Leave. Me. Alone.

I snapped at Abby and Shalom last night. They were fighting over the nesting dolls and neither would give in. I yelled at them so sternly and terrified Abby. Shalom held his tears back but Abby was shocked. I broke down. After Abby called Ben (who was at cell), Abby came over to hug me.

How could I do this to my own kids?

The stress of the week has really taken its toll on me. The pressure of not being able to say no. Dealing with the stupidity of some people which led to me fixing up the mess after I returned after the extremely taxing break taking care of two kids who were sick and fussy. Having to plan for lesson observation because of my poor scheduling.

I snapped.

I have almost reached my breaking point.

I snapped earlier yesterday in my English/Science class. We've been collecting the Young Scientist projects, and I had returned the project 3 times to a particular group to get them to change their answers. But no, three times they returned it to me with the same answer. I got really fed up. Here's what they wrote:

Q: How is NEWater generated and give two of its uses.
A: NEWater is from our urine and we drink our own urine. It is purified by urine. It is healthier and it is more refreshing.

And these two girls are my good pupils. They refused to talk to me after that. I refused to look at them also.

Another incident: My kids often confide in me regarding the class politics because I take action. As a result, they don't fool around because they know I care. So two boys came to me to tell me that two other boys have been fighting. So I intervened. I found out that their history dates back to last year, in this colleague's class. She overheard and later told me, "My class doesn't have these issues."

Yah right. Because you cannot be bothered.

I'm fed up and bitchy. I'm pissed. I need rest. Exams are coming and I do not have enough time to revise with my classes. The stacks of marking have risen high, and I have brought marking home. I cannot rest well. I need a breakthrough.

More Fatigued

I slept. I woke up. Now my head's spinning and vision's getting blurred. I still have to stay back for the P5 NAPFA test because we're short of teachers. The first thing I told my EL class today was that, if I faint, just run off and get the office staff. I am about to collapse. Yet I cannot rest.

Let's see, this week (coming back from 4day intensive child care):
Mon - PSLE Oral (Reserve but got activated anyway)
Tue - PSLE Oral
Wed - NAPFA
Thu - Speech & Drama workshop
Fri - Visit to NEWater Plant

All these activities take place AFTER SCHOOL and end about 5plus. The school closes at 6.30. Thereafter my time with the kids do not allow me to look at my marking. During curriculum time there is NO WAY to mark with the constant interruptions and lesson preparation. The worst thing to happen is to walk into a class UNPREPARED.

And the marking is getting taller.

God, help me please.

ON MC AGAIN!

It's my third one this year. Went to the doc coz i had breathing difficulties and he diagnose as low blood pressure. But based on my medical records, i've been visiting frequently and it just doesn't look good. Dr says i look tired and really persuaded me to rest-tomorrow. It's been a bad vicious cycle. On fridays, i just thank God that the week's over, and on Sunday evenings, i thank God even more that the weekend's over! I really look forward to going back to work coz it's just waiting for me. I'm longing for the day when it's all cleared. No more outstanding work. Even for my last hols i still had work that was overdue.

i hate feeling this way. But i know i need to rest. It's been way too much pressure.

Church Camp, Kids Sick, Lina's Back!, Approaching Avalanche

Haven't been able to blog coz my hands (and feet) are tied with overwhelming responsibilities. Nevertheless, I'm glad life's almost back to sanity. We returned from church camp on the 15th and it was AMAZING. When I first arrived there, I was spent. Tired. Fatigued. During the first session, Ps Martin Steel spoke about coming with a heart of expectancy. I just expected to survive the camp. Nothing else. But God just was amazing. Actually, I was anything but enthusiastic. I was bitter, fatigued, worried, aching, miserable etc... so when Ps Martin asked us to get into groups of 2s and 3s to pray for one another, I wasn't that excited about it. In fact I wanted to go back to the room. However, it seemed like God had other plans. This lady turned around and smiled at me after the instructions, and so I went up to her and joined hands with her. She just said, "Let's pray as the Holy Spirit leads." I was like, hmm... alright. I felt this strong anointing on her, but since I was so out-of-shape emotionally, spiritually, etc, I just went along with her.

