there's too much fear. I've been gripped by fear. Thank God for her also.

The sun is indeed breaking through the clouds. I can sense the heaviness lifting. It was really heavy and difficult to breathe. Living was a chore. But now I know there's a breakthrough!

Today I learnt how to mess around with iMovie. Thank God for that! :) In fact, as I was telling my partner how long it was taking to upload the raw movie clip, he said we ought to pray for efficiency. Within the next minute the video was uploaded! :)

I believe things will go upwards from here. The uphill journey may not be easy, but the scene will surely be breathtaking. As breathtaking as these angels:

@ 7 Months

I think I just heard Shalom say, "Hah-oh!" to me this morning when we aroused from our slumber... after I greeted him, "Hello!" Too cool! :)

I AM SO TIRED.

Out of the 8 semesters, this has been the most challenging and the most tiring. I've been late for probably ALL my classes - consistently late. I've been living in a world that's behind time. I've been trying to speed things up but have been left even more breathless than ever before. I just want EIGHT HOURS OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP. Even by my own milking system. Currently, Shalom STILL wakes up out of habit in the middle of the night to suckle - roughly around 3am - and then continually suckle after that coz he knows I'm around. He'll sleep in his own cot first, then 3am starts then the suckling marathon begins. He can even find me when he's next to me while asleep! He'll latch on successfully then suckle away while I'll have to toss and turn - much like satay - when one side runs out and then switch over to the other side, a few times between 3 and 7am. I've been trying to do work at night after the kids go to bed, that means I only get to bed around 1-2am. Which means I don't sleep. Shalom's been waking up almost every night (once or twice he slept till close to 6am and that was when he was healthy) since he was born. I'm dying for uninterrupted sleep; otherwise, I'm dying. We can't do Ezzo totally with him coz firstly, we can't agree with Ezzo anymore and are severely paying for our decision, can't let him cry-it-out (CIO) coz he's just right next to Abby who'll also CIO, and then I'll CIO and so will Ben. So we settle for the persistent wake up calls. So much for the old joke of calling people up in the middle of the night at 3am to get them to pee. It's retribution I say.

Nevertheless, it's the only uninterrupted bonding time I get with Shalom. Abby's not exactly at an age where she knows what sharing means (developmentally not really ready) so it's quite a challenge to get her to share with Shalom. Sure she knows what sharing is when it's to her advantage. Like today, when Shalom was gumming a toy, she ripped it from his hand and said, "Share!" She's right, I tell you. Shalom's just too glad that his sister is responding to him. Wait till he gums her. Oh wait, she's the expert here.

Work's been piling up although today's been a pretty productive day. :) On the bright side, Ben & I are spending much more time together as we make time to lunch together and dine out on Saturdays. It really does wonders to the marriage, and we're not as errand-oriented as when we're running errands. We also realised that Abby needs to see the both of us together displaying affection (in fact both the kids) and whenever that happens, she's more secure and doesn't wake up in the middle of the night. So what Ezzo observed holds some water after all.

Right now Ben & I are both working on similar issues, and it really does feel good to know that I'm not that alone after all. Especially when sometimes the future doesn't seem very bright and things get really depressing. Maybe I'm just really very tired.

On a more positive note, we've weaned Abby off diapers. She's been mostly successful, except when she's thoroughly engrossed in an activity. Accident no. 1 happened when I took her along for PCS ex-teachers reunion. She was happily playing with her soup when she looked up and said, "Pass urine." I thought she wanted to go, but when I saw drippings off the high chair, i realised it was too late. :P No.2 happened at her aunt's place. I think it was No.2 & 3. She was there with her granny and was playing with her cousin. Not too sure about details, but I think she returned with her 1 month old baby cousin's diaper! She's consistent at home, tell us me when she needs to go. Seems that Lina needs to take her regularly to the potty coz she won't tell her. Hmm. Oh well. And she also wakes up dry in the morning. Is that a sign of nighttime dryness? Will it be consistent? :P

I just hope that things will start looking up. I've been reading more books lately (strangely as I hardly have time for much) and the current read is 'Boundaries' by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend.

The contents really hit too close to home, yet it is breath-taking to know that there is a way out. I've been wanting to read this book for a long time, and I'm glad I'm past the first and second chapter. Changes will need to be made, especially patterns established a long time ago will need to be broken. And they will be for the better.
Another book I just got from the NLB:
Child of Our Time By Tessa Livingstone.

