Running

I love travelling. I also hate it. It's almost a love-hate relationship. I used to love it till I met Ben. I remember the time when we first got together in 1999. I left for Hong Kong a couple of days after that and I wanted to take the next flight there after I touched down. I really don't like to travel without him. I thought I was bonkers, till I had children.

Once Abby was born, it seemed as if a part of me was apart from me, and it has never been the same again. I no longer am that independent, even though I long to. With two kids in tow, it's double the challenge. It was only out of desperate measures that I had no choice but to travel without Ben when I went to Sydney, seven months pregnant, with Abby. Alone. I couldn't take my MIL's nonsense anymore. I really had to get away.

Now with her nonsense starting all over again, I wanna run. With the impending upgrading - internal flat upgrading and the building of the multistorey carpark, occuring around the same time as Lina taking one month off back to Indonesia, I am facing the future shit scared.

I don't know when the flat upgrading will take place. When it does, we'll need to vacate. I have ADAMANTLY REFUSED to move back with my in-laws, especially after what happened recently. If the upgrading takes place when Lina is not around (and chances are extremely high), then I am quite screwed. Also, they are going to build a multistorey carpark next to our block. With the dust and the noise, we'll definitely need to get another place. Although word has it that it'll only take up to mid-next year to complete the construction (they just built another MSCP nearby within a year), we still need temporary living arrangements.

Going back to in-laws is outta question coz Abby and I have a long travelling time during peak hour traffic in the mornings. It's really the last option. So now we're house searching again. We definitely need to get out for the flat upgrading, but as for the MSCP construction, we won't know till we're seriously plagued by the ill effects of the construction, which I hope will not affect us as much.

We're toying with the idea of rental, kinda like one-for-one, but that would mean we'll need to upgrade the flat first and fix the window grilles, the smelly toilets and the balcony. Then we can rent this place out. Before that, we'll most likely get another place to stay, either temporarily or perhaps permanent. We're also toying with the idea of getting another place, but that would put quite a strain on our finances, and we don't wanna pay cash upfront for our lodging actually. Hopefully the new place will have condo facilities so that the kids can have access to the pool and not be confined to the four walls or get bitten by insects (at my in-laws which is now a weekly affair. Poor Shalom.)

I know that things will work out, but in the face of all these issues, I really just wanna take the kids, together with Ben, and RUN. Run to a place where we won't get harrassed. A place we can truly call our own. Since I came back from Perth, I haven't had a definitely sense of belonging. When I returned, my room was literally in bits and pieces coz my family moved into a 3rm flat (from a 5rm) and my former room was in 17 different boxes hidden all over the house. I tried settling down but it was just really difficult. When I got married, I had to live with Ben's parents for a (long) while until the two kids came along. Even as we moved out, I haven't really found my sense of belonging especially when coming home to face my MIL daily (either that or the kids won't be at home coz they'll be at my in-laws' place which'll make the house EMPTY - that happens on Wednesdays, Fridays AND Saturdays as well). Coming home everyday is really a pain which I thought would be gone when I didn't have to face my in-laws everyday if I didn't live with them anymore. But no. I see her even more now. *bangs head on wall*

Which wrong step did I make?

Why am I in this position?

Are there any steps I can retrace so that I can free myself?

I'm stuck. And I want to run. Run away with Ben and the two kids. Away from everything.

No wonder my aunt migrated to Australia 12 years ago.

How long more can I take this?

Ben & I realised that we shouldn't try matchmaking people ever. The pains of marriage can be really testing.

If we didn't hold on to the vow of marriage so dearly, I don't know how strong the marriage would actually be to endure her nonsense. Would she ever feel guilty of breaking her own son's marriage?

But thank God for God. I know that things will get better. This is just one of the valleys I trudge so that the peaks will be worth it. The stresses of life can really test the strength of a marriage. That's why I wanna run with Ben and the two kids away from it all. We miss each other so much, and we're still trying to carve a nest we can truly call our own.

Perhaps I'm just being ungrateful. People say that I'm blessed to have a mother-in-law who takes care of my kids. But I don't trust her. And I have grounds not to.

Ignorance + Obstinance = Exasperation.

I've had enough of her voices in my head.

I've had it.

Post delivery after Abby, I had hallucinations of her walking around in the middle of the night in our room.

Now I have her voices in my head.

Enough is enough.

When I didn't have kids, I think of jumping whenever I'm near a window. Now I don't because it's for the children that I grit and bear with it.

I never cherished the carefree life I had. Now it's checkmate.

Take my heart. Take it all. Trample it. Step on it. Take me hostage. Fool around with it and kill it. Again. And Again. And claim ignorance after that. Use it. Abuse it. Then play victim. Blame me. I still have some life left. Take it all.

Don't you ever dare to ask me to have another kid.

I don't want to be held three-times hostage.