When she started praying, she was spot on for every single bug in my life. From that coldness in my heart, to the fatigue, to that silent isolation which I hardly told anyone, and even healing for the backache which I have been having. God was indeed alive and kicking, through her I felt heard and alive. I cried like a baby and just simply couldn't stop. She understood. I had not even said a word and she understood.

The next evening, when she saw me again, she rejoiced. She saw that I was completely different. Indeed I was. With that divine encounter, I couldn't stay the same - cynical and embittered. In fact, upon hindsight, I believe it was because I had to serve on the worship team the next morning that I had this 'clean-up' so that I could worship Jesus without hindrance and to help lead His people to worship Him. Anyway, she said that she had such a huge burden for me the evening before that when she returned to her hotel room, she continued praying in tears for me. God really works wonders.

Besides this encounter, my cell-groupmates had the burden for everyone to come together before the day starts and after the day's activities to pray together. Every morning at 6.40am before the 7am prayer service and 10.30pm after the evening service. It was very exciting! In fact, as we gathered around outside the conference room to pray, our dearest pastor Mark was moved to tears at seeing that passion in our cell. Everyone has been ignited. And we need to protect our fire and fan the flame. Usually after each church camp, when the fire is not well-protected, it would perish due to neglect. However, when we united and close ranks, the fire keeps on burning. In fact, the cell now gathers at 7.30pm to have a pre-cell prayer before cell at 8.20, and yesterday cell was radically different! In fact our worship leader said that of all the cell meetings she's attended, yesterday was the most exciting so far! It was amazing! :D Praise God!

I'm so glad the kids have bonded so well with the cell group, especially with Eileen, Soks, Jeremy, Chellie and Anderson. Usually the kids would be rather shy, but after this camp and now that we're meeting so regularly, they are family to the kids!

God's really so good. In spite of challenges like Shalom's 40.3 deg Cel fever, we continued praying as well as giving med, sponging, and miraculously, today he's all well! Yesterday he was still above 39.5. Unfortunately, Abby's now down with fever, hovering around 39 plus, so it's really back to prayer, medication and sponging. As the cell prayed for healing for the two kids, we were expecting healing. Shalom's healed! Now's Abby's turn!

Praise God that Lina's back! Ben and I have learnt to appreciate her way much more, as we've had experience with other helpers during her absence, and the way she works is absolutely commendable. I'm just glad God's blessed us with her.

The hols are coming to an end, but God's proven Himself faithful. Although I feel like I'm treading into an absolutely chaotic territory come Monday, He has promised that He will see me through it all. Through Anderson's testimony during cell, I am encouraged by how the seemingly huge workpile was easily dealt with. I really pray for supernatural time management and efficiency so that I will meet my deadlines and be a responsible and proactive teacher. This really calls for a miracle!

Running

I love travelling. I also hate it. It's almost a love-hate relationship. I used to love it till I met Ben. I remember the time when we first got together in 1999. I left for Hong Kong a couple of days after that and I wanted to take the next flight there after I touched down. I really don't like to travel without him. I thought I was bonkers, till I had children.

Once Abby was born, it seemed as if a part of me was apart from me, and it has never been the same again. I no longer am that independent, even though I long to. With two kids in tow, it's double the challenge. It was only out of desperate measures that I had no choice but to travel without Ben when I went to Sydney, seven months pregnant, with Abby. Alone. I couldn't take my MIL's nonsense anymore. I really had to get away.

Now with her nonsense starting all over again, I wanna run. With the impending upgrading - internal flat upgrading and the building of the multistorey carpark, occuring around the same time as Lina taking one month off back to Indonesia, I am facing the future shit scared.

