Comfort

Am feeling way much better. Bless Ben for his heart. I was miserable throughout last night because I yelled at Abby, but things became better this morning. We even managed to go our regular Thai restaurant for our weekly fix. Today, we ate A LOT. It was so good. I was smiling after that! :) during the lunch, ben suggested i arrange for a massage- self care. So i went for one after lunch. When i stepped in, it seemed i looked so fatigued the people there just understood and didn't dish out any courtesy crap. Usually they're really friendly, but today, the manager just saw me and gave me a super-sympathetic look. I came out much fresher. The therapist used a fantastic massage gel on me that literally melted away my knots! A heavy investment, and i would really love to get it. Without it, the massage wouldn't be as effective. But it's really pricey! Although the therapist wasn't my regular one, she's also really good. Thank God for today. I managed to finish 3 stacks of marking, but poor kids got slightly neglected by mummy. I asked Abby why i yelled at her yesterday, and she said rhd didn't know. Anyway, i apologised to her for yelling needlessly. She's forgiven me! :)

Was doing a bit of bedtime reading, and abby chose one of her favourite books "It's not easy being a bunny". She can almost read half the book by herself! :) i would read the non-repetitive parts while she'd do the repeated but sequentially-lengthened paragraphs. At first i thought she'd memorised the texts, later, when i pointed out the words at random to her, she could read them! Words such as 'bear, bird, beaver, pig, possum, skunk'! I'm so thrilled! :)

Anyway, I suspect my monthly cycle is fooling around with my moods. Ben reminded me to be thankful for not getting hfmd! That would mean i actually have one week of teaching time instead of taking MCs. Thank God indeed! :D

Running

I love travelling. I also hate it. It's almost a love-hate relationship. I used to love it till I met Ben. I remember the time when we first got together in 1999. I left for Hong Kong a couple of days after that and I wanted to take the next flight there after I touched down. I really don't like to travel without him. I thought I was bonkers, till I had children.

Once Abby was born, it seemed as if a part of me was apart from me, and it has never been the same again. I no longer am that independent, even though I long to. With two kids in tow, it's double the challenge. It was only out of desperate measures that I had no choice but to travel without Ben when I went to Sydney, seven months pregnant, with Abby. Alone. I couldn't take my MIL's nonsense anymore. I really had to get away.

Now with her nonsense starting all over again, I wanna run. With the impending upgrading - internal flat upgrading and the building of the multistorey carpark, occuring around the same time as Lina taking one month off back to Indonesia, I am facing the future shit scared.

I don't know when the flat upgrading will take place. When it does, we'll need to vacate. I have ADAMANTLY REFUSED to move back with my in-laws, especially after what happened recently. If the upgrading takes place when Lina is not around (and chances are extremely high), then I am quite screwed. Also, they are going to build a multistorey carpark next to our block. With the dust and the noise, we'll definitely need to get another place. Although word has it that it'll only take up to mid-next year to complete the construction (they just built another MSCP nearby within a year), we still need temporary living arrangements.

Going back to in-laws is outta question coz Abby and I have a long travelling time during peak hour traffic in the mornings. It's really the last option. So now we're house searching again. We definitely need to get out for the flat upgrading, but as for the MSCP construction, we won't know till we're seriously plagued by the ill effects of the construction, which I hope will not affect us as much.

We're toying with the idea of rental, kinda like one-for-one, but that would mean we'll need to upgrade the flat first and fix the window grilles, the smelly toilets and the balcony. Then we can rent this place out. Before that, we'll most likely get another place to stay, either temporarily or perhaps permanent. We're also toying with the idea of getting another place, but that would put quite a strain on our finances, and we don't wanna pay cash upfront for our lodging actually. Hopefully the new place will have condo facilities so that the kids can have access to the pool and not be confined to the four walls or get bitten by insects (at my in-laws which is now a weekly affair. Poor Shalom.)

I know that things will work out, but in the face of all these issues, I really just wanna take the kids, together with Ben, and RUN. Run to a place where we won't get harrassed. A place we can truly call our own. Since I came back from Perth, I haven't had a definitely sense of belonging. When I returned, my room was literally in bits and pieces coz my family moved into a 3rm flat (from a 5rm) and my former room was in 17 different boxes hidden all over the house. I tried settling down but it was just really difficult. When I got married, I had to live with Ben's parents for a (long) while until the two kids came along. Even as we moved out, I haven't really found my sense of belonging especially when coming home to face my MIL daily (either that or the kids won't be at home coz they'll be at my in-laws' place which'll make the house EMPTY - that happens on Wednesdays, Fridays AND Saturdays as well). Coming home everyday is really a pain which I thought would be gone when I didn't have to face my in-laws everyday if I didn't live with them anymore. But no. I see her even more now. *bangs head on wall*

Which wrong step did I make?

Why am I in this position?

Are there any steps I can retrace so that I can free myself?