I was recommended this book, hopefully will be able to skim through it.
The two books I finished were:

I need all the counselling and guidance I can get. Desperately needing help.

To a certain extent, I am looking forward to the sanctuary @ our new place. Ben & I have always had this unintruded bubble eversince we knew each other sixteen years ago. That's my cave actually. Yet somehow I'm approaching this place with fear and trepidation because we are no longer under the protection of my in-laws. Social protection, so to speak. Although there have been ups and down these past three years adjusting to living with a new family, I have been given a new lease of life to live life a new way, a way of freedom and away from emotional tangos. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I really hope I will be able to retain my sanity and boundary and not sour any relationships. Isn't this bad, being so pessimistic even before moving? Maybe I'm really just tired.

The Irony of Life

My blog's probably most infamous for the entry on that unscrupulous makeover company done a while ago - check out the comments section. My mum only started reading my blog recently for updates on my two precious so she didn't know about this incident. To cut the long story short, SHE BOUGHT A PACKAGE FROM THEM!! Sigh. AND SHE PUT THE PACKAGE IN OUR NAME SOME MORE! Sigh. I don't know whether to die from laughter or from embarrassment. To cut another long story short, after I told Ben about it, he said he would not be comfortable going back there YEARLY for our shots. Like I would be? I really hope my mum would cancel the payment. (Till now, she still doesn't get it that I will never go back to that place.) The photography is really bad and after slamming it and causing many people to cancel their appts with them after googling and getting my account, I really don't know how to smile AT THEIR CAMERAS. Ben & I don't ever, ever, ever want to go back there EVER AGAIN. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. NEVER. EVER. AGAIN. NEVER. You get the idea? Yes? No?

The Majesty of God

I don't really crave to visit other countries, but when I see the wonders of nature such as this, I am in total awe and I wanna be there - safely of course! It just reflects the majesty of God, his awesome fury as well as his tremendous grace. My favourite has to be mammatus clouds although I also love shots of lightning from clouds. Awesome indeed.

At What Price?

Primary schools today were closed for Children's Day celebration. Some ex-PCS (except one who's still a current PCS tr) teachers gathered for a dinner. I brought Abby along coz Godma Elise was gonna be there. I didn't want her not to miss any chance seeing her godmas. After dinner and coffee, one message was clear - teachers' passion for teaching is still being snuffed out by The System. I really shudder at what is to come. One question kept ringing in my head, "What exactly is The System?" More significantly, will i be caught in the mad race also?

I've been advised to get my priorities right and stick to them. At this point, before i embark on teaching, I know that my children are very important to me. I know that the Ministry, the School and the pupils will easily get a more competent teacher than I, but Abigail and Shalom will never be able to have another mother. Nor another father. That's both Ben & my reminder to prioritise well. Ben's doing a great job in terms of managing his priorities. I must learn well from him.

I just think whatever decisions we make, there will be a price to pay. After a brief surfing regarding related complaints about the system, the schools, the students and the workload, another fact became stark. Society is already paying the price for dual-parent working families. Children are left unguided, or barely guided by domestic helpers and, if fortunate enough, wise grandparents. Parents who should be responsible for the children are out there giving their all to corporations who will suck them dry and then hunt for another prey to devour. Children are then pinballed around as no one wants to claim responsibility over them, especially the trying teenage years. Parents who have failed to establish rapport with their children find it absolutely difficult to communicate and discipline them, so when trouble hits, parents blame everything and everyone else but themselves. Everyone is crying for help - helpless parents, exasperated students and worn out teachers. Who can help? And once again, at what price? Are we willing to let others take the first place while we get our own house in order? Or must we die-die be the hub and the first for everything, just for the sake of survival? But it is plain to see that we aren't surviving very well. Dysfunctional families are on the rise, thanks to the race for survival.

We are self-destructing.

The Other Mummy

My life has changed drastically.

It all started when a strange woman barged into my house. She didn't ring the doorbell, she just opened the door and walked in.

"Is Anna here?" the woman asked, standing in our front hall.

"What?" I said. But Anna was already shrieking ecstatically and running toward us.

"Mommy!" she cried joyfully. She ran past me and buried her head in the stranger's chest. "Mommy, mommy, mommy," Anna sighed as the woman lifted her into her arms.