I don't know when the flat upgrading will take place. When it does, we'll need to vacate. I have ADAMANTLY REFUSED to move back with my in-laws, especially after what happened recently. If the upgrading takes place when Lina is not around (and chances are extremely high), then I am quite screwed. Also, they are going to build a multistorey carpark next to our block. With the dust and the noise, we'll definitely need to get another place. Although word has it that it'll only take up to mid-next year to complete the construction (they just built another MSCP nearby within a year), we still need temporary living arrangements.

Going back to in-laws is outta question coz Abby and I have a long travelling time during peak hour traffic in the mornings. It's really the last option. So now we're house searching again. We definitely need to get out for the flat upgrading, but as for the MSCP construction, we won't know till we're seriously plagued by the ill effects of the construction, which I hope will not affect us as much.

We're toying with the idea of rental, kinda like one-for-one, but that would mean we'll need to upgrade the flat first and fix the window grilles, the smelly toilets and the balcony. Then we can rent this place out. Before that, we'll most likely get another place to stay, either temporarily or perhaps permanent. We're also toying with the idea of getting another place, but that would put quite a strain on our finances, and we don't wanna pay cash upfront for our lodging actually. Hopefully the new place will have condo facilities so that the kids can have access to the pool and not be confined to the four walls or get bitten by insects (at my in-laws which is now a weekly affair. Poor Shalom.)

I know that things will work out, but in the face of all these issues, I really just wanna take the kids, together with Ben, and RUN. Run to a place where we won't get harrassed. A place we can truly call our own. Since I came back from Perth, I haven't had a definitely sense of belonging. When I returned, my room was literally in bits and pieces coz my family moved into a 3rm flat (from a 5rm) and my former room was in 17 different boxes hidden all over the house. I tried settling down but it was just really difficult. When I got married, I had to live with Ben's parents for a (long) while until the two kids came along. Even as we moved out, I haven't really found my sense of belonging especially when coming home to face my MIL daily (either that or the kids won't be at home coz they'll be at my in-laws' place which'll make the house EMPTY - that happens on Wednesdays, Fridays AND Saturdays as well). Coming home everyday is really a pain which I thought would be gone when I didn't have to face my in-laws everyday if I didn't live with them anymore. But no. I see her even more now. *bangs head on wall*

Which wrong step did I make?

Why am I in this position?

Are there any steps I can retrace so that I can free myself?

I'm stuck. And I want to run. Run away with Ben and the two kids. Away from everything.

No wonder my aunt migrated to Australia 12 years ago.

How long more can I take this?

Ben & I realised that we shouldn't try matchmaking people ever. The pains of marriage can be really testing.

If we didn't hold on to the vow of marriage so dearly, I don't know how strong the marriage would actually be to endure her nonsense. Would she ever feel guilty of breaking her own son's marriage?

But thank God for God. I know that things will get better. This is just one of the valleys I trudge so that the peaks will be worth it. The stresses of life can really test the strength of a marriage. That's why I wanna run with Ben and the two kids away from it all. We miss each other so much, and we're still trying to carve a nest we can truly call our own.

Perhaps I'm just being ungrateful. People say that I'm blessed to have a mother-in-law who takes care of my kids. But I don't trust her. And I have grounds not to.

Ignorance + Obstinance = Exasperation.

I've had enough of her voices in my head.

I've had it.

Post delivery after Abby, I had hallucinations of her walking around in the middle of the night in our room.

Now I have her voices in my head.

Enough is enough.

When I didn't have kids, I think of jumping whenever I'm near a window. Now I don't because it's for the children that I grit and bear with it.

I never cherished the carefree life I had. Now it's checkmate.

Take my heart. Take it all. Trample it. Step on it. Take me hostage. Fool around with it and kill it. Again. And Again. And claim ignorance after that. Use it. Abuse it. Then play victim. Blame me. I still have some life left. Take it all.

Don't you ever dare to ask me to have another kid.

I don't want to be held three-times hostage.