I'm stuck. And I want to run. Run away with Ben and the two kids. Away from everything.

No wonder my aunt migrated to Australia 12 years ago.

How long more can I take this?

Ben & I realised that we shouldn't try matchmaking people ever. The pains of marriage can be really testing.

If we didn't hold on to the vow of marriage so dearly, I don't know how strong the marriage would actually be to endure her nonsense. Would she ever feel guilty of breaking her own son's marriage?

But thank God for God. I know that things will get better. This is just one of the valleys I trudge so that the peaks will be worth it. The stresses of life can really test the strength of a marriage. That's why I wanna run with Ben and the two kids away from it all. We miss each other so much, and we're still trying to carve a nest we can truly call our own.

Perhaps I'm just being ungrateful. People say that I'm blessed to have a mother-in-law who takes care of my kids. But I don't trust her. And I have grounds not to.

Ignorance + Obstinance = Exasperation.

I've had enough of her voices in my head.

I've had it.

Post delivery after Abby, I had hallucinations of her walking around in the middle of the night in our room.

Now I have her voices in my head.

Enough is enough.

When I didn't have kids, I think of jumping whenever I'm near a window. Now I don't because it's for the children that I grit and bear with it.

I never cherished the carefree life I had. Now it's checkmate.

Take my heart. Take it all. Trample it. Step on it. Take me hostage. Fool around with it and kill it. Again. And Again. And claim ignorance after that. Use it. Abuse it. Then play victim. Blame me. I still have some life left. Take it all.

Don't you ever dare to ask me to have another kid.

I don't want to be held three-times hostage.

7th Year Anniversary

Today marks seven years Ben & I have been together. Time has flown by so fast, it's amazing. Both of us can't believe it's been seven years already. Which is a good sign. :)

When we started going out together, both of us had heaps of issues with almost every single aspect of our lives. Like for instance, both of us had almost given up on the opposite sex because of tragically painful past relationships. To cut the long story short, because of our ex-es, we are better people. *argh*

Through these years, we've managed to work through most of our issues, and it's been a much better ride especially for 2006. With both our pasts as well as our upbringing, we had a challenging time initially. Also, we almost broke up (twice, I think?), once right before the wedding. It was by God's grace that there was intervention, and the relationship was saved.

I am so blessed by Ben in so many ways. He's always been a gentleman, and up to right now whenever he opens the car door for me, I always tease him, saying, "So, is the girl new, or the car?" :D He's also very down-to-earth and very humble. As his wife, I find myself very encouraged by how he has chosen to live his life. I am very blessed to have him committed to the marriage and to the family. Coming from my family, I am not the most secure person. In fact, recently we had an 'in-depth analysis' and realised that a perception that I was holding was building a wall in our marriage. Because of my parents' marriage, I had begun to 'gear myself up' for the day where the news of a third party would surface. In my head, I would never find out about it because he's not the careless sort. The only way I would ever find out was by his confession. So as I result, I started acting like he already had someone else, mentally preparing myself for the day where I would have to walk out with 2 kids in tow, and the works - like my mother. Unfortunately, my subtle defence started to hurt the marriage. Thank God Ben was sensitive enough to detect that something was not right, and gently helped me to surface this erroneous belief which was beginning to put an almost undetectable strain our marriage. We're still working on it and things have been improving by leaps and bounds. It is challenging for me because none of the men in my family have been monogamous. It's sad, but it's true. Therefore I kinda take it for granted that this applies to all men. This cynicism was detrimental to the relationship because trust was absent. Even without evidence, it was already 'guilty until proven innocent' - and even then, still guilty. Initially when my belief was revealed, Ben explained, "Imagine you are running a business. If you believe that this business is doomed for failure, you wouldn't put your whole heart in it right? You'd behave as if the business would go bust anytime." It's scary, but it's true.

Do I believe that totally monogamous marriages exist? This is a question I've been asking myself. I always say that wives should always highly esteem their husbands, otherwise they'd go be the men of another household. Also, don't be suspicious if the husband is having an affair - otherwise, since the suspicion is already there, might as well fulfill it instead of having to defend himself all the time. Now I have to examine myself if other beliefs are erroneous. Because it is really not fair to Ben. I don't think I'd like it very much either if he kept suspecting me of harbouring feelings or even having an affair with anyone. His trust for me is very reassuring, and it is only right that I commit this to him as well. Looking at our records, it is I who have more grounds for suspicion. However, Ben has chosen to trust me, and it is a privilege and honour to have that trust, and a joy to uphold it. It is really precious to me.

Deep down inside, I know he will remain faithful. Some may say that I'm naive, but looking at the odds, I'll definitely kill the relationship if I don't commit my trust fully. It's a gamble worth taking. Since God has placed the both of us together - and even held us together through times when the relationship almost went awry, I believe that God will hold our hearts together through to the end.

Thanks love. :) It's been a great ride. :)