I stared at them in shock. There was something horribly magical about them. It was like they were an instant twosome. Their love for each other was so deep. I felt worse than left out. I felt wrong — too small, too big, too average.

"Anna!" I moaned, but she and the woman were twirling past, laughing and breathless. They flopped down on the couch, and then — I couldn't believe it — the woman pulled up her shirt and Anna started to nurse. The woman stroked Anna's hair lovingly as Anna slurped and slurped.

I stood over them, tears streaming down my face. "What's happening?" I sobbed.

"She's nursing," said the woman serenely, staring into Anna's beautiful brown eyes.

"But she's weaned! We stopped over a year ago!"

The woman looked at me calmly.

"Quiet down, please," she said. "You don't nurse Anna anymore. But I'm her new mommy. And I do nurse her. It's okay. She has both of us now."

I was dumbfounded.

"Get. The hell. Out," I said loudly. "Anna doesn't need two mothers."

Anna stopped nursing and turned to me. "Two mommies," she said.

"You'll get used to it," said the woman. "You'll even love me. You'll see."

And she's been living with us ever since.

As you can imagine, it's been a terrible, terrible time. My emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I'm blinded by jealousy. I desperately want Anna to love me best. I offered her my breast the other day.

"I can nurse you too, see?" I said plaintively. Anna just smiled and tried to distract me with a toy. Later I saw the other mother nursing her, and my heart shattered.

Other times I feel the most intense rage toward the other mother.

But most of the time I just want things to go back to the way they were. I'm sick and tired of all the changes. I want everything to just.....regress.

Okay, okay, not really

This is a fictional scenario, of course.

But this is as close as I can come to imagining how Anna must have felt when Clara arrived, and how she must still feel. It helps me understand her regressions.

Anna has become exceedingly oral. At age 2, she's started using a pacifier. She mouths other things too — books, Legos, her baby doll's bottle, me.

This would be okay if it weren't for the chokables. In the past, when she found a small object like a bottle cap or a penny, she'd immediately trot over to me and drop it into my hand. But last week she put her tiny tea set cup in her mouth and rolled it around like a sugar cube. ("No!" I shrieked, and she spit it out, terrified.)

We've also had a problem with sleep. A few weeks ago, Anna dropped her nap yet again. Then she decided she didn't like Quiet Time.

"I don't like it, Quiet Time," she'd sob as soon as I heaved her into her crib. And she'd cry off and on for the entire hour — making it Loud Time. I tried books and toys. She tossed them out of the crib, screeching. I added massage to our pre-nap routine. She wasn't fooled.

We dropped Quiet Time and put her to bed earlier. This worked for a while, and then it stopped working. She got overtired and started waking up at night.

And, of course, there have been tantrums.

A small pause

I think Anna's been trying to tell me something with these behaviors, but for a long time I didn't want to listen. In a way I was regressing myself. I have a new baby on my hands! Anna needs to be easy right now! She needs to sleep right, act right, and not scare me with chokables! It's not fair, I thought childishly.


But it is fair. Anna's world changed drastically when Clara was carried in the door. In fact, it continues to change — at breakneck speed. Most of the time she copes well, with grace and humor. But sometimes she needs to be a baby too. And sometimes I forget this.

This afternoon, Anna sat on my lap while I rubbed Clara's stomach. Clara had just calmed down from an intense crying spell. I had swaddled her in her pink blanket and she lay peacefully on the floor gazing at the ceiling fan. Everything was fine, until Anna started to cry.

I didn't get it. She had the best seat in the house. Clara was the one on the floor. I could feel myself getting frustrated.

But then, inspiration struck like a miracle.

"Anna?" I asked. "Do you want to be swaddled too? Like Clara?"

"Put blanket on Anna," she said, sniffling.

So I took our big blue quilt, wrapped her in it, and laid her down next to Clara. Then I gave her a pacifier and rubbed her stomach.

The girls lay next to each other, looking up at me with their round, trusting eyes.

"My two babies," I teased, laughing.

Anna laughed too, but she didn't get up. In fact, for the next several minutes, we all stayed exactly where we were, taking a break from change.

Taken from BabyCentre-Evonne's Journal

Ben suggested I should post this up after sending the article to him. I entitled it, "SO SCARY." And indeed it is. Do let me know how u feel after reading it. :)