A better week ahead

Went to the polyclinic last Thursday because my heart was not in good order. Have been referred to the National Heart Centre during the March school holidays. Then, this week:

* one of my kid's parents suddenly passed away
* another kid admitted coz he passed out a lot of blood
* another one (in fact my whole class) was suspected of vandalising some other kid's book
* another one got his glasses smashed while playing table-tennis!?! Cornea injured.
* 3 heros in my class stuck their locker keys into the electrical socket and then TURNED IT ON. Mini explosion in class, power tripped. Thank God no injuries or deaths.

I'm just so glad the week is almost over. It was supposed to be their continual assessment diagnostic test week.

I'm just so tired. My daffodil is dying. I really hope I can find the time to post some pictures on my two lovelies up. Shalom's turning one next week. Time really's passing so fast. I am staying too long in school. I miss them so much.

I really look forward to the school holidays.

New jobs on my plate - just received this week: Workshop for parents to prepare for PSLE Oral Exam (fast deal - in two weeks' time); LIt program for P4 high ability pupils (bigger deal), head the Science Club for P4s (BIG DEAL!). How else will I be stretched?

Oh. Full force worship ministry in April. 3 Saturdays in March.

I need to appreciate the Friday evenings and Saturdays I have by myself. If only I can get over the 'missing ben and the kids' part. :'(

Next week will be great. It'd better be.

In the Thick of Things

Seems that the stress level in moving house is right up there with divorce and death. Throw in a recent birth and a career 'change' - from being a student to a teacher. Those are major events. Not so major ones (but still very significant) - finally finishing probation for worship ministry in church - I got to go on stage on the first service of 2007, Abigail starting school, Abby's poor eye health, Shalom's shocking episode of a leaky ear, getting a new car (we collected our Wish on Saturday), my stuff's not organised - everything's all over the place - at home and in school, the classroom's not done up, getting a foreign student who knows nuts about English in my already rather weak class (just kill me), having a handful of hyperactive kids in an already distracted class for my other class, taking double English for P4 not realising that i dislike hate nagging and repeating myself...

What a load.

My body's not taking it very well. Have been having headaches that's associated with the gas in the tummy. The more gas, the worse the headache. It doesn't help that I haven't been able to rest well coz Shalom's sick again and I'm on night shift. I'm shuttling between rooms in the middle of the night and I have to get up at 5 the next morning. I was almost late on Monday and Ben was stuck in a terrible jam coz morning traffic home was horrendous. Last night I resorted to sleeping in the kids' room. Thank God Shalom stayed asleep most of the time. The night before he kept waking up and fussing because of blocked nose (I guess) and at one point I jumped out of my sleep and caught him crawling away, almost off the bed. Another time he was falling off our platform bed, face stuffed in the gap between the huge feather pillow and the mattress.

And I have to get up at 5. If I get to sleep, that is.

Last night, I forgot to set my alarm. I woke up hearing the phone alarm from Ben's phone in the other room. Thank God, otherwise it'll be terrible. Didn't have enough time so I didn't pump in the morning. Was terribly engorged by 3.30pm in the afternoon. Had to rush back, with two huge stacks of chicken scratch to mark.

Workwise, I have been given the honour of being the level's English rep. The last time I remember feeling so stupid was when I was in the hotel. I lost my job because of prolonged stupidity. I am feeling that same kind of stupidity again. I'm expected to know EVERYTHING and how things run at the LEVEL REP level. Thank God there are very helpful colleagues to tide me through this time. The last thing I want is to affect my colleagues because of my incompetency - like getting the spelling list out. I'm already screwed for the minutes of the last meeting (not out yet), the spelling list (also not out) and the English worksheets (don't know what on earth they specifically are). See how screwed?

Tried to requisite for a laptop. The current batch is due for condemnation. I think I"ll take my iBook to work tomorrow. Forget about the various connection - the laptop I requisited was still opening up Microsoft word when I was at contact time today. Damn slow man. I could literally see my stress level meter increase with the laggy laptop.

It really helps to offload. I am feeling slightly better actually. Though I still feel like I'm close to tears, at least I'm able to press on and not give up. Out of all these things, the only thing that upsets me is that my body isn't coping very well - it is very disabling. The bubbles in my tummy seem to have stopped. Now I can start tackling these obstacles one at a time.

Oh, and did I mention that the non-shopper me has NO CLOTHES TO WEAR? And I HATE SHOPPING. Especially for shoes - coz I have gloriously big feet and I hate hearing "I"m sorry, we don't have your size." I don't usually pay full price for shoes coz we've been living on single income and cash isn't free-flowing. I usually wear shoes to their deaths and then literally drag my feet (Ben drags me actually) to get new shoes. So now, with work, I'm in serious trouble. No fitting shoes - my feet have been hurting - and only about 5 pieces of top to play around with. And I don't like to wear the same piece twice in a week. Help. What has added to the problem is that the new head requires female staff to be dressed in sleeved attire. So no sleeveless. 80% of my wardrobe is condemned. I've been watching my other female colleagues get around this obstacle - everyone's been wearing this short cropped jacket. I think I'll look really odd in it. I'm damn old-fashioned man.

Enough grumbling. Back to solution-focused management.

Oh. One good thing that happened today - I finally saw Abby in her kindy school uniform. Today's the fifth day of school. What a lousy mother.

Woo Hoo!

I have internet access! :D Anyway, quick updates...,

> Found Shalom's ears to be really dirty when we brought the kids over on Saturday. I checked with lina and Eka, and assumed it was just itchy fingers that traveled from the cereal bowl into the ear. We cleaned the ears, especially the right one. The next day, it was waxy again. It seemed like it splattered from inside. I started to panic. He was having a slight fever, on and off also. He was generally well, except for runny nose. We thought it was from the dust at our new place. At times he was fussy, but he's rather feisty, so no alarms set off. On Monday morning, I saw the bed stained. I checked Shalom's ears and found thick fluid flowing out! I was frantic. Grabbed breakfast and tried to surf the net on GPRS for info while waiting for GP's opening hour. I wasn't sure about the operating hours, so I waited abit. Doc checked and said that his eardrum was BROKEN. I was horrified. It was a middle ear infection, most likely triggered by the frequent colds and ailments that he's been suffering, thanks to Abby going to childcare and other reasons. Anyway the doc said that it's a good thing that the ear drum's broken, so that the fluid would flow out instead of building up, which would possibly lead to hearing loss. The ear drum would heal by itself (THANK GOD!) and he'll be fine. Just that now he needs to be put on rather strong antibiotics, plus medicine for runny nose, cough and phlegm. As much as we've been restricting his diet (no sugar no salt) the medication he's been taking so regularly is so filled with sugar, I feel our efforts are pointless. However, he keeps coughing and then throwing up whatever medication he takes (strong gag reflex) that I doubt any medicine has been getting in. It's only sometimes that he doesn't throw up.

> Abby's schedule to go for eye op this thursday. The styes have found themselves a new recruit - so altogether there are three visible ones (two have already affected her skin so there'll be scarring, regardless whether she undergoes surgery) and a couple of dormat ones. KKH Eye centre snr consultant will do an I&D (incision and drainage) to clear the styes. There was this nurse today who tried to explain the procedure to Abby, but it sounded so horrifying I distracted Abby halfway and tried to get her NOT to pay attention to the nurse. It went something like, "Girl, you go for operation okay! The doctor will cut your eye then take it out. It will be very painful but the doctors and nurses will make you better ok?" ARGH. Abby had this horrified look on her face. She knows that she's going for surgery. In fact she's been in such pain she keeps asking for "Put towel eye" - warm compress on her eye. Except that she's not willing to put the medication. I think they sting.

> We had our house blessing yesterday. Mum and my aunt's family came over and prayed for the place. When we went around anointing the house, Abby also took part in the action. It was so cute seeing her with her right palm facing up holding a drip of anointing oil and anointing the house, AND praying and walking around. Mum just came back from Israel, so she bought some stuff as well as a cross for the house. :)

> The place is almost ready, except for the upgrading stuff and curtains and feature wall (if we save up enough). Nevertheless, it's really our very own pad. :) Now the kids sleep separately from us, and we're having separation anxiety.

Persistent Styes

Abby's styes aren't getting any better. They first evolved in September, and that was in the right upper eyelid. Now the left upper and lower eyelids have styes slapping each other everytime abby blinks. We went back for 2nd review today - doesn't look any better. Dr recommends surgery because she's afraid the infection will spread. Now on maximum medication dosage and things aren't any better. We requested for another week, hoping that the styes will erupt and the entire saga will end. We're really praying for a miracle. We took these photos - taken so far away yet the styes can be seen. Putting medication, as well as giving her oral medication, is very challenging. Dr recommends surgery coz of the difficulty in giving medicine. Abby'll be on GA, then all the styes will be removed. Post-op will not be as painful if the incision is done inner lid, instead of outer lid. Anyway, all this sounds too painful to me. Though I went for one before, I was much older. She's only 2. Sigh.

The final stop

It's my last paper tomorrow. In fact my only exam for this semester. And I am not prepared for it. Lecturer says 'no need to study' because he does not want us to regurgitate facts, so it's application? 2 questions, 1 discussion type, 1 lesson plan in response to a particular context. I really pray that I'll do well for this paper. Things have been challenging at home since the old maid's gone. Shalom's still not too well - feverish at times, and MIL is at full throttle - at Lina's neck. SIL's daughter is over with the maid also - who is pretty terrified of MIL's ways. Abby's not doing very well today - runny nose started and ultra clingy. I tried to study today but didn't really succeed. The on-going commotion downstairs is not really conducive although everyone's been really thoughtful, knowing that I've got a paper at 9 tomorrow.

Normally Lina will take Shalom downstairs around 7.30am so I can get a bit of decent rest - but since the old maid's gone she's really bearing the brunt of the extra load. Dodo me didn't realise this until I asked her to take Shalom down early tomorrow coz I'd be leaving the house early. Then I could feel her holding her breath and almost tearing. Already the morning duties are a challenge with Siti around - now it's even worse. Seems she keeps asking when the new maid will arrive, as well as when we're moving.

Next week will most likely be our final week here at Hotel Robey, after which we'll be moving over to the new place. Packing's underway now and we've got 13 boxes of BOOKS. We haven't started packing anything else yet, and there are still some more books actually. We've run out of boxes, so packing's halted for the moment. Hopefully we'll be able to get some more soon. :)

Expecting Changes

Had a hectic weekend, and I just realised that the graduating cohort (i.e. PGDE January intake) is supposed to report on 4 Dec to their schools! Let's see, I've got an exam on the 28th Nov, but have got some NIE enrichment programme starting on the 27th which will last for a week (but I'm exempted from several activities :D) and am most likely to report to my new school on the 4th! I haven't finished packing yet, in fact, I've barely started! :P have to speed up the packing process now.

Anyway, I've been bugging MOE personnel regarding my posting by calling them everyday - 3 days liao. They haven't gotten back to me yet. Will call them again tomorrow. Seems they have sent the posting memo out the previous Firday (10 Nov) but till now I haven't received any news. It's very troublesome coz I have to go to the new place to open the letterbox just to see if there's any mail! I've tried my luck by asking them if they could release my posting to me over the phone, but they said it's not the normal practice. SO I HAVE TO SHUTTLE WHENEVER I HEAR NEWS THAT I MIGHT HAVE RECEIVED MY POSTING. But the nice lady did suggest (but didn't follow up) for me to provide them my mailing address so that it would be easier for me. That's really sweet of her actually. Seems like I might have been overlooked coz I'm not the graduating January cohort but one of the remmants from the previous July 04 BA intake. Anyhow they'll have to post me somewhere, but it seems like I'm not on Poi Ching's list either. Oh well. God will put me in wherever He deems fit.

Time's running out, and I'm spending every precious moment of it with the kiddos. I now have very strong arms. :)